I try to pull away, needing a little space, but he holds me tighter. That’s when I realize I don’t need the space after all. I need him.
“Needless to say, I denied it. Also needless to say, Billy played it up. How he just felt bad for the fat girl and he didn’t mean for me to fall in love with him. That he gets it—how a girl like me would want to think there could be something between us, but I’m not his type. How I’m such a nice girl, but he likes his girls with a little less meat on their bones. Everyone loved that one.”
I shake my head. “The more I denied it, the more they seemed to think it was real. He kept telling me I didn’t have to be in denial. They all saw the letter, crap like that. It was so embarrassing, Tegan. I hated him, but I hated me too.”
“No.” He pulls away so we can look at each other. “You have nothing to hate yourself about. That’s bullshit, Annabel Lee. He’s the jerk. There’s nothing wrong
with you.”
“There’s the part of me that knows it, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
More tears are coming. Tegan pulls me against him and I cry into his chest. It feels good leaning on him. Having him here for me. Trusting him in a way I’ve
never done with anyone. When all the tears are gone, he tilts my head up and places a soft kiss to my lips.
“First of all, Billy would be honored to have you love him. I have to admit, I’m pretty stoked you don’t. Makes me luckier because you’re mine.”
This time I really do smile.
“Second, I’m sorry that happened to you. High school sucks. It won’t be like that in college. Only three more semesters for you and you’ll be done.”
Another kiss.
“And third, I’m totally going to kick Billy’s ass if I ever see him.”
I know he’s only saying that to make me feel better, and it works. I do.
“I guess it’s my turn now…you know, the whole opening up thing…”
There’s something about his voice, I can tell he doesn’t want to. That he’s not ready yet, so I try to lighten the moment the way he always does for me. “Or… we
can just make-out instead. Unless—”
My words are cut off by his lips. I’m guessing he’d rather make-out.
Chapter Seventeen
BUSTED
It’s been two weeks since my little confession to Tegan and I haven’t regretted it once. I feel like I’ve cleared the air and I’m one step closer to becoming the person who doesn’t need to run. Who would have told Pammie where she could stuff it when she brought my weight into it.
The cool part? It has nothing to do with the twelve freaking pounds I’ve lost since the beginning of the summer. Yep, that’s right, twelve. There’s a part of me
who wishes I could have dropped more, who feels like I’m losing weight slower than a grandma drives, but from everything I’ve read, that’s the way to do it. That’s what Tegan says. If you drop it too quickly, you’ll gain it back, I’m building lean muscle. Yada, yada. I’m not going to lie, I kind of tune out some of that stuff. I’m trying to focus on the part of me that realizes I’ve lost twelve freaking pounds and that’s pretty kick butt if you ask me.
Eighteen more and I’ll be at my target. One thirty-five. A number I haven’t seen for years. One that Mom would probably hire a trainer if she ever hit, but for me, it’s perfect.
I’m leaning against a pole while Tegan’s doing his round of biceps. We rotate now, him and me, working out together. It’s like a partnership and I love it. The
view isn’t so bad either.
“What are you smiling at over there?” He lets go of the bar.
“You.”
“Because I’m so hot?”
“Because you’re not a grunter.”
One of Tegan’s eyebrows rises. “Aw, you’re so sweet. Wait till I tell the guys my girl doesn’t think I’m a grunter.”
I snap him with my towel. “Shut up. I mean, some of the guys in here are all loud and grunt when they lift. I think they do it so people look at them, which I don’t understand, but I’d wondered about you. If you’d be a grunter and now I know you’re not.”
He shakes his head. “You’re so weird, but I still love you.”
Defibrillator anyone? Jumper cables? I’ll go for anything to help jump start my heart right now. Does he mean love me, love me or is it just one of those passing comment things? Passing comment. It has to be, but all of a sudden, it’s really hot in here. I’m feeling a little dizzy like I have a bad case of heat stroke. What if he means it? Does he really love me? I mean, we’re young. He starts college in September and though it’s local and I plan to be there in a year, would it be smart to go falling in love right now?
“Breathe, Annabel Lee.” Tegan stand ups, snickering and then leans close to my ear. Will he say it again? Am I supposed to say it back? Gah, Holy heart attack in the making. Closer he comes and my nerves are seizing.
“Come on. We still have abs to do and then I have to clock in.”
Did I mention I really want to know if he really loves me? Because I’m kind of scared that I’m more than halfway in love with him.
***
I spoon steamed vegetables onto my plate, cut the piece of chicken in half because it’s huge and I don’t need that much anymore, and add a small amount of red
potatoes. It’s a healthy meal, none of it fried or anything, not that Mom’s ever been big on frying, but I know just by eating less, I’m doing something good for myself.
The part that rocks even more is that I’m full after this amount of food. I don’t understand why I ever thought I needed more than this.
Mom’s late to the table, coming in after my and Dad’s plates are made. Surprisingly, there’s no phone with her. Instead she’s looking at Dad and he’s looking
back at her and I know something’s up.
“What’s wrong?” All sorts of thoughts are going through my head. Divorce, sickness. I choose to ignore the fact that I automatically go to worst case scenarios.
“I ran into Emily today.” Mom’s voice is tight, angry.
“What happened? Is she okay?”
It’s Dad who replies. “Pumpkin, she said she hasn’t seen much of you lately. Your mother commented about your staying out with her a couple times and asked
about the movies, but she had no idea what she was talking about.”
Holy crap. Leave it to me to finally get a life and get caught lying about it.
“Of course she tried to cover, but the damage was done. What have you been doing, Annabel?” Mom doesn’t sound nearly as understanding as dad.
“I…”
“Why were you lying? Are you on drugs? You’re leaving the house early every morning, and you look thinner. Are you on something?”
It’s sad that a little part of me does a cheer that she noticed. It’s like a compliment she’s issued even though she’s accusing me of doing drugs to lose weight at the same time. But she’s noticed and it feels better than it should.
“Drugs, Paulette? You can’t be serious.”
“You always defend her! Always try and make me the bad guy.”
I want to plug my ears so I don’t hear their fighting. It’s me. Always about me. “Of course I’m not on drugs!” The only reason I raise my voice is so they’ll hear me.
“Then who are you with? Why have you lied about where you are?” Then, a light bulb goes off in Mom’s eyes and I realize she knows. This shouldn’t bother me,
but it does. They’ll burst mine and Tegan’s bubble. Both him and what I’m doing won’t be mine anymore. It will be theirs to dissect and question me about.
To my surprise, she then shakes her head. “No, it couldn’t be a boy.”
Pain pierces my chest. My eyes sting. Anger and hurt wrestle inside me. My heart jumps when Dad’s hands come down on the table, shaking the glasses.
“You always do this to her. Why can’t it be a boy? Because she’s not you? Because she doesn’t spend three hours with her face in the mirror every day?”