Despite himself, Vespasian found himself sympathising with the argument although he knew it to be specious.
Claudius looked at Messalina with wonder in his eyes as if he were beholding the wisest, most beautiful and compassionate being ever to have been given life. ‘You are so right, little bird, we must hear the arguments if only for my good friend Asiaticus’ sake.’ He jerked his head away from Messalina and looked at Suillius. ‘You may b-b-begin.’
Asiaticus slammed his fist down onto the arm of his chair and leapt to his feet interrupting Suillius mid-flow. ‘What proof do you have of any of these allegations, Suillius? You have accused me at some length of passive homosexuality with rank and file soldiers and then adultery; it’s not enough just to say these things, however eloquently — you must back them up.’
‘I haven’t finished making my case, I still have-’
‘This is not a court of law! Nor is it a hearing before the Senate, both of which have protocols to follow; this is an informal hearing before our Emperor.’ Asiaticus rubbed his smooth pate to calm himself and then addressed Claudius. ‘Princeps, as there is no precedent to follow, may I be allowed to deal with the accusations one by one, as they arise, so that the weight of each of the falsehoods levelled at me don’t combine to make the case against me seem overwhelming before I even begin my defence?’
Claudius contemplated the request for a few moments, remaining surprisingly still, his expression hinting at the great pleasure he had in deliberating on such a matter. ‘The differences between precedents and protocol in legal hearings, both formal and informal, must be weighed against the ways of our ancestors.’
Claudius launched into a legal argument of such pedantry that it could only have been of interest to the most petty-minded minor official of a ghastly provincial backwater who had nothing better to do all day than exercise his own self-importance. For Vespasian and everyone else suffering it, however, it was eye-wateringly tedious. It was to vacant, pallid faces that Claudius eventually concluded: ‘So to sum up with the briefest of answers: in this case, but only in this one instance, my judgement, Asiaticus, is yes.’
Evidently having lost track of the argument and therefore whether the judgement was for him or against, Asiaticus stood bewildered for a moment before gathering himself. ‘So I may defend each allegation in turn, Princeps?’
‘Th-th-that was my j-j-j-judgement,’ Claudius replied testily, his stammer, absent during his fluent legal ramble, returning full force.
‘I’m grateful, Princeps.’ Asiaticus faced Suillius. ‘Firstly, the most disgusting allegation: that I allowed, no, actively sought to be penetrated by other men — common legionaries — in return for favours. As if, had I wanted such base entertainment, I couldn’t just get one, or even half a dozen, of my slaves to defile me any time I liked — as many men in Rome do, I believe.’ He raised his eyebrows at Suillius. ‘How did you come up with that idea? What were you doing when it occurred to you that you should level false allegations of buggery with lowlife against me?’
Suillius sneered. ‘Inferences like that won’t hide the truth. I have a witness.’
‘Have you? Then he should be able to recognise me seeing as we’ve been so intimate, or is he going to claim that he only saw the back of my head? Princeps, can I suggest that this witness comes into the room and, without any prompting from this creature here, tries to identify the man whom he alleges was accommodating enough to part his buttocks for him?’
Claudius nodded with enthusiasm. ‘That w-would be an ad-admirable way to settle this.’ He turned to the guards on the door. ‘One of you, fetch this man in.’
Asiaticus took his place back next to Vitellius and then pointed at Suillius. ‘Sit down.’
Suillius did so reluctantly as a squat man of powerful build, in his fifties, wearing a plain citizen’s toga was led in, looking as if he already regretted agreeing to appear in front of such august company. He swallowed as he stood before the Emperor and Empress.
‘W-w-what’s your name, citizen?’
‘Sextus Niger, Princeps.’
‘So, Niger, you allege that you buggered Decimus Valerius Asiaticus in return for favours.’
‘He forced me to, Princeps; I would never do-’
‘Never mind your p-p-personal habits, man; is that what you allege?’
Niger closed his eyes. ‘Yes, Princeps.’
‘Then describe him.’
‘He’s bald, Princeps.’
‘B-b-b-bald? Is that all?’
Niger looked in panic at Suillius.
‘Look at me, N-N-Niger; is that all that you can remember about the man you buggered: he was bald?’
‘It was dark, Princeps.’
Crispinus stifled a guffaw and Claudius shot him a warning look. ‘But he was your commanding officer; you must know what he looks like.’
Niger was momentarily flummoxed. ‘I had just transferred in, Princeps.’
‘If you’re lying, N-N-Niger, I’ll have you stripped of your citizenship and given a starring role in the games this afternoon. Now identify h-h-him.’
Terrified, the man turned and looked around the room to see three men who could be described as bald: two sitting together opposite the Emperor, and a third sitting with two other men. Without a pause he made his choice, knowing that hesitation would be an admission of dishonesty. ‘It’s him.’
Claudius roared with laughter as he looked at Callistus gazing back at the false witness’s finger. Vespasian was sure he detected both Narcissus and Pallas trying to cover amusement under their neutral masks.
Asiaticus joined in with his Emperor’s mirth, looking across at a deflated Suillius. ‘The irony is, Suillius, that at the time this buggery was alleged to have taken place, I wasn’t bald.’
‘Take him away,’ Claudius ordered through his laughter. ‘I look forward to seeing more of you later, Niger; a lot more.’ He took Messalina’s hand. ‘You were so right, dearest one; none of these charges will prove to be true. I think that your friend Suillius has been misled; but nevertheless we should press on so that Asiaticus can prove his innocence.’
As the hapless Niger was dragged off, screaming, Asiaticus got to his feet. ‘I am no taker, Suillius. Just ask your sons, they will confirm that I’m a man. We’ll take up the issue of how and why you got someone to lie about me to the Emperor later, once he’s thrown the rest of your charges out.’
‘He came to me,’ Suillius protested. ‘I don’t trawl the gutter for false witnesses.’
‘Don’t you? Let’s see what your next witness is like; I hope that he’s better coached. What’s he going to accuse me of? Ah yes, adultery with Poppaea Sabina, daughter of the late Gaius Poppaeus Sabinus. So tell me, Suillius, does her husband, Publius Cornelius Lentulus Scipio, a distinguished man in his own right and descended from so many great men, also accuse his wife of adultery? And, if so, does he accuse me of being her lover?’
Suillius spread his arms. ‘Does a husband always know of his wife’s …’ He trailed off as he felt Messalina’s cold stare pierce him; everyone in the room shifted uneasily, including Claudius, and Vespasian wondered just how aware of Messalina’s extramarital activities he really was.
Asiaticus seized on the moment and spoke directly to Claudius. ‘What husband cannot be aware of being cuckolded, Princeps, even if he refuses to acknowledge the signs?’
Claudius answered with a series of uncontrolled head twitches spraying saliva in an arc about him. Messalina stared at Asiaticus, her face rigid.
‘I’ll ask you again, Suillius: does Scipio accuse his wife of adultery?’
‘No.’
‘Then who does?’
‘One of his freedmen.’
‘A freedman? And did he take this accusation first to his patron, the man to whom he owes complete loyalty?’
‘He came to me first.’