Andie clutched his cardigan, trying hard not to cry. “Dennis, are you suffering?”
Oh, no. In fact, in many ways it’s wonderful. Andie, there really are ghosts!
Annoyance replaced pity. “Yes, Dennis, we talked about that.”
Something moved out of the corner of her eye, and Andie turned, but there was nothing there.
But now I know. It’s amazing.
“What’s it like? Tell me it’s not awful.”
There’s no feeling at all. Well, no physical feeling. There are emotions, of course.
“Emotions,” Andie said. “Are you sad?”
No. In fact, I’m rather jubilant. There are ghosts, they’re real!
“I don’t see that as the upside here.”
Yes, but I didn’t believe you. I couldn’t talk to them. And now…
“You can?” Andie held his sweater closer. “Can you tell them to go away?”
They can’t.
Andie felt a chill to her left, a draft, probably, but she turned that way, just in case.
They’re tied to something in the house. They have to stay here.
“Okay, how do we evict them? A séance?”
Another one? It’s getting pretty crowded here on this side already, I don’t think you want to take out another civilian.
“Four of you now.”
Yes, and some of us aren’t quite top drawer.
“How upsetting for you.” She waited a minute and then said, “Dennis? Did one of them kill you?”
I think so.
“Which one?”
I don’t know. I was sitting on the couch talking to May-she’s lovely, Andie-and then she left, and all of a sudden this thing rose up out of the carpet like a dark, screaming cloud, and I died.
“It scared you to death?”
I wouldn’t think so. But I’m dead, so it’s a reasonable hypothesis.
Andie looked at the carpet. “It’s just a carpet, Dennis.”
Well, something came out of it and here we are.
She got down on her hands and knees to see what she could find-ectoplasm in the broadloom?-and when she got up, her hands were dirty, covered in a fine, dark dust. “What’s this stuff?”
I don’t know. I’d wash it off. It might be deadly.
“I think it’s just dirt.” She dusted her hand off. “Okay, we have to get rid of the ghosts. It was probably Peter who killed you. You weren’t threatening Alice in any way so Miss J wouldn’t go after you, and May was sitting with you, right?”
It’s a moot point now. It’s not like we can bring them to justice. I think the best course is for us all to leave.
“Yes, that had occurred to all of us, too.” Andie tried to pull her thoughts together and a new wrinkle popped up. “Wait a minute. I can hear you but I can’t see you. Oh, hell, Dennis, you’re a crisis apparition!”
I wish all my students paid attention the way you do, Andie. That’s very astute.
“But that means this is it.” Andie looked around wildly for him. “You’re going to… go toward the light or something. I mean, that’s good, you should do that, but we don’t have much time.”
Well, the light is definitely here. Annoying, too. It’s really a blessing I don’t need sleep now, because that light would make it impossible.
“So what have you come to tell me?” Andie said. “I mean, the message you have to deliver before you go. Was it to leave the house? Because I’m on it.”
I’m not going. I’m not leaving you and May to deal with those mad discarnate entities.
“That’s sweet, Dennis. But really-”
May has a beautiful soul. You should see it.
“I’ve seen it. It’s been in me. Not that beautiful.”
No, no, she has a voluptuous soul.
“Dennis, are you leering?”
The ghostly laughter ended in asthmatic coughing, which was a comfort.
“You okay there?”
Yes. You’d think now that I don’t have lungs-
“Dennis, if you’re a crisis apparition, we don’t have time for this. If you have any advice on how to get rid of those things, now’s the time to share.”
Well, of course, they’d be weaker if everybody would just stay calm.
“Crumb and Kelly and her cameraman are gone.”
That’s a help, Dennis said.
“Who are you talking to?” North said, and Andie turned to see him in the doorway.
“Get in here and shut the door,” Andie said, standing up. “We have a new… wrinkle.”
North came in and shut the door. “I don’t want a wrinkle.”
Andie turned back to where she thought Dennis was. “Can he hear you?”
I don’t know, Dennis said. You’re the only one who’s heard me so far. Besides May, of course. She has a-
“Voluptuous soul, I know.” Andie looked at North. “Did you hear that?”
“Voluptuous soul?” North said, looking confused.
“Okay, here’s the short version. Dennis is here. I think he’s a crisis apparition, which means he can’t stay long and shouldn’t stay long because he’s got to go toward the light-”
I really think that’s an option.
“-because we don’t want him to miss the bus to Paradise. But he’s staying because he’s worried about the ghosts and because he’s attracted to May-”
I wouldn’t say “attracted.” We have mutual interests.
“-and so he’s dragging his feet,” Andie finished. She turned back in the direction of Dennis. “Maybe you could take the rest of the ghosts with you. Get them a seat on the bus, too-”
I’m not going.
“Dennis, this is the afterlife we’re talking about here.”
Yes, and it’s my afterlife. I’m staying here. I’d like to go to Cincinnati and give that fraud Boston Ulrich the scare of his life, but I can’t seem to leave-
“Andie?” North said, concern in his voice.
Andie turned back to him. “I swear to God, he’s here, North. I am not crazy, Dennis is here.”
“Well, this is where he died,” North said reasonably. “On the other hand, I would remind you that you’re grieving and he’s dead.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell him,” Andie said, exasperated. “Go toward the light. But now that he’s dating May-”
Andie!
“Andie, I know you liked Dennis a lot, but he’s dead.”
You told him you liked me a lot?
“Not now, Dennis. He’s here, North. I don’t care whether you believe me or not, he’s here. What are you doing?”
He sat down next to her on the couch and put his arm around her. “I was thinking-”
If you’re going to neck, you should probably do it somewhere else, Dennis said. I can’t seem to leave this couch.
“The couch?” Andie said. “You’re tied to the couch?”
North looked around. “Who’s tied to the couch?”
“Dennis,” Andie said to him, exasperated.
I can’t seem to move away from it, Dennis said. I’m hoping that’s temporary. I don’t want to be a supernatural couch potato. Heh heh heh. He coughed then, asthmatic wheezing from beyond the grave, and Andie gave up.
“I have to take the kids lunch,” she said, standing up. “If I don’t see you again, it was a pleasure knowing you.”
“Andie, Dennis is dead,” North said, gently but firmly.