“I know you,” he said at last. “You’re old Sakamoto’s little girl.”
Even as a child I could tell that Mr. Tanaka saw the world around him as it really was; he never wore the dazed look of my father. To me, he seemed to see the sap bleeding from the trunks of the pine trees, and the circle of brightness in the sky where the sun was smothered by clouds. He lived in the world that was visible, even if it didn’t always please him to be there. I knew he noticed the trees, and the mud, and the children in the street, but I had no reason to believe he’d ever noticed me.
Perhaps this is why when he spoke to me, tears came stinging to my eyes.
Mr. Tanaka raised me into a sitting position. I thought he was going to tell me to leave, but instead he said, “Don’t swallow that blood, little girl. Unless you want to make a stone in your stomach. I’d spit it onto the floor, if I were you.”
“A girl’s blood, Mr. Tanaka?” said one of the men. “Here, where we bring the fish?”
Fishermen are terribly superstitious, you see. They especially don’t like women to have anything to do with fishing. One man in our village, Mr. Yamamura, found his daughter playing in his boat one morning. He beat her with a stick and then washed out the boat with sake and lye so strong it bleached streaks of coloring from the wood. Even this wasn’t enough; Mr. Yamamura had the Shinto priest come and bless it. All this because his daughter had done nothing more than play where the fish are caught. And here Mr. Tanaka was suggesting I spit blood onto the floor of the room where the fish were cleaned.
“If you’re afraid her spit might wash away some of the fish guts,” said Mr. Tanaka, “take them home with you. I’ve got plenty more.”
“It isn’t the fish guts, sir.”
“I’d say her blood will be the cleanest thing to hit this floor since you or I were born. Go ahead,” Mr. Tanaka said, this time talking to me. “Spit it out.”
There I sat on that slimy table, uncertain what to do. I thought it would be terrible to disobey Mr. Tanaka, but I’m not sure I would have found the courage to spit if one of the men hadn’t leaned to the side and pressed a finger against one nostril to blow his nose onto the floor. After seeing this, I couldn’t bear to hold anything in my mouth a moment longer, and spat out the blood just as Mr. Tanaka had told me to do. All the men walked away in disgust except Mr. Tanaka’s assistant, named Sugi. Mr. Tanaka told him to go and fetch Dr. Miura.
“I don’t know where to find him,” said Sugi, though what he really meant, I think, was that he wasn’t interested in helping.
I told Mr. Tanaka the doctor had been at our house a few minutes earlier.
“Where is your house?” Mr. Tanaka asked me.
“It’s the little tipsy house up on the cliffs.”
“What do you mean… ‘tipsy house’?”
“It’s the one that leans to the side, like it’s had too much to drink.”
Mr. Tanaka didn’t seem to know what to make of this. “Well, Sugi, walk up toward Sakamoto’s tipsy house and look for Dr. Miura. You won’t have trouble finding him. Just listen for the sound of his patients screaming when he pokes them.”
I imagined Mr. Tanaka would go back to his work after Sugi had left; but instead he stood near the table a long while looking at me. I felt my face beginning to burn. Finally he said something I thought was very clever.
“You’ve got an eggplant on your face, little daughter of Sakamoto.”
He went to a drawer and took out a small mirror to show it to me. My lip was swollen and blue, just as he’d said.
“But what I really want to know,” he went on, “is how you came to have such extraordinary eyes, and why you don’t look more like your father?”
“The eyes are my mother’s,” I said. “But as for my father, he’s so wrinkled I’ve never known what he really looks like.”
“You’ll be wrinkled yourself one day.”
“But some of his wrinkles are the way he’s made,” I said. “The back of his head is as old as the front, but it’s as smooth as an egg.”
“That isn’t a respectful thing to say about your father,” Mr. Tanaka told me. “But I suppose it’s true.”
Then he said something that made my face blush so red, I’m sure my lips looked pale.
“So how did a wrinkled old man with an egg for a head father a beautiful girl like you?”
In the years since, I’ve been called beautiful more often than I can remember. Though, of course, geisha are always called beautiful, even those who aren’t. But when Mr. Tanaka said it to me, before I’d ever heard of such a thing as a geisha, I could almost believe it was true.
After Dr. Miura tended to my lip, and I bought the incense my father had sent me for, I walked home in a state of such agitation, I don’t think there could have been more activity inside me if I’d been an anthill. I would’ve had an easier time if my emotions had all pulled me in the same direction, but it wasn’t so simple. I’d been blown about like a scrap of paper in the wind. Somewhere between the various thoughts about my mother-somewhere past the discomfort in my lip-there nestled a pleasant thought I tried again and again to bring into focus. It was about Mr. Tanaka. I stopped on the cliffs and gazed out to sea, where the waves even after the storm were still like sharpened stones, and the sky had taken on the brown tone of mud. I made sure no one was watching me, and then clutched the incense to my chest and said Mr. Tanaka’s name into the whistling wind, over and over, until I felt satisfied I’d heard the music in every syllable. I know it sounds foolish of me-and indeed it was. But I was only a confused little girl.
After we’d finished our dinner and my father had gone to the village to watch the other fishermen play Japanese chess, Satsu and I cleaned the kitchen in silence. I tried to remember how Mr. Tanaka had made me feel, but in the cold quiet of the house it had slipped away from me. Instead I felt a persistent, icy dread at the thought of my mother’s illness. I found myself wondering how long it would be until she was buried out in the village graveyard along with my father’s other family. What would become of me afterward? With my mother dead, Satsu would act in her place, I supposed. I watched my sister scrub the iron pot that had cooked our soup; but even though it was right before her-even though her eyes were pointed at the thing-I could tell she wasn’t seeing it. She went on scrubbing it long after it was clean. Finally I said to her:
“Satsu-san, I don’t feel well.”
“Go outside and heat the bath,” she told me, and brushed her unruly hair from her eyes with one of her wet hands.
“I don’t want a bath,” I said. “Satsu, Mommy is going to die-”
“This pot is cracked. Look!”
“It isn’t cracked,” I said. “That line has always been there.”
“But how did the water get out just then?”
“You sloshed it out. I watched you.”
For a moment I could tell that Satsu was feeling something very strongly, which translated itself onto her face as a look of extreme puzzlement, just as so many of her feelings did. But she said nothing further to me. She only took the pot from the stove and walked toward the door to dump it out.
chapter two
The following morning, to take my mind off my troubles, I went swimming in the pond just inland from our house amid a grove of pine trees. The children from the village went there most mornings when the weather was right. Satsu came too sometimes, wearing a scratchy bathing dress she’d made from our father’s old fishing clothes. It wasn’t a very good bathing dress, because it sagged at her chest whenever she bent over, and one of the boys would scream, “Look! You can see Mount Fuji!” But she wore it just the same.