At that moment, they were dumped into the funnel. The funnel was filled with a sticky liquid that was slowly being fed into another vat. As Hymie, who was first in line, was squeezed through the narrow end of the funnel, he got a hold on the rim of the second vat, pulled himself up to a walkway, then caught and rescued 99 and Max as they were extruded.
“That was close,” Max said. “Look, my arms are stuck to my side.”
His arms suddenly came unstuck and flew out. The left arm hit 99 and the right arm hit Hymie. They tumbled backwards off the walkway and landed on another conveyor belt.
“I’m coming-don’t yell!” Max called, leaping onto the belt.
“Up ahead!” 99 cried, as Max landed. “We’re being fed into the nut chopper!”
“Too bad old Means isn’t here to see this,” Max commented.
Hymie, still first in line, was drawn into the chopper. Fortunately, Hymie was made of the finest steel. The blades of the chopper hit him-and shattered. Max and 99 then passed through the chopper mechanism without a scratch.
“Well, that certainly made up for all those other bloopers you’ve made, Hymie,” Max said. “I think we’ve discovered where your true talent lies. You aren’t cut out to be a leader, you were born to be fed into nut choppers. I just hope you’ll remember your place from now-”
“Max! What’s that!” 99 cried.
Max peered carefully at the machine into which the conveyor belt was carrying them. “I’m not an expert on candy-making machinery, 99,” he said. “But, offhand, I’d say that’s a-”
One after the other, Hymie, 99 and Max disappeared into the machine. A moment later they emerged, dumped one on top of the other into a large basket. They were neatly sealed in Fudgy-Nut wrappers.
“-packaging machine,” Max said, completing his statement.
“Max! Where are you? It’s dark in here! I can’t see a thing!”
“Unfold yourself at the end!” Max called back.
There was a jangling sound.
“Your shoe is ringing!” 99 said.
“I’ll bet that’s the first time anybody ever said that to a Fudgy-Nut Bar,” Max commented, breaking out of his wrapper.
99 and Hymie had also freed themselves.
“Max. . your phone,” 99 said.
Max removed his shoe and spoke into the sole.
Max: I’m chewy and I’m crunchy and if you buy me and take me home I’ll please your sweet tooth-who am I?
Operator: You’re Max Smart and you’re loaded.
Chief: Max? For heaven’s sake, is that you? What’s all that prattle about a sweet tooth?
Operator: He’s been hitting the dandelion wine again, Chief.
Max: That’s not so, Chief. The fact is, if you could see me now, you’d swear I was a dead ringer for a Fudgy-Nut Bar. See what happens when you put Hymie in charge? Not only did he let Means and Ways get away with Number One, but he very nearly got himself and 99 and me displayed on candy counters all over America.
Chief: Max, what are you talking about? What Ways and Means?
Max: Means and Ways, Chief. They’re two little dumpy KAOS agents who wear derby hats and operate a candy factory at a very nice profit-up seventeen per cent last year.
Chief: I see. And this Ways and Means, as I understand it, they got away from you?
Max: Means and Ways, Chief. The way you say it-Ways and Means-it sounds funny. Yes, thanks to our fearless but stupid leader, they got away. And it’s my guess that they took Number One with them. We’ll probably never find her now. You might mention that to HIM the next time you’re talking to him.
Chief: Max, let me talk to Hymie.
Max: Hymie who, Chief?
Chief: You know who I mean, Max. Put him on!
Max: Chief, I have a suggestion. Wouldn’t it be better to put me in charge of the case? I could send Hymie back to headquarters and you could talk to him personally. A lot of misunderstandings result from poor communications, Chief. There might be static on the line, and Hymie might not understand what you were telling him.
Chief: Max!
Max handed his shoe to Hymie. “This may be a party line,” he said. “Don’t say anything you wouldn’t want your nearest and dearest friend to overhear.”
Hymie took over the phone, and, at the Chief’s insistence, began explaining what had gone wrong-and why.
“That’s the trouble with machines,” Max grumbled to 99. “Ask a straight question and you get a straight answer.”
“He took an oath to tell the Chief the truth, Max,” 99 said.
“I took that same oath, 99. But I had sense enough to cross my fingers when I took it. See? There’s further proof of the superiority of the human. A machine doesn’t think far enough ahead to cross its fingers when it’s taking an oath.”
Hymie handed the shoe back to Max. “He wants to talk to you again,” he said.
Max: This is a recorded announcement: Your party has been called away on business. If you would care to leave a message, please begin recording at the sound of the beep.
Operator: It’s him! It’s him, Chief! That recorded announcement is as phony as a ten-cent circuit-breaker!
Max: It takes one to know one!
Chief: Max! Stop it! All I want to say is that I understand why you feel so badly about Hymie being in charge of the case. I can put myself in your shoes. I know how I’d feel if HIM put you in charge of Control. I’d kill myself. But, Max, we must follow orders. So, please. . please, Max. . try not to do any thinking for yourself. Let Hymie make the decisions. All right?
(Silence)
Chief: Max! Are you there? Max, when I said I’d kill myself, I didn’t mean-
Max: Don’t get excited, Chief. I was just thinking.
Chief: Max, I told you to stop that.
Max: Oh. . not about the case exactly, Chief. I was just wondering. . when I said I was chewy and crunchy, didn’t that even give you a faint idea who I was?
(Silence)
Max: Chief? Chief? Are you there?
(Silence)
Max: Chief? Operator? Somebody?
(Silence)
Max put his shoe back on.
“What happened, Max?” 99 asked.
“The telephone workers must have suddenly gone on strike,” Max said. “We were cut off.”
4
Max, 99 and Hymie went to their respective apartments, got out of the sticky chocolate into some dry clothes, and then, after rendezvousing at Max’s, returned to the candy factory to look for some clue that might allow them to pick up the trail of Ways, Means and Number One.
“I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that Number One is still here in the candy factory,” Max said, speaking to 99, but making sure he could be overheard by Hymie. “But, if Hymie, our beloved brother agent, who is in charge of the case, wants me to look for evidence that she’s been taken away, then that’s what I’ll do. Mine is not to reason why, mine is but to do or die. Discipline is very important in secret agent work. Somebody has to be in charge, and somebody has to be the leader, and all the rest have to be the followers. It isn’t important that the followers might have more experience and-”
“Max. . please,” 99 said wearily.
“Am I running it into the ground, 99?”
“Yes, Max.”
“Well, it’s good to get resentments out of your system, you know, 99. If I kept it inside me, all bottled up, I might, in time, become a bitter old man.”
“Max, if I have to listen to much more, I suspect that, sooner than that, I’m going to become a bitter old woman.”