anything, any time, you need it, you got it, I don’t ask w hy, I
don’t ask any Goddamn thing, I do it, I take any pain that
comes with it or any consequences and I don’t blab about it or
complain or be halfhearted, I just take it. That was it
fundamentally for me. I’d think, when’s he going, except he
w asn’t going; the husband gets to stay. I started having this
very bad pain in m y left side and I felt frustrated and upset
because I hated this, it w asn’t anything for me; it was banal. I
hated having to go through these routines and I’d see the rope
coming out, or the movement toward the bed, or the belts, I’d
see the shadow o f something that meant he wanted this now
and I’d try to divert him to something else, anything else,
football, sports, anything, or if I saw it was going to happen
I’d try to seduce him to be with me; with me. M ore and more
it was pretend, I had to pretend— the sooner he’d come, the
sooner it’d be over, but he liked it, he really liked it, and it
went on and on; afternoons, fading to dusk. After he’d be
jubilant, so fucking high and full o f energy, jum ping and
dancing around, and I’d have this pain in m y left side, acute
and dreadful, and I wanted to crawl into a corner like some
sick animal and he’d want to go visit this one and that one,
married couples, his friends, his family; w e’d go somewhere
and he’d be ebullient and shining and fine and dancing on air,
he’d be golden and sparkling, and I’d be trying to stand the
pain in m y side, I’d be quiet, finally quiet, a quiet girl, not
thinking at all, finally not thinking, eyes glazed over, nothing
to say, didn’t think nothing, just sit there, pale, a fine pallor,
they like white girls pale, unwashed, he wouldn’t let me wash,
dressed, oh yes, very well-dressed, long skirts, demure, some
velvet, beautifully made, hippie style but finer, better,
simpler, tailored, the one w ho’d been naked and tied, and he’d
look over and he’d see me fucked and tied and I’d feel sticky
and dirty and crazy and I’d feel the bruises between m y legs
because he left them there and I’d feel the sweat, his sweat, and
I’d be polite and refined and quiet while he strutted. The men
would know; they could see. T h ey’d fuck me with their eyes,
smile, smirk, they’d watch me. He liked ropes, belt, sticks,
wooden sticks, a walking stick or a cane; cloth gags sometimes. I didn’t feel annihilated; I felt sick and bored. H e’d always do it to me but sometimes he’d have me do it to him as
a kind o f prologue, a short prologue, and I hated it but I’d try
to keep him occupied, excited, I’d try to get him to come, he’d
want to get hard but I’d want to make him come, I’d do
anything to make him come so the next part w ouldn’t happen
but it always did, you put your heart into staying alive, acting
like you’re in charge; married, a married woman, with what
we been to each other, this is just a hard stretch, he’s having
some trouble, it will change, I’ll love him enough, give him
what he needs, it will change, I can do anything, absolutely
anything. I’d go through the motions, tying him, doing what
he wanted, m ostly light strokes o f a cotton wrap-around belt
and fellating him and then he was ready and he’d tie m y wrists
to the bed and I’d start waiting and soon the pain in m y side
would come and I’d know it was going to last for hours and
he’d use a leather belt, a heavy belt, with a big buckle, a silver
buckle, or sticks, or he’d begin with his open hand, or he’d use
a brush, and he’d do what he wanted and he’d take his time and
then sometime he’d fuck me and I’d hope it was over and
sometimes it was and sometimes he’d do more and after he
would untie me and he wanted to visit folks and party, didn’t
matter w ho or where, even his terrible fam ily, he’d play cards,
the men would play cards, or i f it was real late at night he’d
want an after midnight m ovie, a cow boy m ovie, an edge o f
night crowd where there were always people he knew and
deals he could make and he’d strut by them, circle around
them, regale them, touch and poke them, tell vulgar jokes, sell
hash or score and always, always he’d smoke; or w e’d go to an
after-hours club and he’d deal and strut; and I’d sit there, the
quiet, used thing; the pale, used thing. I’d moan and do
everything you’re supposed to; I’d egg him on to try to get him
to finish; I ju st hate the fucking feel o f rope around m y wrists; I
hate it. We didn’t use mechanical things; you can use anything;
you can do anything any time with anything. The bed was in a
tiny middle room, a passageway really, no window s, and I’d
lay there, m y wrists tied to the headboard, and the walls
would be nearer each time, the room w ould get smaller each
time; and sometimes, more and more, he’d leave me spread-
eagle on the bed, m y ankles tied to the base o f the bed, and he’d
be done, and he’d get up, he’d fuck me with m y legs tied
spread apart and then he’d be dead weight on top o f me, he’d
be done, and sometime he’d get up, when he wanted, and he’d
stand there, his back to me, and he’d putter around, he’d find
his pants, he’d pick out a new shirt to wear, he’d hum, and I’d
want to reach out like this was still us, not just him, and he’d be
only a few feet away, but I couldn’t and I’d say his name and
he’d keep his back to me and I’d ask him to untie me and he’d
keep his back to me and I’d tell him m y side hurt and he’d
putter around and I’d see his back and then I’d close m y eyes
and wait. Then, sometimes, he’d say we were going out, and
I’d say I’m sick and I don’t want to, and then I’d get scared that
he’d leave me there tied up and I’d say I wanted to go, I really
did, and he’d sit down on the bed and he’d untie one rope
around m y wrist and then he’d make it tighter to hurt me and
then he’d untie it because I was shaking from fear that he’d
leave me there and I’d put on clothes, what he liked, and I’d
follow him, quiet. I never thought there was anything I
couldn’t walk away from; not me. If I didn’t like being
married I’d just leave. I didn’t care about the law. I wasn’t
someone like that. This was a few fucking ropes; so what? I
was getting nervous all the time; anxious; and he’d keep
waking me up to do something to me; to fuck me; to tie me; I’d
be sleeping, he’d be gone, he’d come in out o f nowhere, he’d
be on me in the bed where I was sleeping, I just could never get