He knows how they think, how they feel, because they always think someone is coming for them, like he does.
He has made mistakes.
There was one (recently) who slipped by him. A Lithuanian or an Estonian — he can’t tell the difference between the Baltic states. She wanted to be caught because she left the tablet bottles in the bin and gradually the volume of them made him suspicious. Against his better judgment, which is not to be involved, never to inquire for inquiry leads to involvement, involvement leads to questions and mam has warned him of that.
Stay out of it Martin John, for the love of God stay out of it, I cannot save you now you’re in London, get yourself into bed early and stay out of it. D’ya hear?
The day he made the mistake, she, the renter, was unnaturally quiet, so Martin John gave in to curiosity. Up he went, contemplated briefly that he ought to put carpet on the stairs because it’s irritating. It’s irritating to hear them, the tenants, climbing around him and today he didn’t hear her and that was irritating too. That was why he was up to make this inquiry. An inquiry he would later regret. Maybe she could hear him climbing, he doesn’t want to be heard, he didn’t want to be climbing, but he was climbing and this was not what he should be doing. Knocked. No answer. Retreat to kitchen. A cup of tea drank, three minutes marked on the clock and the decision to check one more time before he left to his late shift.
This time, door tried and it opened. She wanted someone to come in. He continued knocking as he pushed it. She was sleeping.
Sorry now.
No reply, no movement.
He put his hand on the cover and her leg but couldn’t wake her. He put his hand up and down her leg considerably longer than was needed to ascertain anything. Furious, more than concerned she might be dead, he placed a 999 call on the coin phone, up there, beside the door, stoic and informative. The way the ambulance men looked at him confirmed what mam said. It didn’t do for a man of his vintage to be renting to a young woman like that. He finally understood the potency of the word allegation.
I couldn’t wake her was the only information he provided. Her name, obviously, did not match any papers about her room and no, he could tell them little about her. I only rent to them, I am not involved with them. They’ve no reason or need to tell me anything and I don’t encourage it. When the ambulance men packed her and her stretcher into the van, they inquired if he was to ride with them. No, he’ll wait. Should he say she was not his relative? Did he already say? What is it they’re thinking about him? Do they think he did this to her?
I must phone her family. He offered this blank. After they left he watched a video and waited for the phone call. No call. On account of the look the ambulance men gave him he went to visit her. He walked to St Thomas’s where they had taken her and all along the walk mumbled stay out, stay out, stay out of it for the love of God Martin John stay out of it.
He phoned all right.
Outside St Thomas’s Hospital he phoned.
He phoned mam.
— I only put my hand on her and she was cold, he stuttered.
What have you done Martin John? What have you done? Oh not again, the Lord save us not again.
— No, not again, not again. He repeated. I only put my hand on her and she was cold. I didn’t do it. I don’t remember the moments before or after. I didn’t hear her say anything. I didn’t do it. I was only covering her leg.
He has made mistakes. All his life he has made mistakes. He continues to make mistakes. By Christ if he could only stop with the mistakes.
The hospital was a mistake.
The hospital came after the phone calls.
The hospital was a mistake.
The hospital that came after the phone calls was a mistake.
Ah, he knows the hospital system well does Martin John. In and out. Oh God he does. The way he is himself. The social worker will be called and will be talking to the girl and he’s to be ready now, must have the old thoughts in order. He has it in his head now, present like a friend, say little to them and they’ll be none the wiser. He’s worried about the social Meddlers as he calls them — the social workers — he cannot have them put the Estonian, who may not be an Estonian, in the notebook (as he calls it). He has it now. He has fouled up, he knows it, but he has it in his head now. Up there installed. Beside his mistakes.
Do everything you can to keep the Estonian out of the notebook. Do everything you can to keep the social workers back. Do everything you can Martin John. Do everything you can.
Only the Estonian is miffed at him for delivering her over to them. The Estonian who might be a Latvian is disappointed in him. It is in her eyes as he hands over a box of Roses chocolates, having considered Quality Street too garish for the occasion. Roses were right, he thought. Were Roses right?
— Why did you call them? A plain inquiry in her crickle-crackle accent.
Was she angry because of the Roses or because of him saving her life? Did it matter? He gave her his copy of today’s paper, The Financial Times, adding he’d like to get it back from her once she’s finished. No rush, he put his two palms up. I’ve done the crossword. She asks in her broken English if he can bring her a magazine tomorrow.
He had no intention of visiting her tomorrow for it would draw further attention to him. This magazine is going to be a problem.
Whether she was angry and about what she was angry faded to interest him. He was angry. She had cluttered up the bin. Thoughtless. He only emptied it every few weeks. Given him strife with the two ambulance men. He thought of mam. He could hear her. He could hear what she’d say. She’s taking the roof down from over you one slate at a time. She’d talk about the greyhound track. She’d talk about the depravity of the country. She’d talk. That was the problem with mam. Mam talked and he couldn’t stop hearing her. Yet could he heed her? No he couldn’t. He could not.
Mam’d tell him. She’d tell him alright. Martin John, what is a man like you, a man with an allegation, doing near a woman like that? They’re out there Martin John, waiting for you, they want to trip you and they want you to trip. You’re a fool. You’ve to be onto them. You’ve got to get ahead of them. D’ya hear?
Mam called him a man with an allegation. He was a man with an allegation. But there was more than one. The others were not out loud yet. But they could come out and if they came out, well then they’d come for him. That’s how it is Martin John, that’s how it is when you’re a man with an allegation.
He knew what to do.
When the time was right he’d let her go. How many days out of the hospital could he leave it, before telling the Estonian she’ll have to move out? If a woman tried to top herself above you on a single divan how many days might you give her before you told her she had to go? Should he tell her now, here in the hospital? Could he whisper it over to her or put a note in the magazine she’d requested? He didn’t know. He didn’t have the answer to this question.
He returned with a magazine and handed it to the nurse who, confused by the instruction could she keep it from the girl ’til tomorrow, tsks there’s no need for that, I’ll take it over straight away (and obviously intends to deliver it straight to the girl in a we’ll-say-no-more-about-it practical manner).