‘It was what I called her when we were apprentices.’
‘Yeah, well, she’s not an apprentice now,’ Luna said. ‘I thought about this when I picked my mage name. I decided that I’d use my mage name for formal stuff, but not for anything personal. So if I’m entering a duelling competition or doing something with the Council, then I’m Vesta, but to you and Anne and Vari and to anyone else I’m friends with, I’m just Luna. A lot of mages don’t do that – once they pass their tests, they switch over to using their mage name for everything. But Deleo kills people for calling her her old name. What message do you think that sends?’
‘What are you getting at?’
‘You and Shireen still call her Rachel,’ Luna said. ‘It’s like you think she’s still the same person. What if she’s not? What if Rachel’s dead and Deleo’s what’s left?’
‘Then I’ll just have to work with what I’ve got,’ I said. ‘Look, I see what you’re getting at, but when I asked the dragon how I could split Rachel away from Richard, it gave me an answer. It wasn’t a very comprehensible answer, but it made it clear that it was possible.’
‘How?’
‘It told me that Rachel saw me more clearly than I saw myself,’ I said. ‘And that until I recognised the ways in which we were alike, I wasn’t going to get anywhere.’
Luna frowned. ‘What ways?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘But thinking about it, there was one thing I did learn from that conversation last night. Up until now, I’ve been trying to get Rachel to turn against Richard by … well, manipulating her, I guess. But it’s really obvious now that that’s not going to work, because Rachel knew exactly what I was doing. She always seems to be able to do that. I can’t trick her the way I can other people.’
Luna frowned. ‘You think she knows you that well?’
‘The dragon said so, didn’t it?’
‘Then what about everything else Deleo said?’ Luna asked. ‘Do you think that was true?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said with a sigh. ‘Some of it hit a bit close to home. You remember back during your journeyman test, when I had that split-up with Caldera? Well, we were talking as well as fighting, and a lot of what she was saying was really close to what I heard last night from Rachel. About how I’m so arrogant, don’t think the rules apply to me. It was different rules she was talking about, but apart from that they used practically the same words. If people as far apart as those two tell you the same thing …’ I trailed off, thinking. ‘It never really occurred to me, but I guess they’re alike in a way. Because in their different ways, they both did follow the rules. Rachel as a Dark apprentice, Caldera as a Light Keeper. They did as they were told, changed themselves to fit in. Then after spending years and years working without any kind of reward, I show up, break all the rules, don’t do as I’m told and get promoted over their heads. I guess it’s not surprising that they’re pissed.’
‘That sounds like their problem.’
‘But that wasn’t really the part that bothered me,’ I said. ‘I’m okay with being bad at following other people’s rules. What bothered me was her telling me that I wanted the same things as her.’
‘That’s not really true.’
‘It kind of is,’ I said. ‘I didn’t join up with Richard for no reason. Yes, he’s really good at being persuasive, but he didn’t have to try very hard. The truth was, I loved the idea of being powerful and feared. If I hadn’t, I never would have agreed to go with him in the first place.’
‘Okay, so maybe you did want that back then,’ Luna said. ‘But that was then. You’re different now.’
‘Am I?’ I said. ‘The feared part, maybe. The powerful part? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t have spent so long studying and training otherwise.’
‘None of that makes the other things she was saying true,’ Luna said. ‘You’re not selfish. You worked really hard to help me, and Vari and Anne as well. All three of us know that. That’s why we trust you.’
I smiled at Luna. ‘Have I ever told you I really appreciate how loyal you are?’
Luna shrugged. ‘Most people don’t have to think about this kind of stuff. They pick friends based on whether they’re fun to hang out with. When you’ve dealt with the kinds of things we have, it teaches you to pay a lot of attention to whether someone’s going to be there when things go wrong.’
‘I know the feeling. But maybe you and Rachel are both right.’
‘How?’
‘You’ve seen me help you and your friends, so you see me as unselfish and trustworthy,’ I said. ‘Rachel’s seen me turn against Richard and build up my own strength, so she sees me as power-hungry and manipulative. Maybe you’re both seeing me clearly, just from different sides.’
‘If you say so. How’s this supposed to help?’
‘The dragon told me I needed to understand the ways in which Rachel and I are the same.’
‘You both talk a lot?’
‘We both want to be powerful,’ I said. ‘Anne doesn’t. She’s got more power than she needs and more than she’s really comfortable with. She’d be a lot happier if she could just live quietly. You and Vari are both in a good place. You’re both okay with the level of power you can wield. I’m the only one out of our group of four who has less power than he wants. Or needs.’
‘Again, how’s this supposed to help?’
I sighed. ‘No idea. Let me know if you have any sudden revelations.’
A few days passed.
‘I’m still not seeing why you need me along,’ I said into the focus.
‘We already went through this,’ Lyle said.
‘I’m not the one negotiating.’
‘The legal formalities require that a Council member be present.’
‘So get your boss to go,’ I said. ‘Or someone from the Junior Council. It’s not like I’m the only choice.’
‘But you are Morden’s aide.’
‘Make up your frigging mind,’ I said in annoyance. ‘Either I’m there in my capacity as Junior Council, which means I’m a Council member, or I’m there in my capacity as Morden’s aide, which means I’m not a Council member. You can’t have both.’
It was afternoon on the following Wednesday, and I was in my office in the War Rooms. Anne was sitting curled up in her usual spot on the sofa, reading a letter and listening with half an ear. I was arguing with Lyle and currently losing.
I’d known for a couple of days that I was going to be forced to be involved in the (supposedly) final negotiations with Morden. I hadn’t been keen, since I had a nasty feeling Levistus had yet another trick up his sleeve to screw me over. I’d become even less keen once I found out that both Levistus and Sal Sarque’s aides were going to be there too.
‘Look, Alex, you know how this is going to go,’ Lyle said. ‘Why are you giving me a hard time about this?’
‘I’m giving you a hard time?’ I said. ‘You’re trying to get me to spend the afternoon with two people who’ve repeatedly tried to kill me. If you were in my position, you’d be putting up much more of a fuss.’
‘Barrayar is tasked with the actual negotiation,’ Lyle said. ‘You’ll be there in a purely ceremonial capacity. You won’t even have to enter Morden’s cell.’
‘Oh, that sounds great. I can hang out with that lovely girl that Sal Sarque’s taken up with instead. How do you think that conversation’s going to go? “Hi there, lovely weather we’re having, planted any bombs in my house recently?”’
Lyle sighed. ‘Do you really want me to go to the Council on this?’