“Max, maybe you better not.”
“Don’t stop me when I’m winning, 99. One-two-three-go!”
A second passed, then the thud was heard once more.
“Max?”
“If at first you don’t succeed, so forth and so forth and so forth, 99. Just stay back out of the way. One-two-three-Go!”
Thud!
“One. . uh, two. . three-Go!”
Thud!
“One. . one and a half. . two. . two and a half. . two and three quarters. . three-go.”
Thud.
“Max?”
“99. . I’d rather not discuss it. I’m broken in body and spirit.”
“You just need a rest, Max. Take time out, then try it again.”
“Yes. . I’ll just lean against the back of the-”
There was a crash. Light suddenly flooded into the vault. Blinking, 99 saw Max lying outside on the floor, on top of the rear wall.
“Max. . what happened?” she asked, baffled.
“When I leaned against the back wall of the vault, 99, it fell out. The whole vault, apparently, is about to crumble.”
“Except for the hinges,” 99 said.
“Except for the hinges,” Max nodded, rising. He looked around. “Well, there are no KAOS assassins hanging around. So, I guess we can get back to the saloon and look for that Coolidge-head penny.” He headed for the door. “Come on, 99. Let’s get over to the saloon and find that penny before this seminar ends and all those KAOS assassins get away.”
“Right behind you, Max!”
Max reached the door-and abruptly halted. 99 crashed into him.
“Max!”
“Back, 99!” he said. He retreated, then peeked out the doorway. “Talk about terrible luck!” he said. “Look! All the KAOS assassins are trooping into the saloon!”
“Yes!” 99 groaned. “I wonder why they’re going in there?”
“Arbuthnot is probably going to instruct them on How to Cheat at Poker While Assassinating the Bartender,” Max said.
“That’s the last of the assassins-they’re all inside the saloon,” 99 said. “What shall we do now, Max?”
“Somehow, we have to get them out of there, so we can search for the secret panel that leads to the secret passageway that leads to the wine cellar, where we can begin looking for the Coolidge-head penny.”
“Max. . have you noticed how complicated this is getting?”
“I don’t know why that surprises you, 99. It was bound to get more and more complicated. I’m surprised, frankly, that it isn’t more complicated than it is.”
“Why is that, Max?”
“Well, you know what they say. The best things are the simple things. So, the worst things must be the complicated things. And what could be worse than this?”
“I see what you mean, Max.”
“Let’s sneak up on the saloon and listen at one of the windows,” Max said. “Maybe we’ll hear something that will give us an idea how we can get those assassins out of there.” Cautiously, he moved out the door. “Quiet, 99,” he warned. “Don’t make a sound.” He halted. “And, Madame DuBarry, if you’re with us, that goes for you, too.”
“Hee-Haw!” a familiar voice responded.
“Shhhhhhhhh!”
Silently, Max, 99, and possibly the mule, slipped out of the bank and crossed the dusty street to the saloon. When they reached a window, Max and 99 bent low, keeping out of sight, and listened. Madame DuBarry, if he was present, had no need to bend down.
Arbuthnot was telling the other assassins how pleased he was with the way they had responded to instruction.
“I’ll be honest with you,” he said. “When I first took a look at you, I said to myself, ‘What a bunch of dumbheads!’ But I was wrong. Each one of you is an individual. You’re not a ‘bunch’ to me any more. You’re all dumb in your own stupid personal way.”
“The typical farewell address,” Max said, bored. “We’re not going to learn anything here, 99.”
“Shhhhh-just listen, Max.”
“But, dumb as you are, with me as your professor, you had to learn something,” Arbuthnot went on. “I venture to say that from now on you’ll all think twice before you pick up a weapon to go out to assassinate somebody. You’ll remember what I told you about germs. The phrase ‘kill, kill, kill’ will now have an added meaning. Before you assassinate the victim, you’ll assassinate those dirty germs! And you’ll all be better assassins for it-not to mention your victims, who will die the right way-by knife, gun or poison-instead of by accident from getting your dirty, filthy old germs!”
“Well, maybe not completely typical,” Max said. “But, even so, 99, we’re not learning anything that can help us. Let’s get out of here before we’re spotted.”
“All right, Max.”
They crept away and returned to the bank.
“Did you think of anything, Max?” 99 asked. “How are we going to get them out of the saloon?”
“I’m sorry, 99, but I wasn’t thinking about that at all,” Max replied. “The truth is, my mind was wandering. That always happens to me when I listen to speeches. I was listening to Franklin D. Roosevelt in December, 1941, when he announced that the Japanese had attacked Pearl Harbor, but I didn’t find out about it until January, 1942, at a New Year’s Eve party. While he was announcing Pearl Harbor, I was thinking about maraschino cherries. I was calculating exactly how long it would take a maraschino cherry weighing one ounce to sink one inch into a mound of whipped cream six inches high if the whipped cream had a stable consistency of- Well, anyway, you probably get the idea.”
“Max, what were you thinking about while you were supposed to be listening to Arbuthnot’s farewell speech?”
“I was thinking that probably the reason why we didn’t find that secret panel that led to the secret passageway that led to the wine cellar that the Coolidge-head penny dropped into was because there isn’t any secret panel that leads to a secret passageway that leads to- Well, anyway, you probably get the idea.”
“But, Max, we saw the cellar. And we saw the Coolidge-head penny. At least, you said we saw them.”
“We did see the penny, 99,” Max nodded. “But I was mistaken about the cellar, I think. I think what we really saw was the lost gold mine.”
“Max, I don’t understand.”
“99, where is a mine?”
“Where is-a yours? Max, I don’t even-a know-a where-a mine is, let-a alone-a yours.”
“You’re very good on dialect, 99. But what I meant was, where are mines usually located?”
“Oh. Underground, Max.”
“Right. So, what was it we saw when we looked down that crack in the floor? We saw the mine tunnel. That explains why we couldn’t find the secret panel that led to the secret passageway that led to the wine cellar. No secret panel, no secret passageway, and no wine cellar. Only a mine tunnel. And that’s where the Coolidge-head penny is.”
“Then we ought to be searching the mine!”
“Right again, 99.”
“Of course!” 99 said. “Why didn’t we think of that before!”
“I don’t know about you, 99,” Max replied, leading the way from the bank, “but the reason I didn’t think of it was because Arbuthnot hadn’t got around to giving his farewell speech yet.”
9
Max and 99 started up the dusty street toward the mine. But after they had gone a few steps, Max halted. “We’re making the same mistake we made last time,” he said to 99, pointing to the tracks they were leaving in the dust. “When Arbuthnot and those other assassins came out of the saloon, they’ll see our tracks and follow us up to the mine.”
“I don’t see how we can help but leave tracks, Max,” 99 said. “There’s dust all around.”
“Only on the ground,” Max said. “Not inside the buildings, and not on the roofs.”
“Well. . I suppose not, but-”
“Just follow me,” Max said.
With 99 right behind him, Max entered the bakery. He ducked down and crawled into the old open fireplace, then, with excruciating slowness, he made his way up to the inside of the chimney. When he reached the roof he reached down and gave 99 a hand, helping her out.