“Yes, Max. But we’re not going uphill, either. I think we must be down from the mountain. Now all we have to do is find our way back to the town again. It ought to be- Oh, sorry, Max.”
“My fault-I should have warned you I intended to stop. I want to try to get my bearings. As I recall, the mountain was back that way. So, logically, the town ought to be over that way. Is that how you remember it, 99?”
“Max, I can’t see where you’re pointing.”
“Oh. . yes. . well, let me put it another way. that puts the town to my right. Do you- Uhhhhh, you can’t see me, so you don’t know my right from my left-right?”
“Right, Max.” 99 replied. “But, may I make a suggestion?”
“Go right ahead.”
“Max, if you think the town is to the right, then-considering the various experiences we’ve had in the past-I think we better look for it on the left. I mean, you’re a great hand-holder, Max, but as a direction-finder, you leave a lot to be desired. I hope you won’t resent my frankness.”
“Of course not, 99. Two people, when they’re married, I think, should be frank with each other. Just one word of caution, though, 99. If you have anything frank to say about my breath, I think you better not do it. If you do, our marriage is going to be in big trouble.”
“Honest, Max, you have a very nice breath.”
“Oh. Well, that’s the kind of frankness I can accept. It’s the other kind that I find so objectionable. However, we’ll look for the town on the left, anyway. Because now, after all this delay, I’m so turned-around, I don’t know which was my right and which was my left. And, consequently, by going left we will probably be going right-which will prove that I was right in the first place.” He got hold of 99’s hand. “Come on.”
Again, Max and 99 struck out into the darkness.
“99,” Max said, “there’s something that puzzles me. Why is it that you were never as frank with me while we were courting as you’ve been since we got married?”
“Well, Max, you might not have been interested in marrying me if you’d realized how frank I can be sometimes. But, now that we’re married, what can you do about it? I mean, you can’t get a divorce on the grounds that I’m frank. Frankness is a very admirable trait. The court would just tell you that you ought to be happy to have a wife who was so frank.”
“The court hasn’t ever had its direction-findingness sneered at,” Max grumbled. “That wasn’t very nice of you, 99. When did you ever hear of any other wife complaining about her husband’s direction-findingness?”
“Most wives don’t have any cause to complain about that, Max,” 99 replied. “After they’re married, they don’t have to worry about finding directions because their husbands never take them anywhere.”
“Oh. Well, you can’t say that about our marriage,” Max commented. “Remember last month when I took you to that mass poisoning planned by KAOS for the meeting of the International Brotherhood for Non-Violent Peace Negotiations Association delegates? And the week after that when I took you to that trap that KAOS had planned for us and we nearly lost our heads in that pair of matching guillotines? And now, here we are again, out on the town, wandering around in the dark, surrounded by KAOS assassins.”
“You’re right, Max,” 99 admitted. “We have something most married couples don’t have. Not once since we’ve been married have I had cause to complain that you don’t take me anywhere. But, frankly, Max-”
“Forget it, 99. If you want to continue to be invited along to mass poisonings, you’ll lay off that frankness.”
“All right, Max. Max. . isn’t it getting a little lighter?”
“I noticed that, too, 99. It’s my guess that one of those KAOS assassins decided to turn over a new leaf. He’s probably celebrating by lighting a candle in the darkness.”
“Either that, Max, or dawn is breaking.”
“Yes. . I suppose it could be that,” Max said. “As a matter of fact, isn’t that the sun over there? That orange glow on the horizon, I mean.”
“Yes! And I can see you again, Max!”
“And I can see you, too, 99. And I can also see- 99, look where we are.”
99 looked around. She and Max were standing in the middle of a dusty street, smack-dab in the center of town. “Oh, Max!” she said disgustedly. “There’s the saloon over there. We’re only about fifty yards from it. All this time we’ve been wandering around in the darkness, we could have been searching for the Coolidge-head penny in the saloon! We’ve wasted so much time!”
“Let’s just not waste any more,” Max said. And he headed hurriedly toward the saloon, which was on the other side of the hotel.
As Max and 99 were passing the entrance to the hotel, however, Arbuthnot suddenly appeared from the doorway. He was dressed in a gray sweatsuit and was trotting. The instant he spotted Max and 99 he drew a pistol from inside his sweatshirt, where, apparently, he had a shoulder holster, pointed it at them and ordered them to halt.
“And face the other direction-you’re breathing your germs on me!” Arbuthnot said irritably. “What’s the world coming to, anyway! A man gets up at the crack of dawn and goes out for a little jogging, and what does he meet right outside his door? Germ-spreaders!”
“Anybody who can jog at the crack of dawn deserves anything terrible that happens to him,” Max answered. “Nice people can’t even crawl to the breakfast table at the crack of dawn, let alone make it to the street to go jogging.”
“Turn around!” Arbuthnot snapped.
“Aren’t you worried about our germs?”
“That’s why I want you to turn around. I just tested, and the breeze is blowing from that direction. I want you to turn around and change places with me. That will put you downwind. Come on-snap it up!”
Max and 99 and Arbuthnot changed places. Arbuthnot moved to the street, and Max and 99 took his place on the porch of the hotel.
“Now, we’ll jog,” Arbuthnot informed them. He pointed. “We’ll go that way with the wind. You lead and I’ll follow. Not too fast, though. Too fast is running, not jogging. Ready?”
“Just a minute,” Max objected. “I think, according to the rules, you’re allowed to lock us up again or assassinate us. But jogging is out. That’s an indignity that I insist on being spared. Suppose somebody I know saw me jogging around town at the crack of dawn? It’s all right with me if you want to be known as a nut, Arbuthnot, but I refuse to let you force me to get myself into the same situation. The answer is no. An unqualified no.”
Arbuthnot shrugged. “Well, I always jog at this time in the morning,” he said, “and I have no intention of disrupting my routine. So,” he said, raising his pistol, “I guess I’ll just have to assassinate you.”
“I’ll jog,” Max decided.
“That-a-way!” Arbuthnot said, pointing downwind.
Max and 99 jogged down the steps from the porch, then jogged up the street, with Arbuthnot a few steps behind them.
“Right at the bank,” Arbuthnot ordered. “Then left at the jail, right again at the bakery, another right at the blacksmith’s shop, left at the cafe, left, right, left at the watering trough, general store and saloon, then right again at the stable. Got that?”
“I don’t think so,” Max replied, continuing to jog. “Maybe you better come up here and lead and we’ll go back there and hold the gun.”
“Don’t get smart, Smart!”
Max and 99 turned right at the bank, then a few minutes later, took a left at the jail.
Keeping his voice low, Max said, “I think I know how to get out of this, 99. If we play it right, we can lose Arbuthnot. Remember the instructions he gave us? Well, where he told us to jog, instead, we’ll jag.”
“I don’t think I quite understand that, Max.”
“When we get to the bakery, where he told us to turn right, we’ll turn left, instead,” Max explained. “Then left at the blacksmith’s shop, and right at the cafe, right, left, right at the watering trough, general store and saloon, then-”