“You could come to Colorado,” he says, skimming his fingertips along the exposed skin on my back. “I could come visit you. We could find a way to make it work.”
This, this is what I didn’t want to be thinking about tonight. Or…ever, really, if I’m being honest. I could kick myself, because this is the very thing I was worried about happening when I saw him walk out of the screen door on the porch a few days ago. And I’m such an idiot, because how could I not fall for him? How could anything between us be casual? He’s as beautiful inside as he is on the outside, but I just…I can’t. I can’t, and there are no words to explain the fear and the desire that are swirling around in my stomach.
“Callie?” he whispers.
“Can we talk about that later?” I ask, trying so hard to sound like I’m not terrified. I think I’ve failed, because when I look up at Nate, his eyes are cloudy, his brows furrowed. It’s a look that’s so out of place on his handsome face that I have to reach up and smooth the crinkle between his eyebrows with the pad of my thumb. Even though his face relaxes, the rest of him is clearly tense.
He doesn’t ask about visiting again, but his arms loosen their hold on me, and already he’s slipping away.
Better now than later.
GABBY, SHELBY, Jasmine and I stand in Ben’s bedroom, helping Gabby finish packing her honeymoon suitcase. I’ve never been in Ben’s room before, but I have to say that it isn’t nearly as nice as Nate’s. The reason for this is primarily because Ben appears to be a slob.
“This is disgusting,” I say, pointing at a pair of boxers that are hanging off of a globe on his desk. I don’t even want to know about the chain of events that led to that particular item of clothing being flung there. “Is this what your bedroom looks like in your apartment?”
Gabby throws her hairbrush in her luggage and looks up at me like I’ve grown a second head. “It’s like you don’t know me at all,” she teases. “I told him to go ahead and be as sloppy as he wanted to be this week, because once that ring is on his finger he won’t be throwing his dirty laundry everywhere.”
“The ring is already on his finger,” I say quietly.
Gabby looks down at her hand and grins. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
“I put about a hundred condoms in your bag, so you guys are all set there.” Jasmine, the true ambassador for safe sex. “Don’t let him knock you up right away. You guys need some time to just chill and be married. And that corporate ladder is harder to climb when you’ve got an infant hanging off of your arm.”
“Infants don’t hang,” Shelby says, rolling her eyes. “Do you even know anything about babies?”
“No,” Jasmine replies. She looks positively disgusted. “And I plan to keep it that way.”
“Pay attention to that sage advice,” I say, pointing at Jas as I walk over and sit on the top of the suitcase, trying to help condense its contents to the point where one of us will hopefully be able to zip the damn thing.
“Take lots of pictures of the Seine,” Jasmine says. “An obscene amount of pictures.”
Shelby sighs. “They’re going to have better things to do than provide artwork for your ten thousandth living room renovation.”
“Yeah,” I say, finally able to move the zipper along the top side of the bag. “Like buying me a vintage Chanel clutch. Cream or black, please.”
Gabby’s standing in front of the mirror that hangs over Ben’s dresser, wrapping a pretty silk scarf around her neck. She leans forward, running her finger along the bottom of her lip to clean off any stray lipstick, then puckers her lips. It takes her a few seconds to turn to us, and when she does she’s smiling. The tears shining in her eyes threaten to fall.
“It’s the end of an era,” Jasmine says. She has a tendency to be a little dramatic, but I can’t help but agree with her.
Gabby’s married. She’s someone’s wife. She has a husband. It’s surreal to me, even though I’ve had nearly a year to get used to the idea of it.
Jasmine and Shelby hug her, and she turns to me last.
“Congratulations,” I whisper as my arms slide around her. “Gabby Morgan-Wright.”
She squeezes me as she lets out a laugh. It must be weird for her to hear her new name. The three of us follow her out the door, and she takes my hand as we walk down the stairs and into the living room where Ben is waiting for her. I hug him before I walk out the front door and past the waiting crowd of people, down the steps and to the edge of the driveway, just behind the car where Nate is standing. Jack comes out, a suitcase in either hand as he helps the driver load them into the trunk of the town car that’s waiting. The door opens and Ben and Gabby walk out to applause and well wishes, hugging people as they gradually make their way to their ride. When they reach Nate and me, we all exchange hugs one more time before they disappear into the car.
I look around as I wait for them to drive away. Jack’s arm is wrapped around Amy’s shoulder, her head resting against his chest. Jessa’s wrapped in her husband Ryan’s arms, her back pressed against him and her sleeping daughter’s head cradled in the crook of her neck. There’s so much love in this family.
And then there’s Nate and me.
The two of us are standing side by side, but we’re a world apart.
LONG AFTER all the guests have left and the house is quiet, I wander out to the porch and turn the fireplace on to its lowest setting, just to give me a little bit of warmth. I sit down on one of the wicker loveseats and watch the flames flicker and cast dancing shadows across the hearth. Confusion swirls around inside of me, making my stomach ache.
Once again, I have no idea what I’m doing. I left that hotel room a week ago thinking I’d seen the last of Nate. I was okay with that, I honestly was. It was nice to have a few hours of perfection without having to worry about the real world, about anything that was happening outside of that room. Then Fate, cruel bastard that it is, had to bring him back into my life. And now…now I’m not sure if that night is enough for me, knowing he wants more. But the thing is, I don’t know if I’m all wrapped up in Nate or the idea of him. I’m scared of what would happen if I brought him into my very real life, which, let’s face it, doesn’t include a great track record when it comes to love. I don’t think I know how to make it work, at least…not right now. I don’t want to be hurt again, and the instinct for self-preservation overshadows my desire to just…be with him. I want him to be happy. I want him to have what his parents have, what his siblings have: real, deep, unwavering and unquestionable love. I want him to love and be loved by someone who can give him her whole heart without worrying about holding a part of it back for herself, just in case he breaks it.
He deserves so much more than what I can give him.
I’m pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of soft footfalls behind me. I know it’s Nate, even without looking. I can feel his presence; the inexplicable way the atmosphere around me changes when he’s near, the way he makes the air around me feel like it’s buzzing. I turn toward him and my eyes lock with his. We stare at each other for a long moment, and it’s like time just stops.
It takes everything in me to turn away from him, but only seconds later I hear his footsteps drawing near, my pulse quickening with every inch of distance that he closes between us. He steps in front of me, and when I look up I see that his duffel bag is slung over his shoulder. The sight of it makes my heart drop all the way down to my toes.