could explain cold to them but if you did other words would
push it out o f their minds in a minute. T hat’s what they use
words for, to bury things. People learn long w ords to show
o ff but if you can’t say what cold is so people understand what
use is more syllables? I could never explain anything and I was
em pty inside where the words go but it was an emptiness that
caused vertigo, I fought against it and tried to keep standing
upright. I never knew what to call most things but things I
knew, cold or wet, didn’t mean much. Y o u could say you
were cold and people nodded or smiled. Cold. I tremble with
fear when I hear it. They know what it means on the surface
and how to use it in a sentence but they don’t know what it is,
don’t care, couldn’t remember if you told them. T h e y ’d forget
it in a minute. Cold. O r rape. Y ou could never find out what it
was from one o f them or say it to mean anything or to be
anything. Y o u could never say it so it was true. Y o u could
never say it to someone so they would help you or make
anything better or even help you a little or try to help you. Y ou
could never say it, not so it was anything. People laughed or
said something dirty. Or if you said someone did it you were
just a liar straight out; or it was you, dirty animal, who pulled
them on you to hurt you. Or if you said you were it, raped,
were it, which you never could say, but if you said it, then they
put shame on you and never looked at you again. I think so.
And it was just an awful word anyway, some awful word. I
didn’t know what it meant either or what it was, not really,
not like cold; but it was worse than cold, I knew that. It was
being trapped in night, frozen stuck in it, not the nights people
who live in houses sleep through but the nights people who
live on the streets stay awake through, those nights, the long
nights with every second ticking like a time bomb and your
heart hears it. It was night, the long night, and despair and
being abandoned by all humankind, alone on an empty planet,
colder than cold, alive and frozen in despair, alone on earth
with no one, no words and no one and nothing; cold to frozen
but cursed by being alive and nowhere near dead; stuck frozen
in nowhere; no one with no words; alone in the vagabond’s
night, not the burgher’s; in night, trapped alive in it, in
despair, abandoned, colder than cold, frozen alive, right there,
freeze flash, forever and never let loose; the sun had died so the
night and the cold would never end. God w on ’t let you loose
from it though. Y ou don’t get to die. Instead you have to stay
alive and raped but it doesn’t exist even though God made it to
begin with or it couldn’t happen and He saw it too but He is
gone now that it’s over and you’re left there no matter where
you go or how much time passes even if you get old or how
much you forget even if you burn holes in your brain. Y ou
stay smashed right there like a fly splattered over a screen,
swatted; but it doesn’t exist so you can’t think about it because
it isn’t there and didn’t happen and couldn’t happen and is only
an awful word and isn’t even a word that anyone can say and it
isn’t ever true; so you are splattered up against a night that will
go on forever except nothing happened, it will go on forever
and it isn’t anything in any w ay at all. It don’t matter anyw ay
and I can’t remember things anyw ay, all sorts o f things get
lost, I can’t remember most o f what happened to me from day
to day and I don’t know names for it anyw ay to say or who to
say it to and I live in a silence I carry that’s bigger than m y
shadow or any dark falling over me, it’s a heavy thing on m y
back and over m y head and it pours out over me down to the
ground. Words aren’t so easy anymore or they never were and
it was a lie that they seemed so. Some time ago they seemed
easier and there were more o f them. I’m Andrea but no one
says m y name so that I can hear it anymore. I go to jail against
the Vietnam War; it’s night there too, the long night, the sun is
dead, the time bomb is ticking, your heart hears it; the
vagabond’s night, not the burgher’s. I’m arrested in February.
It is cold. There is a driving wind. It slices you in pieces. It goes
right through you and comes out the other side. It freezes your
bones and your skin is a paper-thin ice, translucent. I am
against the War. I am against war. I find it easier to do things
than to say things. I am losing the w ords I had about peace.
The peace boys have all the words. The peace boys take all the
words and use them; they say them. I can’t think o f ones for
myself. T hey don’t mean what they say; words are trash to
them; it’s hollow, what they say; but the words belong to
them. In January I sat in court and saw Ja y sent aw ay for five
years to a federal prison. He w ouldn’t go to Vietnam. I sat
there and I watched and there was nothing to say. The peace
boys talked words but the words were trash. When the time
came Jay stood there, a hulking six-foot black man and I know
he wanted to cry, and the Feds took him out and he was gone
for five years. The peace boys were white. He was afraid and
the peace boys were exuberant. He didn’t have words; he
could barely say anything when the ju dge gave him his few
seconds to speak after being sentenced or before, I don’t
know, it was all predecided anyway; I think the judge said five
years then invited Ja y to speak and I swear he almost fell down
from the shock and the reality o f it and he mumbled a couple o f
words but there wasn’t anything to say and federal marshals
took him o ff and his mother and sisters were there and they
had tears, not words, and the peace boys had no tears, only
words about the struggle o f the black man against the racist
war in Vietnam, I couldn’t stop crying through the thing
which is w hy I’m not sure just when the judge said five years
and just when Ja y seemed like he was going to double over and
ju st when he was told he could say something and he tried but
couldn’t really. I’ve been organizing with the peace boys since
the beginning o f January, working to organize a demonstration at the United States Mission to the United Nations. We are going to sit in and protest Adlai Stevenson fronting for the
War. The peace boys wanted Ja y to give a speech that they
helped write and it covered all the bases, imperialism, racism,
stinking U . S. government, but it was too awful and too
tragic, and the peace boys went out disappointed that the