During the two weeks I was in New York, Elizabeth and I communicated through just one secret phone call. I missed her the whole time. My feelings about leaving her and going back to China became unbearable. Duty towards my motherland, responsibility for my family, the desire for Western freedom-I thought I had made up my mind to go back to China but now I was wavering. What does China have to offer you? The Red Detachment of Women? The dance world is yours to explore and conquer here. You have a beautiful American girl who loves you dearly. What more do you want? Don't go back. But then I thought of my parents, my brothers, my friends back in China. What about Teacher Xiao and Teacher Zhang? What about Ben and his relationship with China? You will destroy them all if you stay. And they have done so much for you.
It was in this confused, guilt-ridden state of mind that I returned to Houston, with only three days left before returning to China. Zhang and I spent the morning shopping for presents for friends and family back in China and that afternoon I met Elizabeth two blocks away from Ben's apartment.
"I missed you!" she said, and immediately sensed my unease.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing wrong," I replied, but my heart was screaming. "Let's go to Chinatown and see a movie."
First we went to a gift shop where I bought Preston Frazier a decorative Chinese plate as a farewell present. Then I bought Elizabeth a Chinese jade ring. "For our friendship," I said.
She looked at me tenderly. "Thank you," she replied.
In the dark of the movie theatre a Taiwanese film with English subtitles had already started. Forget about the movie, go to her apartment, a voice inside me said. No, you can't do that! Be strong or you will wallow in a greater mess, another voice replied.
Half an hour after the movie finished we were lying on the bed in Elizabeth 's one-bedroom rented apartment, once more immersed in our passionate love. This was too much. You love her. Stay.
I called Lori. It was late afternoon. "Hi, Big Ballerina," I said. "I and Elizabeth, come talk with you?" I asked.
"Li, the Big Ballerino! Sure, when do you want to come?"
"Now okay?" I asked.
"Now? Okay," she replied.
Lori's apartment was half a block away from Elizabeth 's and we were there in no time. "I want marry Elizabeth!" I said to Lori and Delworth as soon as we walked in.
Lori gave Elizabeth and me a passionate hug. She was nearly in tears, she was so happy. Then she became more serious. "Have you told Ben yet?" she asked.
"No. I don't know how or when. He wouldn't like. He will kill me and Elizabeth when he find out, because he love China too much."
"Who cares about that," Delworth barged in. "Let's have a wedding party!"
"In two days I go back China. No time for wedding," I said.
"Well, you could get married in a courthouse. It will only take a couple of hours. Delworth and I can be your witnesses," Lori suggested.
So at ten the next morning Elizabeth and I made our vows as husband and wife in the Harris County Courthouse, with Lori and Delworth by our sides. Elizabeth quickly kissed me, and Lori and Delworth clapped.
After we signed the marriage documents the four of us walked out of the courthouse into a beautiful April day. I'm married. I've married Elizabeth, I thought. And then immediately, what have I done to Ben?
"When are you going to tell Ben?" Elizabeth asked.
"Don't know. Not today. Big party tonight! Maybe tomorrow," I replied. Ben and the company had planned a farewell party for Zhang and I for our second-last night in America.
"We'll have our first night together tomorrow then. I can't wait," she said.
"Ben will be very angry. I don't know what he will do." I felt disoriented. I couldn't stop thinking of what I had done-I had done something behind Ben's back. Once more, happiness was overshadowed by guilt.
"Don't be afraid. We have each other," said Elizabeth. "You can dance anywhere. We can dance in Florida together, they will love you there!"
"Yes, we have each other," I repeated.
We did. We had each other. But neither of us knew how important that would be, only the very next day.
There were over a hundred dancers and friends at the farewell party for Zhang and me that night, held in the main dance studio.
Elizabeth was there too. Everyone brought us presents and wished Zhang and me happiness. I felt like screaming, I'm married! I won't be going back to China tomorrow! Take your presents back! But I couldn't. Instead I put on a pleasant face, thanked everyone for their kindness and continued the deception.
Elizabeth and I had our first dance together that night. "This is our wedding dance," she whispered. "Are you happy?"
I nodded but I felt uncomfortable with Zhang and me being the centre of attention. Lori and Delworth were there too, and the four of us pretended nothing special had happened. Lori's present to me that night was a badge. It said "Don't let the turkeys get you down". It showed a turkey standing on a pile of turkey shit with other turkeys standing threateningly around him. I didn't really understand it but I pinned it to my shirt all the same.
The following morning, the day before I was to return to China, I called Elizabeth at Delworth's as soon as Ben and Zhang had gone out. Elizabeth, Delworth and Lori arrived and loaded up my belongings. Then we went up to Lori's apartment to make the phone call I dreaded most.
"Hello?" Ben answered.
"Ben, I want tell you something," I said straightaway. "I'm married. I'm not go back to China."
Silence.
Eventually, "No, Li, you didn't. Who?"
"Elizabeth Mackey," I replied.
" Elizabeth? You can't be married!" he was virtually shouting now. "You are going back to China! Tomorrow!"
"Ben, listen. I love Elizabeth, she is my wife. I take her to China later when I have money, but not tomorrow," I said.
"Li, I can't believe this! You are destroying everybody's lives. I won't ever be allowed back to China!"
My heart was torn by his words. I knew it was true. I alone would be responsible for creating so much pain for others. I knew Ben had been negotiating with the Chinese government to take some dancers to China -now his plans would be ruined. But I felt like I was being swept up into a whirlpool and only fate could determine the outcome. I wanted to worry about Ben and his plans but I couldn't.
Ben changed to a more persuasive, softer tone. "Oh, Li, why are you doing this? China is where you belong. You are Chinese. You can't stay here! You don't even know Elizabeth!"
"I love Elizabeth, we are married. We are happy…"
"You are not married, don't be stupid!" he interrupted angrily. "Where did you marry?"
I felt our conversation was going nowhere. "Ben, I go now."
"Li, where are you?" he asked urgently.
But it was no use going on. I hung up and buried my head in my hands.
Elizabeth, Lori and Delworth looked very concerned. "What did he say?" Lori asked.
I tried to repeat everything that Ben had said but everyone was becoming emotional by now. I knew one thing for sure. There wouldn't be a future for me at the Houston Ballet. It broke my heart. It was like waiting to be executed. The only comfort was Elizabeth 's love and Lori and Delworth's friendship.