She wipes her eyes. “We wanted a daughter. Wanted someone to love so much. I couldn’t have babies and with both mine and Rex’s past, we couldn’t adopt.”
“I get that and I’m sorry, but I wasn’t yours. That didn’t give you the right to take me. To hurt my family and ruin my life… in the name of what? Wanting a baby? If that’s what love is, screw that. I don’t want anything to do with it.”
Her voice rises. “Don’t you think I know it was wrong? That there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish we’d made a different decision? I will never forgive myself for what we did to you and your family but I also don’t go a day without hurting because we lost you too. No matter what you believe, we loved you.”
My grip on the phone loosens, and it almost falls free. My eyes flitter, trying to rid themselves of the tears. “I loved you too…”
This time it’s me who wipes my eyes. Fear lodges in my throat, trying to keep me from talking. I force the words around it. I’m here and I’m doing this no matter what.
“I remember… I don’t know how I forgot, how I could have thought you guys explained to me that my parents had died and I didn’t realize that hurt but I hadn’t. I remember now. I remember the pain of losing them. The memories of being grabbed keep resurfacing. I cried for them, for my family, and you guys let me believe they were dead… in the name of love.
“And eventually I moved on. I had you and Rex and I loved you guys and you loved me but then they found me and I lost you too. My family was back, only now I cried tears for you. My parents didn’t have a choice in their loss and neither did I. I’m still fucking losing because I’m scared—scared to love them because I don’t want to lose someone again. Scared I’m not worthy of them because I’m not Leila anymore. Because I don’t know how to love them like I don’t know how to love… What is it to love?” Maddox.
“Sweetie—”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare call me that. It’s not fair.” I push to my feet, ready to leave.
“They love you. It doesn’t matter if you’re Coral or Leila. They love you.” Her words make me pause, still holding the phone to my ear. “They always loved you. We… we watched them. They brought you to the park almost every day. They loved you so much, and that makes what we did even worse. Don’t be afraid to let them love you. Don’t be afraid to return their feelings. What we did… God, I loved you, too, but what we did, that isn’t what love is. Don’t ever think that. Love is support. It’s doing your best to take care of people instead of hurting them. It doesn’t mean you’re perfect. It means doing everything you can to be there for the ones you love. Wanting what’s best for them and loving them for who they are too. That’s how your parents feel about you, Leila. And I know that you feel that way about them too.”
My hand is shaking so bad I have to squeeze the phone tighter. Her words unlock my heart. No, I wasn’t Leila anymore but that never stopped them from loving me. They don’t understand my tattoos yet they still helped me start Masquerade. We don’t always see things the same way, but I have no doubts in my mind that they want me happy. Still, is being Bee enough?
“You fell in love, didn’t you?” Melody’s voice is soft in my ear.
“Yes.” The word comes out automatically. A part of me wants her to know it before I say good-bye.
And he accepts who I am and tries to be there for me too. I know to the marrow of my bones he would be there for me with this. He’s tried. All I do is push him away. “I don’t know if I can love him the way he deserves.” One more time, I look at her. “I can’t forgive you for taking me but… I don’t hate you either.”
She gives me a sad smile.
“Good-bye.” After hanging up the phone, I walk out of the room.
* * *
The house I lived in with Melody and Rex is empty. I don’t know anything other than that, which means at any moment, someone could find me here. It doesn’t matter.
I’m wrapped up tight in a sweatshirt and jacket as I sit in the backyard, waiting for the stars. Actually, I don’t even think it’s for them I’m waiting on, but for answers.
Somehow I thought telling Melody how I feel—by getting a good-bye—I would magically change. That didn’t happen.
It’s late afternoon, probably an hour or so before dusk. Mom’s called but I ignore it like I do pretty much anything important in my life.
My eyes dart to the side of the house when I hear the gate open. I don’t try to move. What’s the point? Whoever comes through will see me and know I’m not supposed to be here, and I’ll deal with it.
“Bee?” A cocktail of excitement and fear shoots through me at the sound of Maddox’s voice, right before he steps around the side of the small house. “Hey…”
“How…?” It doesn’t even occur to me to be mad. He had to have talked to my parents or something to find out enough about me to think to look here. Instead of that anger, the tenseness in me releases and my heart slows.
“You’re going to be pissed.” He smirks but it’s obviously an effort.
“Tell me anyway.”
“I looked in your desk… I found the articles, did some more detective work that led me here, and people in town are quick to answer questions. Finding the house was the easy part.”
I feel a moment of panic and shame at the thought of him reading about my past, but I’m so numb that it fizzles away.
He kneels in front of me and I wish like hell he would touch me.
“Why didn’t you tell me, baby?”
My chest swells at the endearment. It’s not something I ever would have thought I’d like—to be called baby. “It’s not usually my conversation starter, Scratch.”
He frowns. “And that’s still where we are? We haven’t moved forward at all since we met?”
There’s a pain in Maddox’s voice I’ve never heard directed toward me before. “You know that’s not true. You’re…” Everything. “You know I suck at this.” He still hasn’t shaved and I wish I could rub the dark stubble on his face.
“You know that’s a bullshit excuse. I don’t know how to do this either.”
This time I can’t stop myself from touching him. I haven’t been able to since we first met and I don’t think I want to. “You do, Maddox… You might not know it but you’re good at it.”
Maddox sits next to me in the middle of the lawn. “If I was good at it, I wouldn’t have told you to leave. I would have told you I loved you and if you weren’t ready to say it back, I would have supported you and been there for you. Probably would have fucked up a few times but I would have been there until you were able to trust me.”
This is how you love. Right here, what he’s doing.
It’s probably the wrong thing to do, most girls probably wouldn’t, but I need to be close to him, so I crawl forward and climb into Maddox’s lap. Facing him, I straddle his lap and touch his hair to make sure he’s really here.
The things he said I never would have imagined hearing coming out of his mouth and they were scary, but somehow that fear is eclipsed by their beauty. “I trust you probably more than I have anyone in my life. I… That’s why I came here. I thought maybe if I understood how they felt or why they took me, I could…”
When my words trail off, Maddox speaks. “I talked to Adrian. I told him about Ash. He’s telling Laney. I would have. I needed to go, though. I had to be here—”
“Oh my God.” I try to push off him. He holds me instead. “You shouldn’t be here. I’m so sorry. How could I have forgotten? Your mom. You need to be with your sister. You shouldn’t have followed me all the way to Kansas.”
Maddox shakes his head, holding me tight. “I needed to do something for me.”
A tear slips out of my eye. “You came here.”
“Because I need you.”
I have never wanted to swoon over a guy before. I never thought that was me. There have been hot guys and I’ve screwed around with them or admired them but that’s all. Maddox is so much more than that. His words burn me alive and make me melt at the same time. They fill me when I’ve made myself empty for so long.