“What happens when it all goes to shit?” I ask.
Nate closes his eyes for a moment before he brings his hand up and cups my cheek. I lean into it, loving the way his rough palm is so gentle against my skin. I think this is the last time I’m going to feel it.
“Callie,” he sighs. “What happens when it doesn’t?”
I look at him for a long while, not really able to give him an answer. Not the one he wants, anyway. He’s asking for my heart, and it’s not whole enough to give to anyone yet. Maybe it never will be, I don’t know.
“Please stay,” I whisper. It’s pathetic that I’m begging, but I’ve never felt desperation like this. It’s my last night here and I want to be with him, even if we just stand like this all night, with his hand on my cheek as our only connection. I reach up and fiddle with one of the buttons on his shirt, and my forehead comes to rest against Nate’s chest. It’s the strangest sensation, feeling his muscles both tighten and relax at the same time. He brings his other hand up and runs his fingers through my hair.
“I can’t stay,” he says, pressing a kiss against the crown of my head, and I gather fistfuls of his shirt in my hands.
He pulls me close, cradling me against him as he buries his head in my neck. And I don’t know when it happens, but suddenly his lips are on mine, very soft, very gentle. Very final. It’s the sweetest, slowest, most tender kiss anyone’s ever given me. It’s the kind of kiss that makes me feel like my whole world is ending and beginning at the same time. He pulls away quickly, like he has to make himself do it, and he picks up his bag. He walks off the porch, stopping once to turn and look at me. It’s then that I completely lose it, letting out some sad, strangled sound as I bring my hand up to my mouth to muffle my cries. This is it.
This is it.
I know Nate wants to come back and comfort me, but he can’t. He looks like I feeclass="underline" like his heart is breaking.
But he keeps walking.
Alone, into the dark.
Away from me.
I WAKE up to a soft rapping against the door and sit up, having to squint my tired eyes against the too-bright sunlight that’s streaming through the windows.
“Callie?” The muffled voice belongs to Amy. It’s soft and tentative, very motherly. Something about it makes tears well up in my eyes, and I’m surprised I have any tears left considering I cried myself to sleep last night. My entire face feels swollen and hot.
“Yeah?” I say, my voice all deep and raspy.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, thank you. I’m all right.” She’s going to know that’s a lie, but I guess I can’t have everything.
“When you’re ready, come on into the kitchen and I’ll make you something to eat.”
“Okay.”
Despite how awful I feel, I really am hungry, so I shuffle into the bathroom and turn the faucet to as hot as I’ll be able to tolerate. Steam fills the room before long, helping me clear my head. I step beneath the spray and let the water wash the past day away.
Even though I do my best not to think about Nate, the more I try to avoid it, the more my traitor mind conjures up the look on his face when he’d smile at me. The salty sweet taste of his skin, the way his lips felt when they were pressed against mine. The water washes away more tears as they fall, and I wonder how I could’ve ever let him walk away? But…how could I have asked him to stay? Even now I can feel every broken part of me just barely hanging on, and if that’s all I have to offer him, maybe this is all for the best. I worry that I’m going to vacillate over this decision for the rest of my life, long past the time when Nate will have moved on, and long past the time when I should have.
I don’t even bother to dry my hair; at this point I’m too exhausted to care about what I look like. I pin it up in a loose bun and slip on my most comfortable clothes, then I walk out of my bedroom and make my way into the kitchen.
Amy’s sitting at the table, writing in a red leather-bound journal. She looks up at me with a sympathetic expression, then closes her book and walks over to the coffee maker. She pours me a cup and sets it on the table, then she walks over and wraps her arms around me, enveloping me in the kind of hug that only a mother can give. Here come the tears again, only this time I don’t try to stop them.
Amy lets me cry, gently rubbing soothing circles along my back. I just can’t believe the kindness that seems to run in this family. I’ve hurt her son—she must know that I did—and yet here she is, comforting me.
“I’m sorry,” I say, and it comes out like more of a cry than I intended it to.
She leans back a bit, bringing her hands to rest on my upper arms, giving them a gentle squeeze. “Oh, sweetie. What ever for?”
“For Nate.”
Amy looks at me for a long while, her brows pulled together like she doesn’t even know what I’m talking about. But she does know, I’m certain of it.
“He left early because we had a fight.”
She smiles, looking down at the table. “That’s not why he left,” she says. “Without knowing you as well as I know my son, Callie, I’d venture a guess that you’re both prone to rash decisions when it comes to protecting your heart.”
I sit back in the chair, completely stunned. I try to find some words to tell her that she’s wrong, but she’s not. Even I can’t deny that.
“Trust me, Callie. I don’t pair people up, and I’m not a meddling mother. I want my children to find happiness on their own; I’ll never try to force it on them, ever. I don’t believe that you need to be in a relationship to be happy. And if you, Callie, are happy with your life the way it is, then that’s wonderful. But I’ve seen the way that you look at my son, and I’ve seen the way he looks at you. There’s something there, but you both have to want it. Being alone is great, but sharing your life with someone is great, too.”
I swallow down past the painful lump in my throat, willing the words out of my mouth. “I was sharing my life with someone,” I tell her, although I suspect she already knows this. “He turned out to be a person that I shouldn’t have shared my life with.”
She takes a deep breath, smiling as she sighs. “I think we’ve all been there.”
I raise my eyebrows. “You have?” When I look at her and Jack together, it’s difficult to believe that there was ever anyone else for either one of them.
“Absolutely.”
I wrap my hands around the warm coffee cup in front of me, waiting for her to tell me her story.
“I suppose I should give you an anecdote about my past romantic failings, and somehow convince you that Nate’s the most perfect man on the planet, that he’d never hurt you. My son is a good man, Callie. He could make anyone’s life wonderful, but it’s not my job to convince you to love him,” she says, reaching out and taking my hand in hers. “Life offers no guarantees, so I can’t offer them to you either. But when you meet someone you want to share your life with, the guarantees won’t matter to you. You’ll look at that person and know that being with them is worth the risk, and only then will you be willing to take it.”
I nod, leaning forward and taking a sip of coffee, letting the warm liquid soothe my throat.
“You have a plane to catch in a few hours,” she says, smiling. “And I told Gabby that I’d start planning our trip.”
“Your trip to New York,” I say, completely letting go of any notion that she’d still invite me to come along with them.
“Our trip to New York, Callie,” she says patiently, like she absolutely refuses to let me have any angst over it.
“But what about-”
“It’s going to be the three of us. You, me and Gabby. And you’re going to have the time of your life regardless of who you’re dating. Besides, you’re not the kind of woman who lets a man ruin her fun, are you?”