Finally finished, I let out a deep sigh, eyes still shut. However, the feeling of her hand on my cheek, lifts my eyelids back open.
Jovi softly strokes my face as she says, “I love you, Merrick McCoy.”
Nestling into the feeling of security it brings, I reply, “I love you, Jovi Carter. So fucking much...”
Enough that I may have issued my own death warrant in an attempt to escape from this life to try to start a new one with her. But let's not mention that just yet, alright? Give me what might be one of the last moments like this I get.
Jovi
Dead. I don't even wanna say the word out loud. I just...I know that it won't change the fact that Ben is gone, but I feel like if I say it, it might make it permanent. Does that make sense? Of course that doesn't make any sense.
I run my fingers through Merrick's hair, the simple gesture obviously a soothing one from the way the tears that had come back have dispersed again. He adjusts his head on my chest once more and grips me tighter, holding onto me like I'm his whole life.
And he's mine. Crazy and probably ridiculous to even think let alone say, but he is. I mean there's more to my world, but he's the heartbeat. The center. The masterpiece in my gallery.
Carefully I ask, “How'd...how'd it happen?”
“He um...” Merrick sniffles. “He crashed into a tree.”
“How?”
“According to the police report, reckless driving.”
“You don't buy that?”
“Fuck, no,” he snaps. “Ben did a lot of dumb shit, but he was a good fucking driver. He knew how to take curves with the best of us.”
“Accidents can still happen, Merrick.”
His head pops up. “It wasn't a fucking accident. His car was tampered with.”
“Then why would the police report it otherwise?”
“Because they do shit like that all the time.”
Look, I know not all cops aren't clean, but come on, a conspiracy theory on an accident report? His grieving is just adding to this crazy wave of thoughts. What do you mean you don't agree?
“Why-”
“Not everyone is as clean as you think.”
“Not everyone is as dirty as you think!”
“More often than not, Jovi.” The remark lifts my body to a sitting position, pushing him off of me. Seeing the hurt look on my face he states, “I'm not saying there aren't cops that actually follow the laws.”
“Good because there are.”
“I know. And not everyone on the force has their own personal agenda. I'm just saying, quite a few do. We live in a crooked city. Crooked cops. Crooked lawyers. Crooked doctors. It's another reason I wanna get the fuck out. I know every city has some of that shit, but I don't have to knowingly surround myself with it.”
I nod unsure what else to say.
Merrick moves his body to sit up beside mine. “It's not confirmed if his car was actually tampered with or if one of his performance enhanced pieces malfunctioned.” When my face turns towards his, I see the pain has returned to his usually bright blue eyes. “But Daniel helped put those pieces in. He always checks for duds. He's got a weird sixth sense thing about parts too. And you know my family. If it's anything we know-”
“It's cars.” Our fingers fold together. There's a brief pause before I sigh, “I'm not saying Ben deserved to...to die, but is there any chance this is just life catching up with him?”
The hurt in his eyes deepens.
I sound like such a bitch don't I? A heartless wench!
“I mean, Ben was a great guy, but...he did like to push life to the edge, ya know?” Seeing tears creep into his eye I hurry to undo everything I carelessly just suggested. “Forget it. Forget what I just said! Forget-”
“No.” He squeezes my hand. “You're right. It could've just been life catching up with him.”
No. I don't feel relieved that he's agreeing. I feel worse. So much fucking worse.
“But if it caught Ben, how much longer until it catches up to me, baby?” The weak tone causes my face to tense. In a trembling voice he asks, “How much longer do I have?”
Instantly I pull us together and hug him close.
I deserved that. I deserve this agony eating at me over those words.
With closed eyes, I whisper, “You can't think like that.”
“But I-”
“No.” He grips me tighter, his hard bare chest meshing with mine. “You just have to live. For you.”
Through tears he says, “I'm the reason he died, Jovi. Me. If I had been with him-”
“Both of you would be dead.” Pulling back so our eyes meet again, I shake my head. “And I don't know if I could ever come back from that.”
For a moment he just stares into my eyes as if looking for something, but what I'm not sure. I let him. He can take whatever he needs from me. He can have it. Everything. Anything.
“Let's get married Tuesday.”
Baffled by the change of topic, I shake away the whiplash. “What?”
“We were supposed to get married tomorrow,” he reminds me.
I didn't forget. How could I forget? I spent the entire plane ride to and from trying to decide what to get married in. Sure it's just the courthouse, but I mean I have to get married in something ya know? Well of course that's Hayli's department, but she doesn't know yet. I don't know who our witness is gonna be. I kinda hoped Merrick had figured that out. Right! Focus!
“Well we can't now. We're burying Ben tomorrow-”
“So soon?”
“Always as soon as possible. There won't be a huge ceremony or anything. Just thefamily. Madden spent most of the day dealing with that.”
Slowly I question, “Do you want me there?”
“Of course.”
“Hayli?”
He nods. “You're both family as far as I'm concerned.”
“Your brothers might-”
“Fuck 'em,” he cuts me off. “It's not about who they considered family, but Ben.” There's a flash of something in his eyes that he quickly tries to shake away.
Did you see that too? What do you think that was?
“Anyway, with the funeral Monday, we'll have to move dates. Let's just move it to Tuesday.”
Smiling I touch his cheek. “A funeral and a wedding? I don't feel that's how the movie went...”
Merrick lightly chuckles. “That's what makes this real life.” I roll my eyes and he pushes. “Tuesday.”
“Thursday,” I counter, which makes his eyebrows furrow. “As much as I wanna marry you, there's just something that feels wrong about getting married the day after your best friend gets buried, Merrick. I don't want the happiest day of our lives to be directly beside one of the saddest.”
His lips press tightly together as if biting something back.
Am I wrong? Isn't that weird to get married the very next day?
“Thursday it is,” he agrees. “Thursday you become Mrs. McCoy.”
“Sounds perfect.”
It does right? What do you mean you don't buy that I feel that's perfect? Well I- But I. You-. Okay, okay. I'm not sure that's going to be perfect but it sounds that way. Truth is there's this gut wrenching feeling that Ben's death isn't about to be the only punch we're going to take before we get down the aisle.
Jovi
Merrick sneaks out before the sun rises, leaving me with the task of breaking the news to Hayli.
Trying to be strong for Merrick was hard enough. I have a feeling Hayli's not gonna be any easier. Their bizarre friendship didn't make any sense to me, but meant a lot to them.
“You're up early,” Nadie's voice appears over my shoulder, seconds after I lock the door. “Trying to get the boyfriend out before I woke up?”