she’s mad and sad and I say well it’s a big deal, really, and your
nerves are bound to get frayed, aren’t they, and she gets darker
and stranger, and Paul comes over, and she glowers, and he
says some pleasant things, and she and he seem to agree that
the paintings are on the wall and the people are in the room,
and there’s a certain amount o f tension over this, and Paul’s
saying normal things like hey have something to drink and
there’s food, take some, or have some, and I’m saying the sort
o f foolish things people say about paintings, aren’t they
strong, aren’t they interesting, haven’t they grown, don’t they
dominate the room, and it works kind o f like Valium because
Jill evens out and there’s a small smile out o f one side o f her
mouth at least and I think I should just walk around and see
about finding someone I can ask for a place to sleep, and I walk
around, and I have one drink to warm up because I can’t drink
because I don’t know what the rest o f the night will be and
relaxing isn’t in the picture until there’s shelter and I have a wet
sandwich and I chat with this woman and this man and they’re
mostly painters and they really all want to say something
about the relationship, Paul and Jill, not the paintings, so
there’s this catty, gossipy quality to everything and also it’s all
secretive because no one wants to be accidentally overheard by
Jill or Paul and while Jill is staying one place, dead center in the
room, just standing there by a particularly big painting, Paul is
all over, behind people, in conversations, introducing people,
the real host, the scout leader; and he chats with me awhile too.
But I’m scared, because I know this will end and real life will
come back. I know the trick’s not to look desperate. I know
the trick’s to seem as if there’s nothing wrong; w hy the hell do
you need to sleep on someone’s floor if nothing’s wrong? I
can’t think o f any plausible reason but I figure it’s not rational
as such, you know, reasons, it’s attitude, you have to have a
kind o f calm as if it’s just normal so no one thinks they’ll have to
give you anything; or care for you. So I make m yself steady
and I think this is normal and I ain’t so scared as actually I am
and I think well Jill knows everyone here and she’s m y friend
so I’ll ask her and I take her aside, meaning just a little o ff her
mark, and I say I need a place to sleep and is there anyone here
who might put me up ju st for one night, and she says she’ll
think about it, and I smile and act as if it’s okay one w ay or
another and I drift o ff and more time passes, and I’m drinking
soda and thinking, every second thinking, m y heart beating
too fast in fear, but outside I’m calm and simple, and Jill comes
up and says, listen, I’m going home with Paul so w hy don’t
you stay at m y loft, and I say that’s great, because it is, and I am
fucking happy, I think even it will be nice, it’s a big place, it’s
sort o f dark but it’s fine, you know, with a bed on a kind o f
platform, a mattress really, and it’s really nice, you know, so
I’m at ease, I mean I am really happy, and I pour m yself a stiff
drink, a real fine drink, and I’m chatting aw ay like a real
person, you know, I can’t emphasize enough how m y heart
slows down and how m y blood stops racing and how inside
m y head calms down and I’m just a person, not so shiny as the
others but not scared no more, more like a happy girl o f the
regular kind, and then, once the adrenaline has subsided
altogether, I feel how tired I am, I feel how it’s worn me out, I
feel how cold I got and how I’m just dragged out and
enervated, weary, and it’s midnight by now , I been at the
opening a long time, and I think it’s decent to leave, so I go to
Jill, and she and Paul are holding hands and they are looking
happy and I am glad there’s a truce and I ask if I could go to her
loft now , and she’s upset or confused or something, and m y
heart sinks, but he says, look, I’m going to stay at Jill’s loft
with her, it’s ju st easier, so w hy don’t you go to m y place, it’s
empty, there’s no problem, I’ll give you the keys, okay? I say
things like I don’t want to put you out and arc you sure it’s
okay and he says what is obvious, I ain’t putting him out
because it’s a big night for Jill and he’s staying with her at her
place because it’s ju st better for her that w ay; and I say fine; and
everyone says fine; and he’s going to give me the keys and
directions because I’m not sure where it is from here and I’m
waiting for him to come tell me these things, he said he’d write
them down, and fatigue is dragging me down, and I get my
coat and he comes and says hell I’ll just walk you there, it’s no
big deal, Jill’s going to be here for a couple o f hours yet, I’ll
walk you and come back, it’s just a few blocks away; and I was
glad because I didn’t want to get lost and I don’t know it
around here so good and it’s late and the streets are a little scary
down here, it’s not a regular neighborhood, and the wind has
made the streets bare and menacing as if it’s blowing dark
shadows in your face to smother you, and we go out, and it’s
colder than before, you are turned half to ice and the streets are
empty, just this naked cement with tides o f wind sweeping
over it like a sandstorm in the desert, and he says shit let’s get a
drink, and we step into a bar, we fucking dive into it, grateful
it’s there, and w e’re at the bar and I’m drinking my Stoli
straight up and I don’t have no money and I say so because I’m
planning to pay half because that’s fair and also I don’t want
wrong ideas communicated or to take advantage because he’s
a famous painter and he’s saying shit it doesn’t matter, it’s so
fucking cold we w on’t make it if we don’t take care o f
ourselves, and we talk about Hem ingway or something, and
we take o ff again, and we get a little further and there’s another
bar and we dive in, grateful, and we sit at the bar and there’s
another Stoli in front o f me and w e’re talking about some actor
he knows w h o ’s shooting cocaine and he’s saying it’s a tragedy
and I’m thinking yeah it is; and I’m saying Jill will w orry and
he’s saying there’s plenty o f time and I’m saying we should
just brave it and walk to his place and he’s saying it’s Jill’s
opening and she’s the center o f attention and that’s how it
should be and it’s good for her, she needs to stand more on her
own, and he’s proud o f her, and it’ll be fine, and there’s