"This is about Luna isn't it?"
I freeze. She just confirmed what I accused her of. She knows. How the fuck did she find out?
"How do you know that name?" I turn on her, and there's no more hiding, no more pretending to be someone I'm not. The cold, heartless bastard is back I feel the monster inside me surface.
"Please, you're scaring me."
"You should be scared. Now answer the fucking question."
Tears fall in a torrent from her eyes. I don't move. Nor do I lessen my scrutiny of her. I need to know where she's coming from and what her end game is, so I can properly defend myself.
"How do you know that name?" I ask again, not bothering to hide my anger or irritation.
"From you." She says much more composed than I thought she'd be. She lifts her head high and sticks her chin out. "You've called her name in your sleep. More than once."
Fuck. I run my hand through my hair. I must have told her everything in my sleep. That's why she didn't even bother to ask me about last night. She already fucking knows.
"What else did I say?"
She shakes her head. You called her, and you called me. That's all I know. But she's the reason for the tattoo isn't she? She's the reason you're so hard on yourself. Things didn't end well and you blame yourself."
"Things didn't end well?" I force a haughty laugh from my mouth. "They didn't end well? Yeah, you can say that. Let me tell you how not well they ended. Luna's dead."
Selene's shocked. I see it in her eyes and at how hard she swallows. I give her credit though, she's not running. Yet.
"I'm sorry."
"You're sorry? What are you sorry for? For getting knocked up? For doing it on purpose? Or for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong?"
"I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry you never gave me a chance to help you. Most of all, I'm sorry I fell in love with you."
Right back at you babe.
"Then you'll get rid of it?" I ask, knowing that's the only decent thing to do. For all of us. Including the thing growing inside her.
She shakes her head. "No."
"So I don't get a fucking say at all? You lie, and now I'm on the hook?"
"I didn't lie." Her voice rises. "It's from the antibiotics. Sometimes the pill doesn't work when you're on them. And I don't recall asking you for anything."
"That's what you say now. What happens when you pop the little bastard out? Then you'll be looking for money to pay for it."
"Fuck you, Cooper! And don't ever say anything like that about my baby again."
"Right. Your baby. It's all about you isn't it?"
"What does that mean?"
"What if the tables were turned? What if you didn't want it but I did? Then you'd have every right to kill it, and I still wouldn't have a fucking say. So it's all about you. I'm just the dumb ass that has to pay for the rest of my life."
"If you don't want to be part of our life, that's fine by me."
"Great. Have a nice fucking life."
I grab my suitcase out of the closet and start throwing my shit in it.
"Where are you going?" I hear desperation in her voice. It's familiar. It's how many of my nights ended with girls that thought I'd stay and hold them. Girls that were easy lays. I hoped to never hear that sound from Selene. But right now I couldn't care less. She betrayed me, in the worst way, and I want to be as far from her as possible. Another continent doesn't seem far enough.
Chapter 17
"I guess this summer fucked you up pretty bad, huh?" Noah asks.
"You have no idea." Fucked up doesn't even touch the surface. I was lost, alone. I had no one to turn to. "I don't know what was worse, finding out Selene was pregnant, catching you and Lexi together, or having my father tell me he's gay. And lucky me, it all happened in the same week."
"But you turned it around and it all worked out."
"Not all, Noah. Selene and I didn't work out."
"You don't know that. Make it right."
That's my best friend, always simplifying things. I look out the tiny window at the inky black sky. "She forgave me once, I don't think I'm lucky enough, or deserving enough for her to forgive me again. We don't even know if she's going to make it." My voice cracks. Tears streak down my face. I don't bother hiding them. I just swipe them away with my hand. I have no more pride, just regret. Regret for letting the best thing in my life slip through my fingers.
"Get this through that thick skull of yours, Cooper. She's going to make it. And you're going to get down on your knees and beg her to forgive your sorry ass one last time. And she will. Because she loves you."
*
I fall back to my memories once again. One week changed everything. Everything I know has been altered and nullified. What's worse, I have no one to turn to. No safe haven. No one to get lost in. I scroll through the contacts on my phone. I don't want to call anyone. No one can fill the void she left. No one can make my chest stop aching. Even though I feel trapped and betrayed by Selene, I miss her, and I can't shake the empty feeling inside me.
Under normal circumstances I'd turn to Noah, but I can't now. I caught that son of a bitch fucking my sister. My baby sister. I lost it when I caught her coming out of his room, dressed in his clothes. Even though I went with him and helped him make amends, I'm not on great terms with either of them. Especially since I had to own up to how I've spent years trying to keep them apart. And the cherry on this dung cake I'm being served, is finding out that my father has been leading a secret gay life since he left us. My father is gay. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
It's like the only people that care about me, that really know me, conspired to make my life a living hell. I've never felt so lost or alone. Even if I had someone else to turn to, I don't want anyone. I want Selene. I pace around my apartment for the fiftieth time this morning. It's quiet and empty. The silence is deafening.
I want a distraction. I need one, but no matter what I do, or where I go, I'm reminded of why I'm so fucking uptight and miserable. No matter where I look, I see her. In my bed, on my couch.
Needing an escape and a diversion, I go down to the pool and swim a few laps. Physical exertion usually loosens me up. I use my pent up anger and frustration to fuel my arms as I cut through the water, pulling it behind me and propelling me forward with every stroke. It's not working. My muscles are tight, and I'm cramping up. Instead of thinking about breathing and the precision of my strokes, I'm wondering if Selene is alone, or if she already found someone to replace me.
I can't take it anymore. I have to go to her. I don't know if she's home, but it's the best place to start. I haven't attempted to contact her since I walked out on her, nor has she pinged me. I only hope she's not so furious that she won't respond at all. I don't want her to know I'm coming, but if she's not home, I'll need to reach out to her, and if she's across the county, I'll just have to go to her.
I shower and dress quickly, making sure to take the time to shave before I step out of my apartment. She loves to run her soft hands over my face when I'm clean shaven. Since I have no idea how she'll react to seeing me, I have to give her some incentive to hear me out.