“I think you mean ‘Crime doesn’t-’ ” Max began. Then he interrupted himself, and, after a second of looking thoughtful, he said, “I guess, in this case, at least, you’re probably right.”
Arbuthnot gestured toward the doorway. “Out!” he commanded.
“Back to the jail, eh?” Max said.
“Not this time,” Arbuthnot replied. “I have a surprise for you. Out the door, then turn right toward the bank.”
Max and 99 marched out of the saloon, followed by Arbuthnot. When they reached the porch, they headed for the bank. The other assassins joined Arbuthnot, tagging after them.
“I’m sorry, 99,” Max said. “All this could have been avoided if I hadn’t done that stomping.”
“In the final analysis, it wasn’t the stomping that led me to you,” Arbuthnot told Max.
“Oh?”
“No. When the stomping started the second time, I sent my man out again. But just as he got outside, the stomping stopped-the way it had the first time.”
“That was when I decided there wasn’t a secret panel in the floor,” Max said.
“Anyway, my man cane back,” Arbuthnot went on. “He didn’t know where the stomping sound was coming from. I didn’t want to be interrupted again, though. So, my men and I left the bank and began an investigation, hoping to learn where the stomping sounds were coming from.”
“That’s logical enough,” Max said. “But what was it that ultimately led you to us.”
“I’d rather not say,” Arbuthnot replied.
“Ah, come on.”
“You won’t believe it.”
“Sure, I will. Promise. Cross my heart and etc., etc.”
“Well. . we followed what appeared to be drunken jack rabbit tracks,” Arbuthnot said sheepishly.
8
“Inside,” Arbuthnot said, when they reached the bank.
“If you think you can buy us off-”
“Inside!” Arbuthnot repeated, prodding Max with the gun this time.
Max and 99 stepped through the entrance into the bank. One of the KAOS agents drew out a spray bottle and disinfected the doorway. Then Arbuthnot and all the KAOS assassins followed Max and 99 into the bank.
“If you think you can buy us off-” Max began once more.
“Back to the vault!” Arbuthnot ordered, waving the pistol.
Max led the way toward the rear of the bank. “A vault!” he whispered to 99. “Arbuthnot must have millions with him if he has to keep it in something as big as a vault. Maybe we ought to give bribery some second thoughts, 99. I mean, what’s so terrible about accepting a little gift of money in return for doing an enemy a favor?”
“Max! It’s dishonest!”
“No more dishonest than taking a company stamp to mail a letter, 99,” he whispered. “If I do that, why shouldn’t I accept a few million dollars from Arbuthnot as a bribe? We could look at it as a six-cent stamp.”
“Max, I’m not sure-”
“Halt!” Arbuthnot commanded. He pointed to the door of the vault, which was closed. “There you are. . that’s for you,” he said to Max.
“Sorry,” Max replied. “According to my wife, we cannot be bribed.” He stepped a few paces closer to Arbuthnot and lowered his voice. “However-”
“Bribed?” Arbuthnot said. “I have no intention of trying to bribe you. And-” He stepped back, looking bothered, “-don’t get so close! I don’t want your germs. I could get your Control germs and pass them on to other KAOS agents and start another epidemic as terrible as the bubonic plague.” He issued an order to the KAOS agent with the spray bottle. “Get him!” he said, indicating Max.
The KAOS agent stepped forward and sprayed Max thoroughly.
“That was very exhilerating,” Max said, waving away the mist of disinfectant. “But it didn’t help your cause any,” he said to Arbuthnot. “Before, you had a teensy-weensy chance of bribing me. You lost that chance, however, with that crack about Control and the bubonic plague.”
“What gave you the idea I would try to bribe you?” Arbuthnot asked.
“That’s a vault, isn’t it?” Max said, pointing. “And it’s a vault in a bank, isn’t it? I just put two and two together, that’s all. I have a very logical mind.”
“Well. . you’re right-it is a vault, and it is in a bank,” Arbuthnot said. “But I wasn’t thinking about bribery. I had in mind a gift.”
Max brightened. “ A gift?”
“I think we owe you something,” Arbuthnot said. “You’ve been quite entertaining. And cheap.”
Max frowned. “I don’t think I quite understand that.”
“There’s an old saying,” Arbuthnot said. “It goes: All work and no play makes a KAOS assassin a little edgy before he has his morning coffee. That could have happened here. After all, this was a working meeting. And there are no night clubs and no movie houses in this ghost town. And all you can get on television are ghosts. So, we all could have become quite nudgy.”
“Yes, I can see-”
“Thanks to you, however, we’re all in good spirits,” Arbuthnot said. He smiled. “See? I smiled. That proves that we’re in good spirits.” He turned to the other assassins. “Smile!” he ordered.
They smiled.
“Thanks to you-as you can see-we are all smiling,” Arbuthnot said, facing Max again.
“I can see that,” Max nodded, looking perplexed. “But how did I manage it?”
“You entertained us,” Arbuthnot replied. “Your stupid, bumbling, idiotic attempts to overcome us were hilarious. We laughed our heads off.” He turned to the other assassins again. “Show him how we laughed our heads off,” he commanded.
The assassins doubled over with uncontrollable laughter.
“Cut!” Arbuthnot ordered.
The laughter immediately ceased.
“You see how we laughed our heads off,” Arbuthnot said to Max. “You’ve been just what we needed to get our minds off our work after a long session of concentrated study. You’re a great clown, Smart-the perfect fool.”
“Perfect, yes,” Max replied, mildly hurt. “Fool, no. This case isn’t exactly closed yet, Arbuthnot. Before it’s over, you may lose your heads from something besides laughing.”
“Oh? You don’t want the gift, then?”
“Well. .” Max looked toward the vault. “We all like to be appreciated, even if it’s for the wrong reason.”
“Good, good,” Arbuthnot smiled. “And I suppose you will want to share the gift with your fellow agent-your partner and wife.”
“Yes,” Max answered. “I think I ought to correct you on one point, however,” he said. “She is my partner and wife. But she is not my fellow agent. I’d look pretty silly married to a fellow, wouldn’t I?”
“Of course,” Arbuthnot replied. “On the other hand, though, you look silly married to a woman, too. Who you are married to has nothing to do with it, however. The problem arises because of the fact that, married or single, you are silly-looking.”
“Could we skip the rest of the build-up and get on to the gift-giving,” Max said.
“Of course,” Arbuthnot replied. “Mr. and Mrs. Smart. . Agents 86 and 99. . it is my pleasure to present to you this bank vault. It will be your new home. And you will live in it as long as you live.”
“Oh, Max!” 99 cried. “He’s going to lock us in the vault!”
“Now, don’t panic, 99. He didn’t say that. Not exactly.” Max turned to Arbuthnot. “Could you kind of. . What I mean is, I don’t-”
“I’m going to lock you in the vault,” Arbuthnot explained.
“I was afraid of that. And you call that a gift? What kind of a gift is that?”
“A gift assassination,” Arbuthnot replied. “It’s what we do best.”
“Oh.” Max smiled thinly. “Oh. . well, I suppose. . yes, I can see the thought behind it. . In a way, I guess, it’s kind of sweet. . in a sort of diabolical sort of way. . I wonder if it would do any good to yell HELP in this ghost town, way out here miles from civilization?”
“The cry wouldn’t even get past the door of the vault,” Arbuthnot informed him.
“Then we won’t waste time on that,” Max said. “We can go directly to the last resort-a screaming, kicking tantrum.”