followed you and then you ran and you didn’t scream or cry
until you found your m omma because he might hear you and
find you so you were quiet even though you were shaking and
you ran and then they say thank God nothing happened and
you don’t know w hy they think you are lying because you are
trying to tell them everything that happened ju st the right w ay
and i f you are a stubborn child, a strong-willed child, you say
the almost-ten-year-old version o f fuck you something happened all right the fuck put his hands in m y legs and rubbed me
all over; m y legs; my legs; me; m y; m y legs; m y; m y; m y legs;
and he rubbed me; his arm was around m y shoulder, rubbing,
and his mouth was on m y neck, rubbing, and his hand was
under m y shirt, rubbing, and his hand was in m y pants,
rubbing, and he kept saying ju st let me. . . . and it was a
creepy whisper in some funny language and he was saying
sounds I didn’t understand and then they say the child is
hysterical, something must have happened, the child is
hysterical; and they want to know i f anything came inside or
was outside and you don’t want to tell them that he took your
hand and put it somewhere wet on him in his lap in the dark
and your hand touched something all funny and your hand got
all cold and slim y and they say thank God nothing happened;
and they ask i f something went inside but when you ask inside
where they look aw ay and you are nearly ten but you are a
fully desperate human being because you want to know inside
where so you w ill know what happened because you don’t
know what he did or what it was or how many hands he had
but they don’t ask you that. And your mother says show me and
you don’t know if you should put your arm around her
shoulder, rubbing, or rub your head into her neck, and she says
show me and you try to whisper the w ay he whispered in a deep
voice but you are too far away from her for it to be like him and
you don’t know what he said so you are crying and a little sick
and you point to your legs and say here and she says show me
where he touched you and you say here and you point to your
legs and she says did he put anything in and you say his hands
and she says anything else did he put anything else in and you
don’t know how many hands he had or if he put them in or in
where and you are wearing bermuda shorts because it is hot,
hot summer, August, black ones, too grown up for a girl your
age she told you but you are always fighting to wear black
because you want to be grown up and you are always fighting
with her anyway and this time she let you because she didn’t
want to fight anymore, and she wants to know i f he touched
your knee and she points to your bare knee and you say yes and
she wants to know if he touched higher and you don’t know
how high because you were sitting down and you say my legs
and she asks you if he touched your bermuda shorts and you
say yes and she asks you if he took them o ff and you think she
is trying to trick you because you were at the movies and how
could someone take your bermuda shorts o ff at the movies and
she asks you if he touched under the bermuda shorts and she
wants to know what he touched you with and it was dark and
you couldn't see and you don’t know what he touched you
with or how many hands he had but she doesn’t ask you that
and afterwards sometimes you think he was from outer space
because people from earth have two hands and when you
make a drawing o f him with crayons or pastels you draw a
stick man with a big face and big hands, lots o f hands, and
sometimes you make another hand in the sky coming down
and you never tell that you are drawing him and you say that
he rubbed you with something inside your legs, no, not there,
higher up, and she cries, your beautiful mother cries, with her
long hair, with her black hair down to her shoulders, and her
cotton summer dress with flowers on it from when she was
young, she cries and she sits across from you and she holds
your hands in hers and you feel so sorry because you always do
something wrong and make her angry or sad and this was a
special day when she let you go to the movies by yourself for
the first time because you said you were mature enough and
she let you wear black and you made her cry so you say
momma I’m sorry momma nothing happened m om ma
nothing happened he didn’t hurt me momma I’m fine m omma
honest m omma nothing happened it didn’t m omma honest
nothing; and she says “ pregnant” something; and I am
punished, in m y room, put alone in m y room and not allowed
to come out and she doesn’t like me anymore, and I cry, I am
going to cry until I get old, I am crying for God to see, I am
afraid the man will come again because he came from nowhere
the first time and he disappeared into thin air and if he is from
outer space he can go anywhere or maybe he followed me like
they do on television and I couldn’t see him because he hid
behind trees and cars and God would know if he had followed
me and maybe God could stop him from finding m y room or
it could be like when someone is killed on television and you
think he is dead and then it gets all quiet and he isn’t dead and
he attacks again with a knife or a gun or he is real strong and it
is real quiet but suddenly he appears from nowhere so I cry but
I keep m y eye on the door so I will be alert in case he is just
pretending to be gone but really he sneaked inside the house
and he is ju st waiting or he could come in the w indow ; and
something hurts me like when you fall down and scrape your
knees and the skin is all scraped o ff and it is all bloody and has
cuts in it and dirt in it and your mother cleans it o ff and puts
iodine on it and says it w o n ’t hurt but it burns and she puts a
bandage on it; something hurts somewhere where he rubbed
but I don’t look because I’m afraid and I keep m y hands away
because I don’t want m y hands to touch me and I don’t want to
touch anywhere in m y legs because I’m afraid; and I couldn’t
say something was hurting because I didn’t know if something
was hurting or not or where it was because maybe I was
making it up because it hurt like a scraped knee but it hurt
somewhere that didn’t exist. I wanted God to see me crying so
He would know and it would count. I asked God if there were
men from outer space on earth because He knew if there was
life on other planets but He didn’t answer me; and I knew there
weren’t but I knew He could have made them if He wanted to
and I knew people only had two hands and I didn’t know how