I stop off at the little store in the building before heading to Selene's. I don't know what she's going to think of the little peace offering I got for her, but it's less about what she likes, more about sending a message: I'm sorry, and I'm here for her. Before I overthink things and change my mind, I get in the car focused on my mission. Win Selene back.
I stand outside her door poised to knock when the air is sucked from my lungs.
Voices.
Selene's, and a distinctly male voice. I don't have time to think about how much it hurts that she's moved on, I need to decide. Now. Stay or go? They're close. He's probably leaving. I look around for someplace to hide, to shield myself.
The door opens, and I'm standing like an idiot unable to move. I see him, but my eyes dart to the side just behind him, where Selene is. Those oceans of blue that I've been longing to see grow wide with surprise. Good.
"Let me guess, you're the boyfriend. I'm sorry, ex-boyfriend," the guys says to me, accentuating the last word, with his arms folded over his chest.
"I'm the boyfriend." I confirm and correct, knowing at once who it is. Mateo.
Before he says another word, Selene touches his arm, looks up at him and gives a slight shake of her head. Fuck. She's telling him she doesn't want to see me. I size him up. We're about the same build, although I'm sure I could take him.
Over the years I learned to channel the anger and pain into my fists. I don't fight often, especially not since I started modeling, but I'll do it now. If I have to, I'll fight to win my girl back.
"Selene?" Even I can hear the uncertainty in my voice as I say her name. I hate that I sound weak. I need to win her over with the same confidence I had when we met. She liked that. Only now, I'm not confident. About anything. Except that my life is falling apart without her in it.
"Go. I'll be fine." She says to her friend. God I hope that's all he is. Fucker moves fast.
A long moment passes with Mateo and we're caught in a stare down. I don't move. I don't blink. Ignoring me completely he turns to her and kisses her cheek. I'm straining to relax my fingers. They have a mind of their own, and the way they're clenching, balling up into fists, tells me they want to punch Mateo and break his perfect fucking nose.
On the bright side, if he and Selene moved out of the friend zone he'd be kissing her on the lips, not the cheek. It's the only bright spot in a bleak haze of darkness.
"I'll be back if you need me."
"Thanks." She offers a smile and dismisses him.
Once again, Mateo's eyes look me up and down. I don't respond. I know that look. He's trying to intimidate me. Not going to happen buddy. I keep my temper in check. If I lose it over Mateo, I'm done for. Once he's gone, Selene steps to the side making room for me to enter her apartment. It's a good sign.
I look around at the small studio. This is no place for a kid. No place for my kid. I can't believe she's pregnant. I hand her the bag. "I didn't know what to bring. I figured flowers and chocolate are too cliché, so I brought you pickles and ice cream."
"Pickles and ice cream?" She says sounding surprised. "Because they aren't at all cliché."
I shrug. "I'm not even sure that's still ice cream. It's probably all melted and drippy."
She takes the bag and heads over a few feet to the kitchen area. "Why are you here?" She asks emotionless, taking the ice cream out of the bag and putting it in the freezer.
I wait for her to turn and look at me. I don't know what to say first. The words are a jumbled mess in my head, I know they won't come out any clearer when I speak, so I start with the first thing that comes to mind. "I'm here to apologize." I step towards her and bring us chest to chest. She backs up so that the counter is at her back. I can't help myself, I reach out and brush a stray hair behind her ear. Even though her eyes drop, I hear the deep intake of breath, and I relax a little. She might try to fight it, but that breath means I still affect her.
"I miss you."
She still doesn't respond. I reach for her hands and rub my thumb over her knuckles.
"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry, baby. I was scared that you were sick, that I might lose you forever. I couldn't handle it."
She pulls her hands out of mine. Shit. This doesn't bode well. I have to turn this around. Fast.
"I would think if you were afraid of losing me, you would've been relieved."
"Everything I said and did, I hate myself. You can't possibly hate me more than I hate me. Please, give me another chance, Selene. Give us another chance. "
Her eyes are tinged with sadness as she's no doubt reliving our last moments together in Italy. I need to take her mind off that, make her forget how cruel I was. I hold her head in my hands and massage the base of her neck. My eyes drop to her lips. Those luscious lips that I yearn to feel against mine. Not yet. I don't want to deal with rejection from her and I'm afraid if I move too fast I'll blow my chance.
"Nothing's changed. I'm still having my baby." She looks up at me, her jaw set, defiance ripe in her eyes.
"Our baby." It comes out low and soft, like a whisper. I can't believe that I'm saying it, that I'm signing on for this. But I have no choice.
She shakes her head. "You accused me . . ."
"I know." I don't want her to repeat the ugly things I said. I need to cut her off and get my words out clear and concise. I inch closer and focus on her mouth. I dip my head down, and ever so lightly brush my lips against hers.
I'm hoping to tease her memory, make her remember what happens when we touch like this; the warmth, the desire, the all-out need. My heart races and I think I'm trembling. I haven't had this kind of physical response since the first time I got laid. But it's Selene's reaction I'm interested in. I need to see how she reacts to me, to a tiny taste after a week of being starved. I need to know that her body misses me the way my body misses her.
Selene's hips tilt toward me, and I know I'm on the right track. I slide my hands down her back to her waist, and then under the hem of her shirt. I close my eyes as my hands ghost over the skin on her back. Pressing my hips against her abdomen I hope she feels how much I want her.
Selene shakes her head in protest. She doesn't want me. Fuck. The ache in my chest is becoming unbearable.
"I miss you so much. I miss you when I wake up in the morning. I miss you when I go to sleep at night. My entire day is spent wondering where you are and what you're doing. I wonder each minute if you're alone, or if you're thinking of me as well."
She scrunches her eyes up tight, like it's painful to hear my words. Maybe it is. It's more painful to say them and know there's a chance she's going to tell me to fuck off.
"This isn't real. You've had time to think and practice it all. What you said in Italy, you had no time to think or prepare. That was how you really felt."
"Yes." If I deny it she won't believe me. I need to own up to it. I cup her cheek, and her head tilts ever so slightly into my hand. It's working. She wants me back, even if she doesn't realize it yet. "I was surprised. Shocked. You told me you were on the pill. We were supposed to be safe."
"I didn't want to get pregnant." Her voice hitches up an octave or two. "This isn't the direction I saw my life going in. When I first found out, I wanted to die, because I knew you wouldn't want it, or me anymore."
The ache in my heart changes. It's sharp and slicing, and just increased tenfold.
She wanted to die. Because of me.