"Visiting hours start in an hour and a half."
"But I'm the father." That has to pull some weight.
"I'm sorry, sir. Fathers are given wrist bands so they can come and go as they please and we can easily identify them.
"I was out of town, and she delivered early." I'm leaning in over the desk, and the old bat looks nervous. She should be, I'm about to jump over the desk, push her out of the way and look Selene up myself.
"Maybe if you call the nurse's station on the maternity ward?" Noah says slipping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me back. "We rushed here from a wedding ceremony in California, and he's been worried sick. You can see, we're still dressed in our tuxedos."
"Oh." The woman says as if a lightbulb just lit her whole fucking brain. "Well congratulations. Marriage is a big step."
Congratulations. Shit. The uncomfortable look on her face, tells me she thinks Noah and I got married. I give my friend who still has his arm slung over my shoulder a sideward glance. Well played.
"I didn't realize. Okay, let me call ahead and inform them that you're coming. Unfortunately I'll only be able to let one of you up," she says focusing on Noah. "Oh, and Sir," she turns back to me. "If you're lying you won't be allowed back."
"Understood."
Chapter 26
I don't know if the old crab called up and they're expecting me, or if they're a lot less lax about the rules up here because Old Battle Axe keeps the people out, but no one stops me except to wish me good morning or say hello. I pass the nursery on my way to her room. I want to stop and look in, but I can't. Right now my focus is on Selene. I don't know what kind of shape she's in. I need to deal with her first, then I can get the details about my child.
My child.
Warmth spreads through my chest. It's the first time I thought of it as a child, instead of something alien and vile. My baby. How could I ever have thought of it as anything but?
The door to Selene's room is open. My heart stops as I stand just outside and take it all in. She looks peaceful lying with her eyes closed in the bed. It's the leads and wires running from her to various machines and monitors that steal my breath. When I heard she was stable, I thought that meant she was fine and didn't need these things. I didn't expect the IV, the blood pressure cuff monitoring her regularly, or the nasal cannula. My eyes start to water. I squeeze them tight, trying to fight my emotions and keep them under control.
"She had a rough night." I turn to the voice beside me.
"Is she . . ." I try to swallow down my fear. "Is she okay?"
"Go on in," the nurse says walking away without answering my question.
I pull a chair right up to the side of the bed and reach for the hand resting beside her. It's warm. Warm is good. I breathe a little easier. I trail my fingers over hers, careful to avoid the needle sticking out of the area just above it.
"You might not believe this," I say staring at her, willing her to open her eyes. "But even now, you're the most beautiful woman in the world. I've missed you so much, baby."
Tears start to fall. I let them. Something happened on the plane when I told my father about Luna. I feel like I've been ripped open and shred to pieces. All the love I've been trying to deny, trying to fight, rose to the surface like a torrential flood. I love Luna. Still. Even though she tore me apart inside. I'll always feel guilty for turning my back and failing her. But that's doesn't even touch the surface of how I feel for Selene. She's my world, my universe. I'll walk through fire to save her, because nothing exists for me without her. And I will not fail her ever again.
"I don't know if you figured it out yet or not, but I'm not good with words. People tend to think I am because I ramble on so much, but it's just a facade. See, I'm nervous because I don't know what to say, so I compensate by using a fancy word."
No response.
"I'm sorry doesn't come close to how I feel or what I want to say. And the truth is I'm so tired of apologizing to you. Not that I haven't owed you every apology, but I don't want to fuck up and have to apologize anymore." I shake my head, hoping she can't hear me, because I sound like the same selfish asshole I've been since I met her. "What I mean is I don't want to mess up anymore. I want to be better. I want to be worthy of your love."
Her fingers curl around my hand, but her eyes are still closed. She hears me. She knows I'm here and she's responding to me. I jump up and move closer to the bed. I half sit on the bed, bring her hand up to my lips and kiss it gently, while stroking the side of her face with the other hand.
"I hit rock bottom last night. In every possible way. The worst part was thinking I lost you, and waiting to get to you felt like a slow death. I realized my life doesn't mean anything if you’re not in it. You're what makes my world beautiful. You're the smell of fresh cut grass, and watermelon in the summer. You're the delicious bubbles in champagne and the color in a rainbow. Selene, you are everything. Everything I want. Everything I need. And right now, what I need more than anything is for you to open your eyes and forgive me one last time."
The nurse I met outside her door a few minutes ago pushes something into the room. It's like a small dresser, with a clear tub on top of it. My pulse sprints when I look at the tiny bundle wrapped in a pink and blue teddy bear blanket being transported.
My mouth is dry. I can't speak, and the tears I thought I got under control bombard me. It's the baby. Our baby. I want to reach out for it, but I'm afraid. I've never held one, and I don't want to do it wrong.
"Time to wake up, Selene," the nurse says opening the blanket the tiny bundle is wrapped in and changing the diaper. "Your son is looking to eat."
"Son? We have a son?" I look from the nurse to Selene and back.
"Oww, Cooper, you're squeezing so tight, you're hurting me," Selene pulls her hand out of my grasp as her blue eyes flicker open.
I don't care, I'm so happy to see those crystal blue orbs, nothing else matters.
"We have a son?"
"Yes. We have a son," Selene answers.
"May I see him?" I ask the nurse. "Please?"
"Of course." She carries him around to me on the other side of the bed.
He's so tiny, and perfect. His miniature hand is fisted and rubbing against his gums, and a frantic cry is coming out of his little mouth. I'm in awe that I had any part in the creation of this perfect little being.
"Would you like to hold him?"
Again I look to both women, making sure they're okay with it.
"Go wash your hands," the nurse nudges her head toward a sink behind me.
Once I'm clean, I stand next to the nurse and listen attentively as she transfers the baby to my arms.
"The most important thing is to keep his head supported."
I nod as I look down into the clear blue eyes of my son. "He's so beautiful. Hey little guy. I'm your daddy." I say looking down into his tiny face. "He's so tiny. Is that okay?"
"He's a little on the small side, but nothing to worry about," the nurse answers.
"He's early though. Is he fully developed?"
She smiles at me, and I can't help feeling like she's calling me an idiot in her head. It's okay, lady. I am an idiot. I should've been better prepared, but I'm trying to make up for that now"