***
The next morning, I pull up at our spot for my jog with Tegan. He’s already there waiting for me, his arms crossed as he leans against his car. One look at him, the way his eyes are looking at the ground and not me, the way his shoulders are slumped over and I know. There’s a huge part of me that wants to put the car in reverse and pull away. If I don’t give him the chance to say it, it won’t be true, right?
But I can’t. I try and gather up any courage I can, the stuff that made me shove Pammie, the strength that helped me fall in love with him and use it to push myself out of the car. “Hi.” We usually say hey, why did I say hi?
“Hi. Sorry about yesterday.” There are too many apologies between us lately. It’s not what we’re about.
“It’s okay.” But it’s not.
“No, it’s not.”
“You’re right. I need to work on that, I guess.” It’s something else for me to add to the list. “My mom already found out. She freaked out. She wants me to break up with you.” Did I really just say that?
Tegan’s eyes close and he lets out a heavy breath. His hands are shoved deep into his pockets. Jean shorts. He’s wearing jean shorts and not basketball shorts. He always runs in basketball shorts.
I fight to keep my feet firmly planted to the ground. “Just say it, Tegan.”
He looks at me, something in his eyes I can’t decipher. Looks like pain, but if it is, why is he doing this? “Maybe she’s right…”
I knew it was coming, maybe even before the past couple days. This is what I expected, right? I never thought it would last. But still, pain pierces through my
chest with such strength I want to fall over. It spreads over me, slowly taking over my body until it’s all I feel. All I know.
“I mean, it’s not you. Not us. I still love you, but…”
“But what?” Please don’t say it. Change your mind. Tell me I’m good enough. Tell me you want me forever. That I was wrong and we can last. That we will.
“I lost my job. I know that’s not your fault. It’s mine, but it’s just one more thing. I need that job for the money. To help Mom and for school. And Timmy. I
missed his appointment. I never would have done that before, but I did. And they got in a wreck and I wasn’t there.”
“What? Oh my God. Are they okay?” Not Tim, not Dana.
“They’re fine. It was minor, but still. I wasn’t there.” He’s pacing and rambling. I’ve never seen him so shook up before. I want to go to him, hug him and make it better, but my feet won’t move.
“Mom was exhausted and I was laughing with you. She almost fell asleep and went off the road. They could have died or been hurt and I was making love to
you. I should have been there. If I had been there, I would have been driving.” He drops to the curb, hands buried in his hair, his knee bouncing up and down. “What would I have done if they got hurt? It’s my job to take care of them, Annabel.”
I’m pulled in so many different directions. I want to run and pretend this didn’t happen. Hug him and tell him we can work it out. Yell at him to open his eyes and realize he’s not a superhero, but I can’t. I can’t make myself do any of it.
“I’m so sorry… I…”
His head jerks up at me. “It’s not your fault, it’s mine. That’s how it started with him too. Missing appointments. Not coming home. I can’t… I just can’t.”
I kneel next to him, needing to be closer. “We can slow down. I know you need time.” Something… anything not to lose him.
Tegan pulls away. And it hurts. I’m usually the one pulling away. He’s always getting closer, always reeling me in, but now he’s the one drifting and I don’t think I can pull him ashore. “You deserve so much better than that, Annabel Lee. I just… I have to. It’s… it’s the right thing to do.” He cups my cheek and I know I’ve lost him. Leaning forward he presses his lips to my forehead too quickly and then he’s to his feet. Walking away.
And then I’m alone. Broken and not good enough still.
Chapter Twenty-Three
155.8
Why is it, it takes weeks, months to lose weight, but then multiple pounds find their way back on in the matter of days? Forget the part that I’ve been eating too much. That all the good eating habits I’ve learned in the past two months, I left in the park with Tegan. Forget that I haven’t gone running. Haven’t gone to the gym, and don’t want to. Still, it’s depressing that the pounds find me so quickly. It’s really not fair. A broken heart, and gaining weight. What else am I going to have to deal with?
Not Mom because she hasn’t tried to talk to me.
Not Tegan because he hasn’t contacted me either. Well, unless you count the “Happy Birthday, Annabel Lee” text I’ve stared at over and over.
Not Dad. He gave up trying to talk to me two days ago, though I’m sure with today being my birthday, I’ll have to face him sometime. I don’t care how pathetic I
am. That I’m in bed on my birthday because my life is such a mess. It is what it is. But still, I miss him. Miss him more than I thought I could miss someone.
A cry seizes me. I haven’t cried since the first day. I don’t know why it’s coming out again, but I let it flow without trying to fight it. It’s the only thing I seem to have control over. Rolling over, my back is to the door as I hug a pillow. Does he miss me too? Did he really love me? How is Timmy, Dana? Does she know?
My cries only pause when I feel the arm that wraps around me, the girl that curls up behind me. It only takes that quick pause for me to know who it is and I start to cry harder. There are no words while I let it out. We don’t need words. But once my tears finally dry, she speaks anyway.
“I was jealous, Bell,” Em whispers. “Jealous you had someone else when I didn’t. Scared you would realize you didn’t need me anymore. I’m a terrible friend and
I’m so sorry.”
“No,” I roll over and face her. “You’re not a terrible friend. People make mistakes. It all started because I wasn’t honest with you.” It feels so good to see her. To have her here. To not feel alone. “I missed you, Em.”
“Me, too. I missed you so much. I don’t want to fight about whose fault it was. I just want to forget it. I want to be best friends again.”
“We never weren’t best friends. We always will be.”
She smiles at me. “I’m sorry you’re hurt. Do you want to talk about it? About him? I never gave you the chance to tell me anything about him and I want to
know.”
For the first time in days, I smile too. The coolest part is I actually feel it as well. I start to talk. I start from the beginning. I tell her about my first day at the gym, how Tegan talked me into staying and about his family. Our awkward first workouts together, how he showed me how to box when I felt bad, hitting him, and my
first weigh in.
She laughs in all the right places. Smiles in all the right places and I’m doing the same. We talk about when I started to fall for him, our first date, first kiss, the jogs in the park, his support, the party, saying I love you, and about being with him. I don’t give her all the details, because they’re ours. Something Tegan and I will always share.
It’s amazing how good it feels to talk about him. How I realize that even though we’re over, what we had was true. You can’t fake that. I still love him and I really believe he loved me too.
“I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet him. Even though he hurt you, he sounds like a good guy.”
“Perfect,” I start to say, but cut myself off. I realize now, he’s not perfect. He was right about that all along and it’s not fair that I ever tried to make him feel that way. No one’s perfect. He has issues just like me. It sucks to come to this realization now. Showing his imperfections in the park that day about killed me, but now it beats more life into me. Tegan’s not perfect. He’s just a guy. A gorgeous, sweet, wonderful, guy, but just a guy all the same.