pinkish and warmish, you need light, you need light that’s
fresh and new, wholesome, washed in a subtle pastel color, a
pale hue, you need real light, honest light, well-established
light, not half dark, not stained by dark, not transitory or
illusory, you need it yellow from sun or even silver or gray,
you need it heated up, cozy, as if someone lit a match and
burned it to heat up the air, you need the sun m ixing with the
wind, a touch o f heat, you need it to be daytime if you’re a girl
so you can be safe and warm and at night you have to stay
inside so you w on’t get hurt; you don’t go out after dark; you
stay inside at night, you don’t be stupid and fuck up or some
stranger could hurt you, some bad man, a Nazi or some ghoul.
Y ou got to stay inside and if there’s a boy who likes you he’ll
sit next to you and he’ll kiss you and you can just stay with
him. Paul’s asleep. H e’s pinning me down, half on top o f me, a
lover but slightly displaced, half on me, half on the bed, it’s a
single bed, it’s been light a long time, two hours, three hours, I
watched the light come, it’s slow at first, then it’s sudden, it’s
pale today, a delicate yellow, a pale cold tone, I’m a student o f
light and time; my eyes are swollen open as if I saw something
that fixed them in place but I didn’t see nothing special, I
always wait with m y eyes open, I had them open, I didn’t close
them, it doesn’t help to close them, I waited for light but he
didn’t stop just because there was light, sometimes something’s important to you but it doesn’t matter to someone else
but you don’t know that, you don’t understand it, he lasted
well past the light and then he fell asleep without m oving
much, I wouldn’t have minded turning into a pumpkin but the
lovely lady had to stay at the ball, the beautiful princess loved
by the boy, he liked her so much; then he fell asleep without
m oving much, his body the full length o f mine, half on me,
half off, his arms holding onto me, one spread over me, dead
weight, one leg was spread over me, dead weight; and I was
completely still, I stayed completely still, except m y eyes
wander, and I decide I’m never going to lie down again, I’m
never going to lie down on m y back, I’m going to sit or I’m
going to stand up always from now on, in alleys or in
apartments or anywhere, and I try to move but I hurt, I am
filled with aches under m y skin, in m y bones, in m y joints, in
m y muscles, I’m stiff and I’m sore and then m y head’s
separate, it’s very big and there’s a thud in it, a bang, a buzz,
and there’s polka dots in the air, painted on, in the whole vast
room, dancing dots, black and navy blue, and he’s watching
me, I m ove slow ly and finally I am sitting, sitting on the edge
o f the bed, the single bed, sitting, chaste, just sitting, and m y
right leg is split open, the skin on it is split open in two places,
above m y knee and under m y knee, the skin’s torn, there’s big
jagged pieces o f skin, there’s gashes, it’s deep tears, deep cuts,
blood, dried blood and wet blood, m y leg’s torn open in tw o
places, his kisses, his lover’s kisses opened the skin, inside it’s
all angry looking as if it’s turning to a yellow or greenish pus,
it’s running with dirty, angry blood, I think it needs stitches
but I can’t get stitches and I’m scared o f gangrene, old ladies
get it on the street, winos get it when there’s sores, and I go to
wash it at the sink but it hurts too much and I think his water’s
dirty, I’m sure he has dirty water, it looks dirty, and the skin’s
splitting apart more, as if it’s a river running over land, and I
concentrate on getting out, finding m y clothes, putting on m y
clothes, they’re torn and fucked up, and I ask for the keys to
get out and he says something chatty and he smiles, it’s
English but I can’t exactly understand it so I nod or smile in a
neutral w ay and I think I’d better get out and he says see you or
see you again or see you soon, it’s English but it’s hard to
understand, I can’t make out the separate words, and I say
yeah, yeah, o f course, sure, and it doesn’t seem to be enough
so I say I’ll call, it seems better, it’s affirmative, he relaxes, he
smiles, he’s relaxed back into the bed, and I move, slow ly, not
to alarm him, not to stir him, not to call attention to myself, I
try to m ove the w ay they tell you with a book on your head,
smooth and calm and quiet, firm and fast and sure, ladylike,
self-abnegating, to disappear, and I take the keys and I go
down the steps, very slow, it’s hard, the blood from the gashes
is dripping down and the leg’s opening more and it hurts, it
hurts very much— if you spread your arms out full, that much,
or even more maybe. If it was a knife you could put the skin
back together and there wouldn’t be so many diseases, knives
are cleaner, this w on’t go back together, it’s ripped, it’s too
torn, it’s dirty, some special dirt, it’s named after him, this
dirt, it’s called Paulie, I named it after him; and I leave the keys
like he told me inside the door in the hall on the floor, it’s
unlocked now, the door’s open, I walk out and it’s deserted,
cold, bare, bare city streets, calm, no wind, a perfect, pure,
clean cold, cold enough to kill the germs on m y leg, it’ll freeze
them and they’ll die, I think it must be the case, if you can kill
them through heat, sterilization, you must be able to kill them
through cold, I think the damaged tissue’s already freezing and
the germs are dying or they will and it’s good there’s no wind
because if anything moves my leg screams, the skin screams,
it’s like a flashfire ignited up my leg, a napalm exploding on
me; and he’s sleeping upstairs, he’s in bed, he didn’t get out o f
bed, he’s asleep, he was back asleep almost before I left, he
seemed to be waiting for me to kiss him goodbye or good
morning or hello, I said I’ll call and he relaxed back into bed, I
stared, I made m yself move, I moved fast, quiet, which is w hy
they teach you to walk with a book on your head, you walk
quiet, with poise, you have a straight back, you take firm,
quiet steps, and I wish someone would go up now while he’s
asleep and kill him or rob him, I wish I could put a sign on the
door— it’s open, kill him, rob him, I think there’s some
chance, it’s a bad neighborhood, maybe som ebody’ll find
him. I’m dirty; all m y clothes are torn and fucked up as if they
were urinated on or wrapped in a ball and used to wipe
someone’s ass. I call Jill from a pay phone. He raped me, I say.