"He's only a few weeks early. He's not a premie, and he's doing fine. Now, he does need to eat." She lifts my son from my arms, and I feel like a piece of me is gone.
I stand back and watch as the nurse and Selene open one side of the hospital gown and work to get the baby latched on to his mother. Lucky kid.
The nurse leaves to go get me a wrist band. It gives us time to spend together and bond with our child.
Our child.
I think if I opened the window and jumped off the ledge I'd soar like an eagle. The thoughts of a baby, and family used to bring with them the feeling of a noose tightening around my neck. Right now those same thoughts are the only things that make sense in my life. This is absolutely what I want and where I want to be.
"Are you comfortable? Can I get you anything?" I ask feeling useless.
Selene shakes her head. "I'm surprised you're here."
"Where else would I be?"
She cocks her eyebrow up, and I know I have it coming. I don't care. I want to hash it all out here and now so we can move on, move forward.
"Honestly, anywhere but here."
I stroke her hair, "I'm sorry I haven't been around."
"You're talking about the last three weeks, what about the six months before that?"
"Maybe I needed that time to grow up."
"It's not just me anymore. I have him to think of. If I make the wrong choice it could hurt him for the rest of his life. And then he might end up like you."
Ouch.
I cup her cheek. "I can't be that bad. You did fall in love with me."
"Yeah, I'm an idiot."
I laugh and kiss the top of her head. "No. You're one of the smartest women I know. And I'm betting somehow, you still love me. And Selene, you might not believe it, but even from the beginning, from the first night I brought you home I wanted to be better for you. I just didn't know how."
"And now you do?"
"Now I am better, because of you. Because of him. I don't have a choice. I don't want a life without you both in it. That longing, that love, they make the fear I let control me insignificant."
"This is your last chance at freedom. That's what you really want. To come and go as you please, with whomever you feel like being with at the moment."
"No. It's what I thought I wanted. But the problem is, it never made me happy. I felt happiness I never did with you. Why don't you ask the question that's really on your mind."
"Fine. How many girls were you with out there before you realized you want me?"
"None."
She blinks but doesn't say anything.
"As in not a single one. I tried to call you, but you wouldn't take my calls."
"I couldn't." Her eyes tear.
"It's okay." I swipe her tears away with my thumbs. "I buried myself in work with my father and Stephan. I had the opportunity to see who my father really is. And you know what I found? He's everything I remember him being as a kid. He let me talk, or mope. He gave me room to think and he was there when I needed him. Maybe I needed to be reminded of what it means to be a father, because I didn't think I had it in me."
"You're making my head hurt."
I smile at her. "Look, I know I'm still going to make mistakes, but at least I have my father to go to for advice. And I have you to help me muddle through being a parent. And after being faced with losing you both, it doesn't scare me anymore. The thing I find terrifying right now is the thought that I might have come to my senses too late. That's one mistake I can't live with. Please, tell me it's not too late."
"I need time to think."
"I understand. Just as long as you're not kicking me away and running to Mateo while you sort it all out."
"You were right about him wanting more from me." My chest tightens. I clamp my mouth shut as I listen to her. "He got mad that I didn't want his name on the birth certificate. I couldn’t. Not without your consent."
"Yeah, well that's never going to happen."
"Cooper, there's something else I need to know."
"What's that?"
"You're standing here declaring your love for me, meanwhile you have a tattoo on your shoulder for some other woman. You have nightmares about her and call her name out in your sleep, but you refuse to tell me anything about her. I need to understand what happened with Luna."
I hang my head. I've done this once today, I'm hoping this time it won't be as hard. "I'm sorry I was such a jerk about her before. It just hurt so much to even think about her. And I was afraid if you knew, you'd hate me. Because when I think of her, I hate me."
"Are you willing to talk about her now?"
"I'm willing to do whatever it takes because the thought of losing you hurts more." I look away and take a deep breath before I start on Luna. "She was my first love. My first everything really. She was in danger and she needed my help. I found out she cheated on me.”
“She got pregnant and claimed it was yours?”
I run my hand through my hair, stalling. “Yeah. It was her ex’s. But it didn’t matter. By that time I turned my back on her and she’d been raped by her stepfather. In the end she killed herself."
"Aww, Cooper. I’m so sorry."
I hold my hand up to stop her. I don't need her pity. I need to own up to how I let my past with Luna sabotage my future with Selene.
"I've lived with that guilt for a lot of years. I still hate myself for not doing anything to help her. But I realize now, I couldn't save her. Her life was far too screwed up long before I ever came into it. But I couldn't see that before. The deeper and harder I fell for you, the guiltier I felt about what happened to Luna. I couldn't separate my feelings for you from my guilt over her. They'd mix and mingle, and I was terrified I'd end up losing you too, and I couldn't live with that."
She reaches over and squeezes my hand.
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Are you sure about that?" I know I shouldn't push, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't. "You said you needed time. I'm willing to give it to you."
"I don't need time. I know I want to spend my life with you."
I dip my head and I close my eyes, allowing the relief, the love, and the happiness those words bring, to wash over me.
"Are you okay?" She asks.
"I'm better than okay. I'm fucking fabulous." I stand and kiss the top of her head.
"I'm feeling really tired all of a sudden. Do you want to hold your son?"
"Can you help get him settled in my arms?"
I realize we had a few girl's names we both liked, but we hadn’t agreed on any boys names.
"We need a name for him."
"I already have one." She smiles at me. "I want to name him after his father."
"Cooper junior? I guess we can call him CJ, that’s cute."
She shakes her head. "No. Not Cooper."
I hold my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I realize, even if it does and she confesses right now that he isn't mine, it won't change anything. I love her too much, and I'm already crazy in love with him.
"I was thinking more along the lines of Jaxson Stone Sutton."
"Jaxson? Really?"
"Really. I know you don't think you're a hero, but I always will."
Chapter 27
I look down at Jaxson sleeping in my arms. I don't want to put him down ever. I'm letting Selene rest for a few minutes before we're bombarded by my family. She warned me when her parents show up they're going to look to cut my junk off. It's okay, I'll own up to every mistake I made. I know I have a lot of fences to mend.