I just know a lot about accents, even if I can’t do them. I’ve studied them. I mean I’ve seen a lot of films. A cool thing about accents actually is the way they change from like eighty years ago to forty years ago to now, if you watch movies that are older. People’s mouths were just shaped differently back then, I think.
Sometimes I want to walk around doing an American accent from the 1950s, because that in some ways is the weirdest accent there is. You really freak people out that way. When people hear it, they don’t think, 1950s; they think, that guy sounds all weird and rigid and conservative, like an asshole robot, and they don’t know why.
I mean, I had to watch a bunch of films from back then before I realized that people just talked differently.
RACHEL
So you’re really like a movie expert.
GREG
I’m not an expert. I’ve just seen a whole lot of them.
RACHEL
What’s your favorite movie?
INT. THE GAINES TV ROOM — TWO HOURS LATER
On the screen: KLAUS KINSKI. On the couch: RACHEL and GREG. On Greg’s lap: a bowl containing leftover BEEF TIPS that he found in the fridge.
GREG
See how the camera’s moving around, sort of jittery, like it’s handheld? OK. Do you sort of get how it makes the film feel less like fiction and more like it really happened? You know what I mean?
RACHEL
Yeah, I think so.
GREG
It’s awesome, right? It feels that way because it feels a little like a documentary. Because that’s the camerawork that you have in a documentary, lots of handheld, no huge smooth crane shots like in big action movies.
RACHEL
It feels a little like reality TV.
GREG
Yeah! That too. Well, except the lighting in reality TV is always really unnatural, and here, they really can’t bring a lot of artificial lights into the jungle. Actually, they might not have anything besides reflectors.
RACHEL
What are reflectors?
GREG
gnawing beef
Mmmrflectors urmmff . . . hang on, this scene is awesome.
RACHEL
You should try making some movies.
MOM
from doorway
He does! He just doesn’t let anyone see them.
GREG
MOM WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING
MOM
Oh honey. Did you not offer Rachel anything to eat?
GREG
JESUS MOM
RACHEL
I’m not hungry!
GREG
infuriated
Mom. Jesus Christ. You can’t just spy on us from the doorway. And you def
MOM
I was just walking past and I heard Rach
GREG
initely can’t just tell people about, um,
RACHEL
It’s
MOM
Greg, you’re being a little silly abou
GREG
s stuff that you know is really priv
AGUIRRE
When I wish for the birds to fall from the trees, then shall the birds fall from the trees.
MOM
ou work so hard on these movies with Earl and then y
RACHEL
It’s OK, I don’t need to see them.
GREG
See? Did you hear that?
MOM
just keep them to yourselves like you don’t wan
GREG
Did you—Mom. Did you hear what Rachel said.
MOM
She’s just being nice. Greg, you have some juice on your chin.
GREG
Will you please just get out of here.
MOM exits, smiling wryly, like she just did something clever and wasn’t in fact a HORRIBLE MOTHER. Meanwhile, Greg is back to eating beef tips, because when he is stressed out he eats compulsively.
RACHEL
Here, let’s rewind it. I think we missed an important part.
GREG
Yeah, it’s like the best part.
RACHEL
after a lengthy silence
If your movies are secret, I won’t tell anyone. You can trust me.
GREG
frustrated
It’s not that they’re secret, it’s just that they’re not good enough for people to see. Once we do a really good one, we’ll let people see it.
RACHEL
That makes sense.
GREG
What?
RACHEL
I understand.
GREG
Oh.
They look into each other’s eyes.
If this were a touching romantic story, in this moment some STRANGE NEW FEELING would wash over Greg—a sense of being understood, in a basic way that he almost never is understood. Then, Greg and Rachel would make out like lovesick badgers.
However, this is not a touching romantic story. There is no NEW FEELING that washes over Greg. There is no BADGER MAKE-OUT SESSION.
Instead, Greg sort of shifts uncomfortably and breaks eye contact.
RACHEL
Can I get you a napkin or something?
GREG
No no I’ll get it.
The first film Earl and I remade was Aguirre, the Wrath of God. Obviously. It couldn’t have been any other one. We were eleven, and we had seen it approximately thirty times, to the point where we had memorized all of the subtitles and even some of the dialogue in German. We sometimes repeated it in class, when the teacher asked us questions. Earl especially did this a lot, if he didn’t know the answer.
INT. MRS. WOZNIEWSKI’S FIFTH GRADE CLASS — DAY
MRS. WOZNIEWSKI
Earl, can you name some layers of the earth?
EARL’s eyes bug out. He breathes hard through his nose.
MRS. WOZNIEWSKI
Let’s start with the one on the inside. What’s another word for—
EARL
Ich bin der große Verräter. [subtitle: I am the great traitor.]
MRS. WOZNIEWSKI
Hmmm.
EARL
Die Erde über die ich gehe sieht mich und bebt. [subtitle: The earth I walk upon sees me and trembles.]
MRS. WOZNIEWSKI
Earl, do you want to tell us what that means?
EARL
glowering at classmates
grrrrrhh
MRS. WOZNIEWSKI
Earl.
EARL
standing up, pointing to MRS. WOZNIEWSKI, addressing class
Der Mann ist einen Kopf größer als ich. DAS KANN SICH ÄNDERN. [subtitle: That man is a head taller than me. THAT CAN CHANGE.]
MRS. WOZNIEWSKI
Earl, please go sit in the hall.
And then one day Dad bought a video camera and some editing software for his computer. It was to videotape his lectures or something. We didn’t know the specifics; we knew only that the specifics were boring. We knew also that this technology had come into our lives for a reason: We had to re-create every single shot in Aguirre, the Wrath of God.
We figured it would take about an afternoon. Instead, it took three months, and when I say “it,” I mean, “re-creating the first ten minutes and then giving up.” Like Werner Herzog in the South American jungle, we faced almost unimaginable setbacks and difficulties. We kept taping over our own footage, or not hitting record, or running out of camera battery. We didn’t really know how the lighting or sound was supposed to work. Some of the cast members—mostly Gretchen—proved incapable of delivering their lines properly, or staying in character, or not picking their nose. Also, we usually had a cast of just three people, or two if someone needed to hold the camera. The location we used was Frick Park, and joggers and dog walkers kept entering the shot, and then they would make things even worse by trying to start a conversation.