“Aha! A brainwashed computer will become President-and you’ll have control of the computer. That’s very clever. It might even work.”
“How can it fail?” Means asked.
“Well, she’s a computer, yes. But she’s also a woman, you know. It’s one thing to put a woman in the White House, but it’s another to get her to do what you want after you get her there. As a very wise man once said: you’d be a fool to depend on it.”
“She’s a machine,” Ways scoffed. “A machine will-”
Number One, who had been clicking contentedly, suddenly began clattering.
“I think you hurt her feelings,” Max said to Wayne Ways.
“That’s-”
Number One unreeled a tape.
Means tore it off, then read:
What havoc here is being wreaked?
A gear of mine is being squeaked.
What language here is being spoken?
Was that a circuit I heard broken?
What explanation will explain
This feeling I feel that feels like pain?
Do I need a change of erl?
Or am I being a silly girl?
Put it on if fits the glove!
Whee! Hurrah! I am in love!
“I hope you got that, Hymie,” Max said. “It’s probably something in code.”
Hymie shook his head. “It’s poetry,” he said. “She always gets that way when she’s in love.”
“Oh, poetry, eh? And very nice, too,” Max said. He spoke to Ways. “See what I mean,” he said. “You’re liable to have yourself a President who delivers the State of the Union message in verse. And who knows what else she might do?”
“Get them out of here!” Ways said to the guards. “Something’s gone wrong. We must work on the machine.”
The guards hustled Max and Hymie out of the laboratory through one of the side doors, then locked them in a cell. One of the guards remained, and the others departed.
“We won’t need you-if you have something important you’d like to attend to,” Max said to the guard.
“I’m your guard-I have to stay here and guard,” the guard replied.
Max motioned to Hymie and they withdrew to a corner of the cell. “Did you hear that?” he said, lowering his voice. “That guard is guarding us.”
“I heard,” Hymie replied.
“I just don’t want you to say, later, that I’m keeping things from you,” Max said. “I always tell my leader everything. A leader without all the facts is like a fisherman without a worm.”
“I understand, Max. Thanks.”
“Unless, of course, the fisherman happened to bring along some bread crusts,” Max said. “If fish are very hungry, they’ll sometimes bite on bread crusts.”
“I know, Max.”
“Bread crusts aren’t much help to a leader without the facts, though,” Max said. “Try figuring out what step to take next when all you’ve got is a handful of dry bread.”
“Max. . I understand.”
“Unless it’s the leader’s day off and he’s gone fishing,” Max said. “In that case, the fact he needs is whether or not the fish are hungry enough to bite on bread crusts. But if he had the bread crusts, he wouldn’t need the facts. All he’d have to do-”
“Max! I know! I know!”
“Hymie,” Max scolded, “if you’re going to be a leader, you’ll have to learn to control your temper. Your followers won’t respect you if you blow up like that over nothing. A leader is always cool, calm and collected. Remember that.”
“I will, Max.”
“All right, now-where was I? Oh, yes-I’d just congratulated you.”
“Max. . somehow, I think I must have missed that part,” Hymie said.
“You’re not paying attention, Hymie. I congratulated you for saving the day-temporarily, at least.”
“I did?” Hymie said, puzzled. “What did I do, Max?”
“Do? You didn’t do anything. But, fortunately, that was enough. Just being there was all that was required. You threw a monkey wrench into Means’ and Ways’ plan. They’ve lost control over Number One. And it’s all because you were there.”
“Max, I didn’t do a thing,” Hymie said.
“You didn’t have to. All you had to do was walk into that laboratory. The instant Number One saw you, the flame was rekindled, Hymie. You heard that poetry, didn’t you? Number One is in love!”
“Not with me, Max,” Hymie said. “The last time I saw Number One, she told me to take a walk.”
“She meant she wanted you to take her for a walk, Hymie. A lovers stroll-haven’t you ever heard of that?”
“That’s not what she meant, Max. She told me where to go.”
“Oh? Where did she tell you to walk to, Hymie?”
“Off the end of a pier.”
“Well, in the meantime, she’s thought it over, and she’s sorry. She realizes now what a catch you are, Hymie. You’re dependable. And, besides, you’ve gone up in the world. You’re in charge of a case. That makes you an executive. Face it, Hymie-she loves you.”
“Max, it’s very hard to believe. She said some pretty nasty things to me.”
“But, you told me yourself that she’s fickle. Now, she’s just fickling the other way.”
“I know it sounds-”
Wayne Ways and Melvin Means had suddenly appeared at the cell door.
“What’d you do to that computer!” Ways said angrily, shaking a fist at Max.
“Still acting up, is she?” Max smiled.
“Poetry! That’s all we can get out of her!” Means said. “Want to hear the latest? It goes:
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways:
One, Two, Three, Four,
Five, Six, Seven-
“Sounds like a computer, all right,” Max nodded. “But if you think you’re going to get me to do anything about it, you’re like a fisherman without a worm.”
“We’ll torture you!” Ways threatened.
“A fat lot of good that will do,” Max said smugly. “The reason Number One is acting up is because she’s in love with Hymie. They were once steadies, you know. Unfortunately, there was a little misunderstanding, and they broke up. Hymie was hurt, of course. He thought she was just using him as a convenience until Mr. Right came along. And Number One thought Hymie ought to be the one to apologize, even though she’d started the whole thing by telling him to go jump off a pier. But then, today, when they saw each other again, they realized what a great mistake the parting had been.”
“Thanks,” Means said. “That’s what we wanted to know-what was causing all that love poetry. Now that we know, we can cure it. We’ll just feed her anti-love information. Before long, she’ll hate everybody-even her ex-robotfriend.”
Ways and Means departed.
“Well, Hymie,” Max said disgustedly, “you booted it again.”
“What did I do, Max?”
“You had a clear responsibility to shut me up, Hymie, and you muffed it. How you got to be an executive, I’ll never know.”
Again, Max motioned to Hymie, and they withdrew to a corner of the cell.
“We have to get out of here,” Max said, whispering. “Now-how do we do it?”
“I don’t know, Max.”
“Hymie, I figured out the problem. It’s your duty, as the leader, to come up with the solution. Do I have to do it all myself?”
“Do you have a suggestion, Max?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. First, I think we ought to overpower the guard.”
“But we’ll still be locked in the cell, Max.”
“Mmmmmm. . you’re right. All right, first, we have to escape from the cell. . then, we have to overpower the guard. How’s that?”
“Fine, Max. How do we escape?”
“Wouldn’t you like to do the thinking from here on out, Hymie? It’s your turn, you know.”
“It’s too bad we didn’t pick up some escape devices from Research and Development before we left,” Hymie said.
“Yes. Good old R amp; D is always- Wait a minute! I may have some left over from my last case,” Max said, digging a hand into his pocket. He brought out a small metal spoon.
“What’s that?” Hymie asked.
“It’s a small metal spoon,” Max replied.
“I mean what is it really?”
“Really, it’s a small metal spoon,” Max replied. “I don’t know what it’s doing in my pocket-it belongs in my sandbox.”