the white people who did the bad things and used the bad
words and said the ugly things that were poisonous and made
the six million die. M y daddy said I had to be quiet because I
was a child. M y daddy said I had to be polite to my uncle who
called colored people niggers and he said I had to stay quiet and
when I was grown up I could say something. I watched my
daddy and he was quiet and polite and he would wait and listen
and then he would tell m y uncle he was wrong and Negroes
were just like us, especially like us, and they weren’t being
treated fair at all but I didn’t think it helped or was really good
enough because m y uncle never stopped it and I wanted to
explode all the time. M y daddy always said something but it
was ju st at the end because m y uncle would go aw ay and not
listen to him and no one listened to him, except me, I’m pretty
sure o f that. And once when m y mother was sick and going
into the hospital and I had to go stay in m y uncle’s house I cried
so hard because I was afraid she would die but also I knew he
would be calling colored people bad names and I would have
to be quiet and I had to live there and couldn’t go aw ay and m y
daddy told me specially as an order that I had to be quiet and
respectful even though m y uncle was doing something awful.
I didn’t understand w hy adults were allowed to do so many
things w rong and w hy children had to keep quiet all the time
during them. I stayed aw ay out o f the house as long as I could
every day, I hung out with teenagers or I’d just hang out alone,
and I prayed to God that m y uncle w ouldn’t talk but nothing
stopped him and I would try not to m ove and not to breathe so
I w ouldn’t run aw ay or call him bad names or scream because
it caused me such outrage in m y heart, I hated him so much for
being so stupid and so cruel. I sometimes had cuts on the inside
o f m y mouth because I would bite down to stop from talking
back and I would press m y fingernails into m y palms so bad
they would bleed and I had sores all over m y hands so I bit m y
nails to keep the sores from coming. Y ou had to do what
adults said no matter what even if you didn’t know them or
they were creeps or very bad people. The man was an adult.
He w asn’t so mean as m y uncle in how he talked, he talked
nicer and quieter. I was sitting there, acting grow n up,
wearing m y black bermuda shorts. Outside it was hot and
inside it was cold from air-conditioning. I liked the cold inside.
O ur house was hot and the city was hot but the movie was nice
and cold and the sweat dried on you and I liked how amazing it
felt. The man sat down next to me. There were a million empty
seats and the theater was like a huge, dark castle, but he
sat down right next to me, on m y left. The whole big theater
was empty. The usher was a teenager but I didn’t think he was
cute. He had a light blue uniform and a flashlight. He showed
me to my seat. He wanted it in the middle but I kept wanting
to go closer to the screen. I sat down in front where I’m not
allowed with my parents because they think it’s too close but I
like it because then the movie is big and it seems like the people
are giants and you forget everything looking at them. The
theater was so big and the ceiling was so high and you could
get lost in it except that the seats were all in rows. The theater
was dark but not completely dark. There was dim light but
not enough light really to see in or to read my book in. I had a
book stuffed in my pocket. I always carried a book. I liked to
read whenever I could. Y ou could read almost anywhere but
there wasn’t enough light even for me so I had to sit and wait
for the lights to go down all the w ay and the movie to start. I
crossed m y legs because I thought it was sophisticated. I
crossed them one way, then the other way. I opened the top
buttons on my blouse because I was alone now and I could do
what I wanted. The man sat down and the usher wasn’t there
because I tried to look but I didn’t want to insult the man by
acting like anything was wrong. I didn’t understand w hy he
had to sit there and I wished he wouldn’t but you had to be nice
to people who sat next to you in a bus or in a synagogue or
anywhere and I wanted to move but he hadn’t done anything
bad and I knew it would be an insult to him and I didn’t think I
was better than other people. He said some things to me and I
tried to look straight ahead and I tried to be polite and not talk
to him at the same time and I tried to ask him to leave me alone
but not to be rude because he was an adult and it wasn’t right to
be mean anyway. I didn’t understand what was w rong
because people sit next to people all the time but I thought he
could move over one seat and not be right next to me but I
didn’t know how to say he should m ove over w ith o u t. it
seeming like I was mean or thought he was dirty or poor or
something bad. He said things and I said yes or no or I don’t
know or I don’t think so and kept looking ahead to show I
w asn’t interested in talking and had other things on m y mind
and he told me I was pretty and grow n up and I said I was ju st a
child really and I had never been to the m ovies before m yself
and m y mother was waiting for me and I wanted to watch the
m ovie but when someone says yo u ’re pretty you have to say
thank you. Then the lights went o ff and it was really dark and
the room was dark and big, an enormous cave o f darkness, and
I felt buried alive in it as if it wasn’t good and then the light
started flickering across things from the screen and the man
put his arm around m y shoulder and I asked him not to touch
me but I was very polite because I thought he was just being a
friendly person because people only touched you if they were
your friends or your relatives and liked you and I wanted to
scream for the usher to come but I was afraid o f making noise
because it w asn’t right to make noise and I didn’t want to do
something w rong and insult the man and he did all those
things, many things but as i f it was one thing with no breaks or
stops in it because he ju st curled and curved and slid all over
with his arms everywhere and his mouth all over and his hands
everywhere and keeping me in the seat without stopping, and
he kept whispering and he hurt me and I didn’t know what to
do except that grow n-ups don’t cry or make noise and he
pushed his hands in me and I didn’t know what to do, except
he was hurting me, and he slumped more over me and in m y
chest and kept pressing me and then he slumped again and
shaked and stopped pressing so hard and I pulled m yself aw ay