Mercy

would do; would he run or laugh or walk away; or was it a

member o f the gang, wanting some. It was cool and clear and

light outside and it was a man I didn’t know except a little, a

big man, so tall, so big, such a big man, and I whispered to him

to help me, please help me, and I talked out loud that I couldn’t

come out now for breakfast like we had planned and I

whispered to say that I was hurt and that the man inside was a

leader o f a gang and I indicated the big knife on the w indow

ledge, out o f m y reach, a huge dagger, almost a sword, that I

had got the man to leave outside and I whispered that he was in

m y bed now with a knife and out loud I tried to say normal

things very loud but I was dizzy and I wasn’t sure I could keep

standing and the big man caught on quick and said normal

things loud, questions so I could answer them and didn’t have

to think o f new things because I’m shaking and I say the m an’s

in m y bed with a knife and please help me he was with a gang

and I don’t know where they are and maybe they’re around

and they’ll show up and it’s dangerous but please help me and

the big man strides in, he doesn’t take the big knife, I almost

die from fear but he just does it, I used m y chance and there’s

none left, he has long legs and they cover the distance to the

bed in a second and the man in m y bed is fumbling with the

knife and the big man, so big, with long legs, says I’m his; his

girl; his; this is an insult to him; an outrage to him; and the man

in the bed with the knife says nothing, he grovels, he sweats,

he asks forgiveness, he didn’t mean no harm, you know how it

is man; and hey they agree it’s just a misunderstanding and

they talk and the man in m y bed with the knife is sweating and

the man who saved me is known to be dangerous, he is

known, a known very serious man, a quiet man, a major man,

and he says he’s m y man and I’m his woman and he don’t want

me having no trouble with sniveling assholes and any insult he

throws makes the man in m y bed with the knife sweat more

and grovel more and the big man, the man with the long legs,

he speaks very soft, and he says that now the man in the bed

with the knife w ill leave and the man in the bed with the knife

fumbles to put his pants on and fumbles to put his shirt on and

fumbles to get his shoes on and the big man, the man with the

long legs, says quietly, politely, that nobody had ever better

mess with me anymore and the man who was in m y bed with

the knife says yeah and sure and please and thank you and I am

some kind o f prom queen, bedecked, bejeweled, crowned

princess, because the man with the long legs says I am his, and

Pedro or Juan or Jo e is obsequious and he says he is sorry and

he says he didn’t understand and he says he made a mistake and

they chat and I’m shaking bad, I’m there covered a little, I’m

shaking and I’m not really covered and I’m covered in sweat

and I’m trying not to fall down faint and I’m shaking so much

I’m nearly naked, I’m hurt, my head falls down and I see my

skin, all bruised anywhere you can see as if I turned blue or

someone painted me blue, and there’s blood on me but I can’t

look or keep m y eyes open, I’m just this side o f dead but I’m

holding on, I’m shaking but I got something covering me

somewhere and I’m just not quite dead, I’m keeping something covering me somewhere, and Pedro or Juan or Jo e

leaves, he leaves mumbling an apology to the big man and I’m

saying thank you to the big man with serious formality, quiet

and serious and concentrating, and I’m something that ain’t

fresh and new, I’m something that ain’t clean, and I don’t

know anything except he’s got to go now because I have to

curl up by m yself to die now, it’s time, I’m just going to put

m yself down on the bed, very careful, very slow, on m y side

with m y knees raised a little, curled up a little, and I’m going to

God, I am going to ask God to take me in now, I am going to

forgive Him and I am going to put aside all m y grudges against

Him for all what He did wrong and for all the pain I ever had or

saw and I am going to ask Him to take me away now from

here and to somewhere else where I don’t have to move ever

again, where I can be curled up a little and nothing hurts and

whatever hurts don’t have to m ove and that I don’t have to

wake up no more but the big man ain’t through and I say later

or tom orrow or come back and he says I have to pay m y debts

and he talks and he threatens and he has a deep voice and he is.

big and he has long arms and he isn’t leaving, he says, and he is

strong and he pulls me down and gets on top o f me and says I

owe him and he fucks me and I say God Y ou must stop him

now but God don’t stop him, God don’t have no problem

with this, God rides on the back o f the man and I see Him there

doing it and the man uses his teeth on me where men fuck and

G od ’s for him and I’m wondering w hy He likes people being

hurt and I’m past hating Him and past Him and I can’t beg

Him no more for respite or help or death and the big man has

his teeth between m y legs, inside me and on the flesh all

around, he’s biting, not a little, deep bites, he’s using his teeth

and biting into the lips o f m y labia and I’m thinking this is not

happening and it is not possible and it is not true and I am

thinking it will stop soon because it must stop soon but it does

not stop soon because the man has fucked but it means nothing

to him except he had to do it so he did it but this is w hy he is

here, the real reason, this biting in this place, he is wanting to

do this other awful thing that is not like anything anyone ever

did before and I say this is not happening and even Y ou are not

so cruel to let this man do this and keep doing it and not

making him stop but the man has long arms and he’s driven, a

passionate man, and he holds me down and he has long legs

and he uses his arms and legs to keep me pinned down and he is

so big, so tall, he can have his face down there and still he

covers me to hold me down, m y shoulders, m y breasts; but

m y head twists back and forth, side to side, like some loose

head o f a doll screwed on wrong. He is cutting me open with

his teeth, he looks up at me, he bites more, he says lovers’

things, he is the great lover and he is going slow, with his

mouth, with his teeth, and then watching m y head try to

screw itself o ff m y neck; and he gets in a frenzy and there’s no

words for this because pain is littler and sweeter and someday

it ends but this doesn’t end, will not end, it will never end, it’s