I don't say one word to him because I can't. My words aren't coming out the way I mean them to and all I want to do is tell him off. Even though my head is a mess and I feel myself shattering I know better than to get into this with him right now, because once I start, I won't stop until all the shit spews out of my mouth like steam from a geyser. I'll tell him how he caused my mother to hate him, which in turn caused her to hate me as well.
She blamed me for everything; I'm the reason she got married so young and ruined her life. I'm the reason she had another kid, keeping her chained to the house. I'm the reason my father left. I caused so much mischief, never giving my parents a moment to rest, he needed to seek comfort with other women. (She couldn't have been more wrong about that one.) Worst of all she blamed me for Luna. She sided with that lying, cheating bitch when she should've been holding me and telling me it wasn't at all my fault.
Not. One. Single. Bit. Of. It.
Even when I told her about Selene, my mother sneered and said I'd never be able to give her the life she deserves; that one woman would never satisfy me; therefore, I'd never be good enough for her.
And she's right.
That's what's killing me. She's one hundred percent fucking right.
The only woman in my life that doesn't think I'm-such-a-fuck-up-I-don't-deserve-another-chance is Lexi. I may have even fucked that relationship up for good earlier in the night when I tried to pull Noah into a threesome. What the hell was I thinking? God only knows how she's even talking to me at all after the shit that went down with her, Noah, and me when they first got together. Behind my back, no less.
It's the only way it could've happened. I tried to stop it and come between them because deep down I know in my heart I'll eventually fuck up so much even my sister will walk away from me. Only now when she does, she's going to take my best friend with her.
I glance back at my father wishing I could express in some small part how his leaving set off a domino effect that lead me here, right up to this point. I don't say any of this though because as much as I don't want to admit it, I know it's on me.
I fucked up. Again.
I proved my mother right, just the way I always do.
I fight every urge I have to say anything because even though I blame him the way my mother blames me, I want him here. I don't know what I'm going to face when we get back home, but it's not going to be easy. I know when I fall, when I crumble, everyone else will walk away. They'll step on me, over me in their retreat, further shattering the pieces of my soul.
He won't. Like me, he has too much guilt, and I need to know someone will at least try to piece me back together before tossing me in the trash. If I shove my father away with the bitterness eating at me, he'll leave me for dead the same as everyone else.
I nod and separate myself from the group.
*
I shut my eyes, grateful to be the only one on the aircraft sitting alone. I didn't have to. I could've taken a seat closer to the front with everyone else. Instead I slipped into the last row of double seats.
My father and Stephan are talking with Noah and Lexi, who are cuddled up on the couch across from them. Part of me yearns to be with them, to be part of something more than myself; to be part of a family.
I'll never admit it, but I'm jealous of Noah. My father accepted him with open arms. And Stephan gushes over both him and Lexi. Me, I'm the pain in the ass, the outsider. Even with my own father. If I could go back in time, I'd fix this all. I'd stick it out in Italy with Selene instead of running home like a little fucking girl. And that's why I'm here instead of with her. Because once again I ran away. I left her to fend for herself. Only this time the consequences could be fatal.
Why does this thought feel like my balls are being sliced open and fed to me for breakfast?
Is it love? Is it possible that even under the anger and resentment I really do love her? Or is it just guilt? I wish to God I could figure it out.
I want to sort out my feelings. I need to figure out what I'm going to do when we get home and I see Selene because one way or the other I need to make a firm decision about my future. Either she's it, and only her, or I walk away for good. Forever. Without ever looking back. If she's even alive when we get back home.
That thought sears my heart. I want to cry out and shriek from the pain. But I don't. Instead I do what I always do. I beat it down inside of me and ignore it. Just like I've done with my feelings for Luna over the years, both the good and the bad.
That reaction alone should convince me that I love Selene. I'd believe it too, if I didn't know how much I resented her. How I couldn't stand to be with her, to be touched by her. I believed she was the noose around my neck choking the life out of me. I'm starting to wonder if instead, she was the platform that supported my weight, keeping my feet on the ground, keeping me safe and alive, protected from that damn noose.
This is the first time I'm envious of what my friend found with my sister. It's the first time I miss having someone to reach out to and hold, or having a hand to grasp. Like so many years ago, this is a time I need to lean on someone and borrow their strength. I need to feel like I have something to offer another human being, that I have something to live for.
Loneliness pokes and jabs at me. It might be nice to have someone I can count on in my life, someone special. A lover. A partner. Especially if that someone is Selene.
I don't move. I stay where I am, lean my head back and close my eyes thinking back to the day I first laid eyes on her.
Chapter 4
After five long minutes of waiting to place my order, the line at the coffee shop thins out. I'm already running late. I don't know why I bothered waiting in the first place. Now that there are only two of us left on line, the guys behind the counter are goofing off, laughing and throwing towels at each other. I need to remember not to come here again.
Normally I wouldn't give a rat's ass, but the never ending vibrations from my phone have me ready to pounce on the first asshole to cross my path.
It's been blowing up all morning. I don't bother checking to see who it is. I made a mistake with the girl from the club last night. Noah said she looked familiar. He also warned me that she'd been staring at me all night with stalker like intensity. But she was hot, and we hit it off.
It wasn't until after Maddie and I had been going at it for a while and I called her Madison instead of Madeline, that she turned into a banshee. She pushed me away and picked up everything in her reach; a brush, a glass from the coffee table, and threw them at my head.
Crazy bitch. She followed up that five star act by screaming the most cliché things like, "How dare you," and "You conceited prick."
I didn't bother to answer her which set her off even more. She tried for a reaction one last time as I headed toward the door.
"How can you fuck me, not call, then go home with me a second time and not know who I am?" That doesn't usually happen. If I go for a repeat, I'm well aware of it.
"Guess that tells you something about your skills, or lack of in that department," I snapped back before heading out the door.
I couldn't get out of there faster if someone told me the building was about to implode. As I slipped out, Maddie, chased after me covering herself with a sheet.