fight with her or if you were very scared. I had a big fight with
God when I learned in Hebrew School that women couldn’t
go into the Tem ple when they had their periods because I got
mine when I was nine, I was an adult when I went to the
movies alone in the Bible, and it had hurt so terrible, so bad,
and still did every month, and I couldn’t think when anyone
would need God more, and how could He keep me aw ay and
say aw ful things like that I was unclean when He gave you the
thing. We were studying Leviticus and I was in class and I was
angry with the teacher who sat slumped over the book and
told me what God had said which I could see for m yself N o
one else was upset but maybe they hadn’t gotten their periods
yet and the teacher never would and he could go into the
Tem ple all the time, the whole month, all slumped over and
stupid. When I had it out with God I tried to explain over and
over that I really was sincere and w hy would He want to keep
someone sincere like me out o f the Tem ple and there w asn’t
any good answer that I could figure out except that it w asn’t
sincerity God was looking for; He wanted people w ho didn’t
bleed so w hy had He made you bleed; and you thought that
having a baby would be even worse and hurt even more and
He said you were even more unclean and had to stay out even
longer but you could solve that by not having a baby. And if
you had a baby you would have nine months when you could
go into the Temple and make God happy but when it got real
bad and you needed Him you couldn’t go because once it got
really bad and blood came you were unclean. I thought
women should have their babies in the Temple where God
was because it might hurt less. The teacher said you had to
accept things you didn’t understand and God didn’t have to be
fair but if God wasn’t who would be and how would they
know how? The teacher said that when he went to dinner in
people’s houses he would take a book out o f the people’s
bookcases and blow dust o ff it to show the wife the books
weren’t clean and how lazy and dirty she was. He said the
books were always dusty because women were lazy and didn’t
take care o f their husbands’ books. I didn’t understand w hy it
wasn’t rude to blow dust o ff someone’s books and make them
feel bad and I couldn’t understand how she could stand it after
she had made him dinner and been real nice. But he just
laughed and said women were unclean and he had just proved
it. I asked him if his books were dusty and he said his wife
cleaned them and he blew on them. I didn’t go to God with the
problem o f the books and the dust but I didn’t think it was fair
either. I asked my mother and she said he was my teacher and I
should listen to him but I decided not to anymore. N o w I had
another problem on my mind. Why was what the man did less
bad if I wasn’t a child? If I was a grown-up and went to the
movies and wanted to see the movie, w hy would it be less bad
if the man stopped me and if he scared me and if I had to run
away and i f he hurt me and if he made me cry and i f I didn’t
want him sitting next to me and whispering or anything. I
wanted to know if God thought it was less bad; and I hated the
adults for saying it was less bad. I wanted to know where God
was when the man was there and w hy God didn’t make the
man go away. I wanted to know if God was there too. The
Hebrew School teachers said God knows everything and can
do anything and H e’s always there, everywhere. I believed He
could do anything and knew everything but I didn’t think He
was always there because too many bad things happened and if
He was there they couldn’t ju st happen; how could they? I f I
see someone do something bad I’m not supposed to ju st
watch. M om m a says call the police or an adult. H ow could He
be in the movies with me when the man came? He w ouldn’t
even come to m y room after because He knew all about it and
felt ashamed for making such a horrible man. I knew He could
do anything and made us all so w hy did He make that man?
Was God there like the teachers kept saying and the rabbis kept
saying and did He look or was He looking somewhere else
because He could have turned to look somewhere else because
it didn’t take so long and time for God must be different and it
must have been just a small minute for Him to turn away. O r if
He had to go to India or somewhere maybe He w asn’t there. I
sort o f thought He was there but I couldn’t believe that H e’d
ju st sit and watch because that w ouldn’t be right and God has
to do things that are right. M aybe He turned aw ay but maybe
He was there. M aybe He looked. I thought He was there, I
didn’t feel alone, but I couldn’t stand to think He had ju st
looked so I stopped thinking it but the only w ay I could stop
thinking it was to think that probably God didn’t exist anyw ay
and was only a superstition and there was no God the same
w ay there were no space creatures. I lectured m yself that I was
a child and I was going to grow up even though I didn’t want
to anym ore and someday I would understand w hy it was less
bad if I w asn’t a child unless the adults were just lying, because
adults lie a lot to children I had found out. M aybe they were
lying about God too and maybe there wasn’t one. I sort o f
thought God had been there though. The theater was em pty
but it didn’t feel em pty and there’s a special kind o f dark that
feels like G o d ’s in it, it’s got dots o f light in it all dancing and
sparkling or it’s almost thick so it’s just all surrounding you
like a nest or something, it’s something alive and you’re
something alive and it’s all around you, real friendly, real close
and kind as if it will take care o f you. I was so excited to be at
the movies by myself. I thought it was a very great day in my life
because usually I would be fighting with my mother and she
wouldn’t let me do anything I wanted to do. I had to play with
children and she didn’t like for them to be older than me but all
my real friends were older than me but I kept them secret. I
had to go shopping with her and try on clothes and go with her
to see the wom en’s things and the girls’ things and there were
millions o f them, and they were all the same, all matching sets
with the dressy ones all messed up with plastic flowers, all
fussy and stupid, and they were so boring, all skirts and
dresses and stupid things, little hats and little white gloves, and
I could only try on things that she liked and I wanted to read
anyway. I liked to walk around all over and go places I had