Basically, my point is not that you listen to people to learn anything interesting. You’re doing it to be nice and make them like you, because everyone likes to talk.
But this theory did not apply to Rachel, somehow. I would go to her house determined to get her to do the talking, and then I’d show up and pretty soon I would be talking more than someone who was on crystal meth.
INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM — DAY
The second or third time that GREG has gone over to RACHEL’S. Both are sitting cross-legged on the floor.
GREG
So. What TV do you like watching?
RACHEL
Whatever’s on, I guess.
GREG
unnerved by the calm blankness of this response
So, like. Nature shows? Reality shows? Just, everything’s fair game?
RACHEL
Yeah, pretty much.
GREG
Not the Food Network though.
Rachel shrugs.
GREG
Here’s my thing with the Food Network: OK, half the time the food looks gross, or weird. It’s covered in weird sauce that looks like semen, or it’s squid in a goat hoof or something. But then, the other half of the time, if it’s something good, and people eat it, and they’re like, Mmmmm, this is delicious—that’s even worse! Because you don’t get to eat it. You’re just watching these people eat something delicious, and you don’t even get to know what it tastes like, and you want to kill yourself. But most of the time the food doesn’t look that good.
RACHEL
diplomatically
Some people think it looks good.
GREG
OK, but then here’s the other thing: It’s always a food competition. Food isn’t a sport. It’s ridiculous for cooks to be competing against each other. Like in Iron Chef, it always takes place in Kitchen Stadium. Kitchen Stadium? That’s ridiculous. And at the end it’s always like, You have competed honorably. How is it possible to be dishonorable? You were making a stew.
RACHEL
giggling
Hmmmm.
GREG
I mean, if the Food Network can turn food into a sport, why draw the line there? You know? “Iron Plumber, tonight at Toilet Arena.” Or, or, no wait. Wait, forget that one. “Live, from Toilet Center: Super Poopers.”
Four hours later. Greg and Rachel are in EXACTLY THE SAME POSITION.
GREG
. . . I guess my point is just that, it’s weird that we have animals living in our homes. It’s just weird.
RACHEL
I should probably go eat dinner.
GREG
alarmed
Wait, what time is it?
RACHEL
It’s around eight.
GREG
Holy fuck.
In her quiet way, Rachel was actually being sort of brilliant.
1. Rachel was using my own tactics against me. Props to her. This is some high-concept judo behavior. She orchestrated our conversations so that I did the talking and she did the listening. Sure enough, this made me like spending time with her. I told you this tactic is awesome. Also, she kicked ass at listening. I mean, in her position, I would have gotten really bored or annoyed. Super Poopers, Greg? Christ.
2. Rachel was not suggesting that we had to make out or get married. Even though I had told her that I had been deeply in love with her, she was not trying to make up for lost time. This probably would have caused me to freak out and maybe fake having a serious mental disorder, which is a tactic that I have considered from time to time to get out of situations. If I ever got jumped in the locker room by jocks, for example. On TV, jocks like to harass kids with mental disorders, but in real life, I’ve observed that everyone pretty much just wants to stay away from them. Anyway, I was worried this would become necessary with Rachel, but thank God it did not.
3. By getting me to talk so much, Rachel was eventually going to get me to divulge sensitive information that would ultimately lead to my downfall. Am I giving too much away? Maybe I’m giving too much away.
INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM — DAY
GREG’S third or fourth time at RACHEL’S. Greg has noticed that one of the pictures of HUGH JACKMAN is sort of wall-eyed, and one of the EYES is following him around the room. Rachel has just stopped talking.
GREG
distracted
What?
RACHEL
I wasn’t really saying anything important.
GREG
Sorry, Hugh Jackman’s creepy right eye is following me around your room.
RACHEL
He’s not creepy!
GREG
What were we talking about?
RACHEL
Hebrew school.
GREG
Right. What a waste.
RACHEL
You think?
GREG
I learned nothing. Seriously, I can’t tell you anything about Jews. I am a Jew, and I still deserve an F in Jewishness.
RACHEL
I think it’s “Judaism.”
GREG
See, that’s what I’m talking about. I don’t even know what to call it. And I definitely don’t know what Jews believe. Like, do Jews believe in heaven? Are we supposed to believe in that?
RACHEL
I don’t know.
GREG
Yeah. Is there Jewish heaven? What happens when Jews die? You know?
HUGH JACKMAN is glaring at Greg.
GREG
Oh shit.
RACHEL
What?
GREG
hastily
Uh, nothing. Sorry, I’m an idiot.
RACHEL
For what?
GREG
Uh.
about as stupidly as it is possible to say words
The death thing.
RACHEL
Greg. I’m not dying.
GREG
lying
Yeah, I know.
RACHEL
narrowing eyes
I’m sick, but everyone gets sick. Just because you’re sick doesn’t mean you’re going to die.
GREG
falsely
Yeah yeah yeah yeah, no, yeah.
RACHEL
You think I’m about to die.
GREG
just lying his ass off
No! No-o-o-o-o.
RACHEL
warily
Huh.
INT. RACHEL’S BEDROOM — DAY
GREG’S fourth or fifth time at RACHEL’S. Greg is on the bed with his back to HUGH JACKMAN, although that means he has to face DANIEL CRAIG in a Speedo with a big goofy smile on his face.
DANIEL CRAIG
You can see the outline of my genitals! Isn’t this great?
RACHEL
giggling
That’s not what Daniel Craig even sounds like.
GREG
I have to warm up. I’m not in Accent Mode.
RACHEL
That sounded like a cowboy accent.
GREG
Yeah, I was using the wrong part of my mouth. Accents are all about using certain parts of your mouth. That’s why foreign people’s faces are sometimes kind of jacked up. Like how Daniel Craig has those weird pouty lips like a woman.
RACHEL
He does not.
GREG
Look at him! Look how he’s sticking his lips out. Actually he sort of looks like a frog.
launching into autopilot because Rachel is remaining silent/expectant