“Now what am I going to do?” Mrs. Markham said. “They won’t send any more money. What am I going to do?”
Sarah looked at her. There were tears on Sarah’s face.
Finally, she said, “You know, Mrs. Markham, I don’t really care.”
She stood up and walked out. I followed her.
57
Rosie had had her walk and her breakfast. I was drinking coffee and painting when Sarah woke up on the couch.
“You still painting that building?” she said.
“South Station,” I said.
“Why do you want to paint buildings and stuff?”
“I like how they look,” I said.
“If I was a painter, I’d want to paint flowers and lakes and stuff. Stuff that looked nice.”
I said, “Um-hmm.”
Sarah sat up. Rosie came over and sniffed her ankle. Sarah patted her.
“I’m on my own,” Sarah said.
I stopped painting. “You are?” I said.
“I don’t have any parents. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m on my own.”
“You have me,” I said.
“I know. But it’s not the same.”
“No,” I said. “It isn’t.”
“My tuition and room and board are paid for the rest of this semester,” Sarah said.
I nodded.
“I’m going back there.”
“To Taft?”
“Yes. I might as well get used to being on my own. I can’t live on your couch forever. Pretty soon I’ll have to get a job.”
“You could probably work for Spike,” I said.
“As what?”
“That would be up to him. Can you tend bar?”
“Not really.”
“You might learn,” I said. “Do you have any money?”
“I have two quarters,” she said. “But I can sleep and eat at the college.”
“I’ve got a hundred dollars you can have,” I said. “When it’s gone, maybe we can find some more. Just until you get on your feet.”
“I shouldn’t.”
“You should. We’re friends. Friends help each other out.”
Sarah laughed sadly. “I hired you,” she said. “And I can’t even pay you anymore. And now you’re paying me.”
“We’re too far into this,” I said. “I can’t put it down. My accountant will find a way to deduct it.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” I said. “When you’re ready to go, I’ll drive you.”
“You’ll be glad to get rid of me.”
“I’ll be glad to live just Rosie and me again,” I said. “That’s not the same thing as being glad to get rid of you.”
“Close enough,” Sarah said.
“No. Of course, I like to live my life as I am used to it. No one really loves a permanent houseguest on the couch. But I’m glad you had a place to come when you needed to, and if you need to again, the couch is still here.”
“Thank you. Do you like to live alone?”
“Yes and no,” I said.
“What’s that mean?” Sarah said.
I smiled at her.
“Yes and no,” I said.
58
When Richie came to pick up Rosie, we were perfectly pleasant with each other. He sat on the couch and drank a cup of coffee. Rosie was beside him with her head on his lap.
“She’s such a silent dog,” Richie said.
“She is often lost in thought,” I said.
“That would be my guess,” Richie said. “She been okay?”
“Fine,” I said. “How is your life going?”
“Fine,” he said. “You?”
“Fine.”
“Does your wife mind Rosie?”
“No, not at all. She’s not used to dogs, but she thinks Rosie is great.”
“And she’s nice to her?”
“Sure,” Richie said. “Love me, love my dog.”
“I hear a small reservation,” I said.
Richie smiled. “She’s not crazy about Rosie on the furniture in the living room,” he said. “Or sleeping with us.”
“So what happens?”
“I prevail,” Richie said. “Just like you would.”
“But what about when you’re not there?”
“Rosie is always with me,” he said. “I take her to work, everywhere. She’s never alone with Kathryn.”
“But Kathryn’s not mean to her?”
“Of course not. You saw Rosie with her. Rosie likes her. Kathryn’s just not the same kind of dog person you and I are.”
The momentary sense of us-ness made me feel shaky. I didn’t want to say it, I wished I hadn’t said it. I hated it when I heard myself say it, but I opened my mouth and out it came: “Do you love her like you loved me?”
Rosie was leaning on his thigh. He was resting one hand on her back. He sat silently for what seemed like a long time without moving, looking at me. Finally, he took in a lot of air, softly, through his nose.
“No,” he said.
“Do you still love me?”
Again, the long, motionless time. This time, he moved his hand enough to pat Rosie softly. She resettled herself slightly to take full advantage of the patting.
“Yes.”
I felt as if I could hear my own pulse. I listened to my own breathing. My computer was on at the other end of the room. I could hear it hum.
“I’m seeing a shrink,” I said.
“Good idea,” Richie said.
“She’s very good,” I said.
“The best kind to see,” Richie said.
We looked at each other silently. Rosie wiggled over onto her back so that Richie could rub her stomach.
“I’m beginning to learn some things about myself.”
Richie nodded.
“I’m not exactly who I was,” I said.
“It’s tough work,” Richie said. “You should be proud of yourself for doing it.”
I nodded.
“I there anything you need?” Richie said. “The Burkes got resources, you know.”
“I never ever could quite be sure,” I said. “Are you involved in the Burke family business?”
Richie smiled a little.
“I’ve told you no before.”
“I know.”
“So I won’t again,” Richie said. “Lemme tell you a story instead. When I graduated high school, my father and my uncle Felix took me out to dinner. My father said to me, ‘You know what we do?’ and I said, ‘Yes.’ And my father said, ‘It’s the life we chose, Felix and me.’ and I said, ‘I know.’ And my father said, ‘It ain’t a very good life. I don’t want you in it.’ Now you have to understand, my father probably said one hundred words to me in my first eighteen years. For him, this was like the Sermon on the Mount. ‘You unnerstand?’ he said. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Awright,’ he said. ‘I want you to go to college, and when you get through, I’ll be able to set you up in some legit part of the, ah, family enterprise.’ And being me, and being eighteen, I say, ‘If I want to.’ And my father looks at Felix and they both smile and my father says to me, ‘You do anything you want that’s legal. Me and Felix can give you a head start, and I don’t see no reason you shouldn’t take it, but that’s up to you.’ ”
“And you never were in the rackets?” I said.
“No,” Richie said, and smiled. “I went to college, and when I graduated, they gave me the saloon as a graduation present, and there hasn’t been an illegal dollar spent there since I owned it.”
I didn’t know what to say. I believed him. Why the hell hadn’t I always believed him? Richie grinned again, thinking back.
“Here’s a nice touch, though. At this same dinner, my father also said to me, ‘Whatever you do, you’re a Burke, and not everybody is going to be your friend. I want you to learn to shoot, and to use your fists.’
“And I said, ‘I already had a few fights in high school.’ And my father smiled at Felix again and said, ‘Yeah, sure. But Felix will teach you how to do it even better. Shooting, too.’ ”