“That’s a ver-ry good idea, 99,” Max replied. He addressed the Chief. “Why didn’t you think of that, Chief? Does it make sense to keep 99 and Hymie and me sitting around your office, waiting for some second-rate assignment, when the fate of the entire civilized world is threatened? I hate to say it, Chief, but sometimes you give the impression that you’re just not too well organized.”
The Chief uncovered his face and wiped tears from his cheeks. “May I give you your instructions now, Max?” he asked pleadingly.
“If you’ve finally got yourself organized. . yes, go ahead,” Max replied.
The Chief turned to Hymie. “I want you to be in charge of this case,” he said. “The information-”
“Now. . just. . wait. . a. . minute!” Max broke in. “What do you mean, Hymie will be in charge of the case? I happen to be the senior agent, Chief. According to our union contract, the senior agent is always in charge! Besides. . Hymie is a machine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are machines. But a machine takes orders, it doesn’t give orders. Everybody knows that.”
“Tell us again, Max, how it is that you’re wearing golf knickers,” the Chief said.
“Because my computer told me- Let me put it another way, Chief. As I pointed out before, my union contract guarantees me that I will be the agent-in-charge when I have seniority. And if I don’t get what’s coming to me, I’ll pull every Control agent within the sound of my voice out on strike!”
“Max!” the Chief protested. “This is a national emergency! Where is your patriotism?”
“On my back!” Max replied smuggly. “Who else in this room is wearing a red, white and blue pullover?”
“But, Max, I’m only taking orders,” the Chief said. ‘The instructions to put Hymie in charge came straight from the top. It was a direct order from HIM!”
Max’s eyes opened wide. “From HIM?”
“Uncle HIM,” Hymie corrected.
“Well. . if it came from HIM,” Max grumbled. “What HIM wants, HIM gets, I suppose. But I don’t understand his reasoning.”
“He explained that to me,” the Chief said. “It’s his notion that it takes a machine to catch a machine.”
“That’s an old wives’ tale,” Max muttered.
“There’s one other reason,” the Chief said. “It seems that Hymie and Number One used to date.”
Max turned to Hymie. “Is that true?” he asked.
The robot nodded. “We were a ‘thing’ for a while,” he replied. “I’m surprised you didn’t know about it, Max. It was in all the engineering journal gossip columns.”
“Be that as it may,” the Chief said, “orders are orders, and if HIM wants Hymie to be in charge, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sorry, Max.”
Max shrugged. “To me, it’s irrelevant,” he said. “I’m no prima donna. I can take orders just as well as I can give orders. Success is my only concern. As long as the Good Guys win and the Bad Guys lose, I’m satisfied. Let it never be said that Max Smart is a crybaby or a spoilsport.”
“That’s a wonderful attitude, Max,” the Chief said.
Max turned his back to him.
“Max. .”
“99,” Max said, “will you please tell the Chief I’m no longer speaking to him.”
“Oh, Max, don’t be that way,” 99 begged. “It isn’t the Chief’s fault that Hymie is in charge.”
“He didn’t have to accept HIM’s order,” Max said. “He could have told HIM he’d rather resign than hurt my feelings.”
“I tried that, Max,” the Chief said. “But HIM told me that if I resigned he’d give my job to Hymie. So, I wouldn’t have gained anything, would I?”
Max faced him again. “Anyway, it was a good try, Chief,” he said. “And I forgive you. Now. . what are the instructions?”
“I have to give the instructions to Hymie, Max, not you.”
“Couldn’t you give them to me and I could pass them on? You know how busy Hymie is. He has a lot of responsibility, being in charge of an important case like this.”
The Chief shook his head.
“Well, then. . is it all right if I listen when you give Hymie the instructions?”
“Of course, Max.”
Max addressed Hymie. “Pay attention,” he said, “I have something I want the Chief to tell you.”
“Hymie,” the Chief said, “here are your instructions: find Number One and bring her back.”
“Understood,” Hymie replied.
“Hymie will need a little more than that, Chief,” Max said. “How, for instance, will he identify Number One?”
“Hymie knows,” the Chief replied. “He used to date her-remember?”
“But how will I know?” Max asked. “I’ve never even been introduced to the girl!”
“You’ll have to get that information from the agent-in-charge, Max.”
“I will not!” He turned to 99. “You ask him,” he said.
“Hymie, can you describe Number One for us, please,” she asked.
The robot responded with a shrill wolf whistle.
“To you, maybe, but not to me,” Max said. “Be a little more specific. Is she round? Square? What color are her flashing fights? Protruding knobs? How will we know her when we see her?”
“She’s a flirt, for one thing,” Hymie replied.
“Maybe I can help, Max,” the Chief said. “I know, for one thing, that she’s square.”
“Not according to Hymie,” Max said. “The way he describes her, she’s a swinger.”
“Square,” the Chief insisted, “and about the size of a large refrigerator.”
“She sounds charming,” Max said.
“It’s all put-on,” Hymie said. “At heart, she’s as cold as ice.”
“I’m beginning to get the picture,” Max nodded. “It will be easy to identify her. All we’ll have to do is open her door. If her light goes on-that’s her!”
“The only information I have on the kidnaping, Hymie,” the Chief said, “is that she was taken away in a truck. It isn’t much, but, at least, it’s better than nothing. It’s your case from here on out. So. . hop to it.”
Hymie hippity-hopped toward the door.
“What baffles me is what a nice girl like Number One ever saw in him,” Max said, shaking his head woefully.
2
From Control Headquarters, Hymie, Max and 99 drove toward the secret installation where Number One had been kept before she was computer-napped.
“Let’s see. . I think it’s down this way. .” Max said, turning the wrong way into a one-way street.
“It’s the other way,” Hymie said.
“You may be in charge of this case, but I’m in charge of this car-at least, while I’m driving it,” Max said testily. “And I say it’s this way!”
99 pointed to a dead end. “Max, the street stops up ahead.”
“Well. .” Max said gruffly, “they’ve probably changed the neighborhood since I was here last.” He turned the car around and drove in the other direction. “I don’t know why they don’t put up signs,” he groused. “How is anybody supposed to find a secret installation when they keep its whereabouts a secret!”
“That’s it,” Hymie pointed. “That little locksmith shop with the sign on the door saying, ‘Out to Latch.’ ”
Max parked the car, then he and Hymie and 99 entered the shop. They were met by the director of the secret installation.
“Isn’t this a little dangerous, leaving your door open like that?” Max said. “It’s no wonder Number One was stolen.”
“Our lock is broken,” the director explained. “And we can’t find a locksmith to fix it. They’re all so busy. The soonest appointment we could get was for six months from now.”
“Appointment?” 99 asked.
“You have to take the lock to them, these days,” the director replied. “They don’t make house calls.”
“Just show us where Number One was kept when she was abducted, will you, please?” Max said.
“Max. .” Hymie complained. “I’m supposed to say that.”
“Oh. . yes, sorry.”
“Are you in charge of this case, Hymie?” the director said. “I’m not surprised. I always say, ‘It takes a machine to catch a machine.’ Well, I don’t have to show you to Number One’s quarters-you’ve spent enough time with her. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to work. We have the design for the new model personal computer on the drawing board. Without Number One around, we have to do our own thinking.”