I had hardly started when my phone rang and I hoped it might be Mrs. Folsby. No such luck. I recognized that whiny voice at once.
"Archy?" he said.
"Chauncey," I said, "how are you?"
"All right," he said. "I guess."
"I understand congratulations are in order."
"What? Oh, you mean me and Theodosia. Well, sure, thanks."
"You must be a very happy man."
"Uh, not completely. Archy, I have a problem. I'd like to talk to you about it. Get your input."
"CW," I said, "if it's legal input you require, I suggest you consult my father. I'm just a rank amateur."
"Well, uh, it's not really legal input," he whined. "At least not at this stage. It's more friendly input I need."
By this time the input madness was sending me right up the wall. But I was determined not to be the first to surrender. "Well, I can provide that," I told the Chinless Wonder. "I presume you're speaking of personal input."
"That's right," he said eagerly. "Intimate input."
"Confidential input?"
"Correct! Top secret input."
Then I knew I was never going to win the Great Input War. "Chauncey," I said, sighing, "what exactly is it you want?"
"Can you come over to my office?"
"At the bank? Now?"
He had the decency to say, "Please."
"You wouldn't care to chat over lunch? At Bice perhaps?"
"Oh no," he said hastily. "No, no, no. Someone might overhear. My office would be best."
"Better than my garage," I said, alluding to our previous meeting. "Very well, CW, I'll come at once."
"Thank you," he said, and the whine had an overtone of piteousness.
I walked to his bank, only a short distance on Royal Palm Way. The building was definitely not Florida. It looked like a Vermont relic of the 1920s: heavy granite exterior, towering pillars, a marbled, high-ceilinged interior, brass-barred cages for the tellers. And a funereal silence. Even the antiquated clients spoke in whispers.
And the private office of Vice-president Chauncey Wilson Smythe-Hersforth was more of the same. It was huge, oak desk unlittered, furnishings in grave good taste. No file cabinets, no computer terminals, no indication that any business at all was conducted in that somber chamber. And it probably wasn't. CW's sinecure was due to mommy's wealth being invested with the private banking division. If she ever pulled her bucks, the Chinless Wonder might find himself flipping burgers at McDonalds.
"What's this all about?" I asked after he got me planted in a leather wing chair alongside his desk.
Before he replied he made certain his door was firmly closed and locked. Then he returned to the calfskin throne behind his desk.
"It's confidential, Archy," he said portentously. "I trust that's understood."
I looked at him. I was about to make an impudent remark, but then I saw the poor dolt was truly disturbed. As he had cause to be, having been cuckolded before he was married. And I was the lad who had put the horns on him. Levity on my part would have been rather pitiless, wouldn't you say?
"Of course," I said solemnly. "What seems to be the problem?"
He drew a deep breath. "Well, uh, Theo Johnson has agreed to marry me. I first asked her father for permission, of course."
"Of course," I said, wondering if he had fallen to one knee while making his proposal to Madam X.
"And mother has given her conditional approval to our union," he added.
Yes, he actually said "our union."
"Then things seem to be going swimmingly," I commented.
"Uh, not quite," he said, not looking at me. "Theo wants me to sign a paper."
I must admit the lower mandible dropped a bit. "Oh?" I said. "What kind of a paper, CW?"
"A sort of a contract," he confessed, fiddling with a letter opener on his desk.
"Are you talking about a prenuptial agreement?" I asked. "A contract that spells out the property rights of both spouses-and their children, if any-in the event of separation, divorce, or death?"
"I guess that's what it is," he said miserably.
"Uh-huh," I said. "And how much is the lady asking?"
He looked up at the ceiling-anywhere but at me. "Five million," he said.
I am proud to say I did not whistle or emit any other rude noise. "Rather hefty," I observed.
"Oh, it's not the sum that bothers me," he said. "Because, of course, Theo and I would never separate or divorce, and we're both in good health. In any event, I'd leave her well-provided for in case I should die. No, the money isn't an issue. The problem is that if I inform mother of this-what did you call it?"
"Prenuptial agreement."
"Yes. Well, uh, if I tell mom about it, she might change her mind about Theo. You understand? In fact, she might become so furious that she'd rewrite her will. And then where would I be?"
"You're her only child, are you not? And the closest family member. I doubt very much if she could disinherit you completely."
"Maybe not," he said worriedly, "but she could cut me down to the bare minimum, couldn't she? And then would I have enough to promise Theo the five million she wants?"
"Ah," I said, "you do have a problem. I presume your mother has been introduced to your fiancee."
"Yes, they've met. Once."
"And how did they get along?"
"Well, uh, they didn't exactly become instant pals."
I nodded, recalling my mother's reaction to Madam X.
Maybe the matrons saw something neither Chauncey nor I recognized. Or perhaps it was merely maternal possessiveness. ("No one's good enough for my boy!")
"What is it you'd like me to do, CW?"
He stroked his bushy mustache with a knuckle. "I don't know," he admitted. "But everyone says you're so clever. I thought maybe you could give me a tip on how to handle this situation in a clever way."
"I'd like to help you," I told him. "But I can't come up with an instant solution this moment. Let me think about it awhile."
"Well, all right," he said grudgingly. "But not too long, Archy. I mean I don't want Theo to think I'm stalling her. You know?"
"Of course," I said, rising. "It's obvious you're very intent on marrying this woman."
"Oh God, yes!" he said with more fervor than I had believed him capable of. "I must have her!"
"Quite understandable," I said. "But meanwhile, CW, do not sign any paper, agreement, or contract. Is that clear?"
"If you say so."
"I do say so. Sign nothing!"
We shook hands and exchanged wan smiles. He unlocked his door, and I departed. I ambled back to the McNally Building suffused with a warm feeling of schadenfreude. But that, I admitted, was unkind and unworthy of the McNally Code of Honor, the main principle of which is never to kick a man when he's down. Unless, of course, he deserves it.
When I returned to my own office, which, after an hour spent in Chauncey's cathedral, had all the ambience of a paint locker, the first thing I did was phone Mrs. Jane Folsby again. This time she came on the line.
"Oh, Mr. McNally," she said, "I'm so glad you called. I know you've heard about Marcia Hawkin."
"I have," I said. "Sorrowful."
"Terrible," she said with some vehemence. "Just terrible. She had her faults as we all do, but she didn't deserve to die like that. It wasn't suicide, was it?"
"I really don't know the details," I said cautiously.
"I know it wasn't," she said decisively. "And I have my suspicions. That's what I want to talk to you about."