I'm so pissed at the nonsense she's spewing, I have half a mind to turn her around, bend her over and show her how attracted I am to her. It's fucking painful to sleep next to her night after night and not touch her. But once my eyes drop to her bulging belly, I can't bring myself to touch her.
"See? I see it in your face right now." She rubs her hands over her belly. "I disgust you."
"Stop." I pull her into my arms. She resists until I meet her lips with my own. Once I break away from the kiss, she leans her head against my chest.
"I'm losing you, Cooper. I know it, and it hurts like hell, because I still love you so much. I've been trying to hold on, but I don't think I can anymore."
I look down and tilt her chin up so I can look in her eyes. The sadness I see in them rips through me, straight to my heart. I'm hurting her. I don't want to. She's my world, and I can't bring myself to stop hurting her.
"I'm sorry. I'll try harder."
"Try what? Tolerating my touch? Not hating me?"
I brush my lips against her cheek. "Please, stop talking like this. You're wrong. Come, get off your feet." I lead her over to the couch and sit her down. I pull her back against me and wrap her up in my arms. "I love you. I know I've been a shit, but it's because I have so much on my mind."
"I know, and you never share any of it with me."
"I don't want to worry you, or stress you out. It's my job to figure out how I'm going to support us. You need to focus on you and the baby. I've got everything else."
"That's just it. You're compartmentalizing everything. You have no part in any of the baby stuff."
"Because it's not important to me. I know you've been banging your head against the wall trying to figure out colors and themes. I don't care if we paint the room yellow, or green. I only care that we have a room to paint, and the crib for it to sleep in, and all the other things it needs. It's not that I don't care, it's that if picking out bedding with giraffes over teddy bears makes you happy, then that's what I want. You to be happy."
"You're never at any of the appointments. It scares me." Her hands move over her stomach. "It just reminds me that you don't really want this child."
"How can you say that?" I kiss her neck while I run my hands over her stomach as well. "I'm here with you. I'm trying to give you what you need."
"Have you fucked anyone else?"
I pull my hands away. I can't believe she's going there. "First of all, I haven't been with anyone else since the first time we had sex. I told you this already. Second of all, what would it matter? You were willing to have an open relationship with Mateo?"
"I don't love Mateo." The tears start. I can't wait until she gets her damn hormones under control. "I told you, that's not the kind of relationship I want with you."
"Well you never told me exactly what kind of relationship you do want with me."
She sits up so that we're no longer touching. I feel her pull away emotionally as well.
"It doesn't matter," she says struggling to get to her feet. "But for the record, I wanted it all with you. Love, marriage, the house with a white picket fence around it."
"Selene."
"Don't. I know that's not what you want. I'm sorry I said anything." I watch her in silence as she waddles to my bedroom and closes the door. I want to go after her, I do, but I can't get off the couch. My lungs won't take in anymore air, and I don't want her to see how her words are suffocating me.
Chapter 20
"Aww!" I hear at the bar coming from the other room where a bunch of women I don't know are oohing and ahhing over a gift Selene opened. Her mother, along with my sister and mother teamed up to arrange the shower. I know Selene thought she'd get one, but she didn't expect it until after the baby came since we don't know the sex. Of course that's my fault, because I didn't make it to the appointment where we'd learn the sex, and she didn't want to find out without me.
All week I've been trying very hard to be extra attentive to Selene. I hate that I'm making her feel like I don't want her in my life. Ever since she told me she didn't want to live when I left her in Italy, it's like I can't allow myself to really connect with her. Not the way I did before, because now I have to worry what she might do to herself if things don't work out. I know they were just words, but to me, they were a very real threat. Between that and her half-baked plan to move in with Mateo, I have a hard time looking at her the way I did before all this.
"I'm so glad you could make time in your busy schedule today. We've all heard how you can't be bothered showing up to anything baby related." Troy tries to kid. I've just about had it with his passive aggressive bullshit. If he wants to give it, he better be ready to take it as well.
"Yeah, well I knew Marlena would be here."
His stare is piercing. I know if he could get his hand on knife right now, He'd stick it through my heart.
"Your baby is due in no time, and you're making inappropriate jokes about my wife, you scumbag?"
"Hey, guys. This is supposed to be a happy occasion," Noah tries to ease the tension between us. "Let's get a round of tequila on me."
"Don't you think we'd be more productive if we're sober when we move all the crap?" Troy suggests.
"If we get too fucked up, the girls can drive. Just as long as we're not so shit faced that we can't carry the stuff to and from the car," Noah answers.
After our third round of shots and several beers, I glance at my watch. "I think it should be wrapping up soon."
My phone chimes alerting me to an email. Noah and Troy are going on about a touchdown we just watched on the bar's television that's now under review. Me, I couldn't care less so I check my email.
I see something new in my work inbox with contestant in the subject line from an email address I don't recognize. I know I should put my phone away, but I really don't care about the football game, and I don't want anything distracting me later. I know Selene is going to want to sort through all the presents with me when we get home. I have to show an interest and pretend I give a shit. I open the email now so later I can give her my undivided attention.
I scan it quickly before opening the video attachment.
The camera is zoomed in on a pretty woman's face. She's looking at the camera from under her long dark hair and unnaturally thick eyelashes. Her eyeliner is heavy around the eyes, and her teeth are digging into her very full bottom lip.
"So, I'm not sure what Anything Goes is really about, but I do know that the winner walks away with fifty grand. And Mr. Cooper," the way she said my name breathy and flirty, hits me in the pants. "I could really use the money."
I should close out of this and wait until I'm alone, because I have a feeling this isn't your average, run of the mill cooking audition tape. Her eyes shift to the side of the room, and then back to the camera. Her tongue darts out of her mouth as she runs it back and forth over her super glossed bottom lip. I'm entranced.
"Remember, Mr. Cooper. If you like what you see, I'll be happy to have an interactive live audition for you." The camera zooms out, and she takes off her robe and tosses it to the floor. She's standing naked in front of the camera.
I swallow hard, soaking in her perfect body. She's curvy and round, exactly what a woman should be. I'm not sure if it's the look in her eyes, or her large, perky tits that have me unable to take my eyes off the screen.