“Well. . we’ve reported in,” Max said. “I suppose there’s no point to hanging around any longer. Shall we go, 99?”
“Max. . something is bothering the Chief. Don’t you even want to know what it is?”
“99, since the Chief is not concerned about me, I see no reason why I should be concerned about him.”
“I don’t understand, Max. Why do you think the Chief isn’t concerned about you?”
“He had HIM on the phone, 99. It was the perfect opportunity. And not one word about trading stamps.”
“Max,” the Chief said, “I didn’t think it was appropriate. HIM is quite worried. We have a major crisis on our hands.”
“Naturally,” Max said glumly. “It just so happens that I have a reservation on a flight to Hawaii that leaves in one hour. In addition, I have engaged a little grass shack on the beach at Waikiki for two weeks. Considering all that, it is hardly surprising that we suddenly have a major crisis on our hands. But I am not interested in hearing about it, Chief.”
“I didn’t intend to tell you about it, Max,” the Chief said. “It’s Classified.”
“Good! I’m glad it’s Classified. I’m glad you had no intention of telling me-” Max interrupted himself, looking hurt. “Chief, I’m authorized to hear Classified secrets,” he said.
“Max, you better go. You’ll miss your flight.”
“You’ll tell Hymie the Classified secret, though, I’ll bet,” Max grumbled. “The minute I step out the door, you’ll be whispering in his ear.”
“If it’s going to upset you that much, Max, I’ll tell you what HIM told me. I just didn’t want you to go off on your vacation feeling guilty.”
“Guilty, Chief?”
“It concerns Number One, Max.”
“Why should I feel guilty about that?” Max asked, puzzled.
“Well. . you took over the case when Hymie was brainwashed. So, in the official record, it’s listed as your- Well, to be brutally frank, Max-it’ll be listed as your failure.”
“My failure! Chief, I brought her back!”
“Forget it, Max. Go on your vacation.”
“Hang my vacation!” Max said. He grasped the Chief by the lapels. “What is it, Chief?”
“Max, if you’ll let me go. .”
“Tell me! Tell me!”
“Max, it isn’t your fault. It’s just that Number One is still grinding out love poetry. And, in that condition, she’s of no use to us anymore. But, don’t blame yourself.”
Max released the Chief’s lapels. “Why should I blame myself?” he asked.
“You shouldn’t.”
“Then why did you say I shouldn’t?” Max asked. “If you really thought I shouldn’t, you wouldn’t even have mentioned it.”
“All right, Max. If it’ll make you feel better, pretend I didn’t say it.”
Max thought for a moment. “It isn’t my fault,” he decided. “No matter what anybody says, it isn’t my fault. All I did was rescue her and bring her back. That was a good thing to do. It wasn’t a bad thing. So why should I feel guilty? I shouldn’t. I have no reason in this world to feel guilty.” He sighed deeply. “Tell me, Chief-how can I make it up to her?”
“Make what up to her, Max?”
“Whatever it was that I did that makes me feel so guilty.”
“Max, there isn’t anything you can do,” the Chief replied. “Apparently there’s nothing anybody can do. Our scientists have been working over her ever since you brought her back, but they haven’t accomplished a thing. She’s still as lovesick as before.”
“Can’t they kind of work around the problem, Chief?”
“Not very easily,” the Chief replied. “Just to test her, they asked her to design a new air defense system. And she advised them to ring the country with butterfly nets.”
“I don’t get the connection,” Max said.
“That’s because you’re not a female,” 99 said. “I understand it, Max. Butterflies are sort of romantic. When you were young and you went on a picnic out into the country with your best girl, didn’t you notice the butterflies?”
“I guess I did, now that you mention it,” Max replied. “Only, in those days, we called them ants.”
“Oh, Max! You’re not a bit romantic!”
“Chief, maybe it would help if we took Hymie over to her,” Max said. “I still think she has a crush on him.”
“Ways and Means tried that, Max-remember?” Hymie said. “It didn’t work. She didn’t pay any attention to me. She just went right on turning out that garbage.”
“Let’s give it one more try, anyway,” Max said. “What’ve we got to lose?”
“Well. .” the Chief said. He turned to Hymie. “If you have no objections. .” he said.
Hymie shrugged. “What choice do I have?” he replied. “I’m only a machine.”
The Chief, Max, 99 and Hymie got into Max’s car and drove to the installation where Number One was being treated. As they approached Number One’s quarters, they were met by a scientist in a white coat.
“How’s the patient?” the Chief asked.
“No change,” the scientist replied glumly. “Right now, she’s working on the forty-ninth stanza of an ode in celebration of blind dates.”
“She is sick!” 99 said.
“Have you tried a diet of fruit juices?” Max asked.
“Something like that-considering the fact that she’s a machine,” the scientist replied. “She’s getting nothing but lemon oil.”
“How about an aspirin?” Max asked.
“Thanks-I think I will,” the scientist replied. “This case has given me a splitting headache.”
Max dug into his pocket and handed the scientist a tablet. “This may ease it,” he said. “Then, on the other hand, it may cure it permanently. Lots of luck.”
“We came over,” the Chief explained to the scientist, “because we think we may have the solution to the problem. As you know, Hymie and Number One were once steadies. We thought-”
“But that’s all over,” the scientist broke in.
“How can you be so positive about that?” Max asked. “Maybe Number One isn’t finished with Hymie at all. Maybe she’s just being coy. Maybe she just wants him to be the first to apologize.”
“Apologize for what, Max?” 99 asked.
“Don’t ask me,” Max replied. “I wasn’t even there. Ask Hymie.”
99 turned to Hymie. “Apologize for what?” she asked.
“I didn’t do a thing,” Hymie replied.
“There you are-that’s it,” Max said. “She wanted you to do something, Hymie, and you didn’t. No wonder she’s angry. Now, go in there and apologize.”
“For what, Max?”
“For nothing.”
Hymie shrugged. “Well, if you think it’ll help. .”
Followed by the scientist, Hymie entered Number One’s quarters. A moment later, there was a clanging, a hissing, a rattling, and a banging. Then Hymie came rushing out, with the scientist right behind him.
“Wow!” Max said. “I saw her when you opened the door. She’s really steamed up about something, isn’t she? Was it something Hymie didn’t apologize for?”
“He didn’t get a chance,” the scientist reported. “The instant she set eyes on him, she went into a tantrum.”
“That’s love for you,” Max said.
“Max, face it-it isn’t Hymie who’s the object of Number One’s affections,” 99 said. “We’ll probably never know who it really is. It might be some face that passed in the night.”
“She’s a lost cause, I’m afraid,” the scientist sighed.
“That’s very tragic,” Max said sadly. He looked at his watch. “However, I have a reservation on a flight to good old Wicky-Wacky-Woo. So, if you’ll excuse me. .”
“I suppose we might as well all go,” the Chief said. “There’s nothing more we can do here.”
99 addressed the scientist. “What will happen to her?” she asked.
“In time, we’ll have to scrap her,” he replied.
Tears came to 99’s eyes.
“99. . do you mind?” Max said. “I don’t want to be late for my flight.”
“All right, Max.”
They returned to the car, then headed back toward Headquarters, where Max would drop the Chief, 99 and Hymie before driving on to the airport. But when they had gone no more than a block, a call came on Max’s radio for the Chief. The scientist was asking them all to return.