My jaw tightened. "Next year."
Daiyu's eyes narrowed. "Already planning your next act of defiance?"
"That's not what I—"
"It's exactly what you meant." She carefully set her cup on the saucer. "I have told you repeatedly to avoid exposure, to shun the spotlight. Do you recall, Merlin?"
"Yes, but—"
"And do you remember why?"
I took a deep breath. "Because if I attract the wrong kind of attention, our enemies will find us."
"And yet you completely disregard my instructions and enter the city's largest event in pursuit of what — fame and fortune? A fool's reward. You wear a mask of compliance when I'm around, then remove it as soon as I leave, blatantly disregarding the rules and dragging Mateo into your schemes. You are a vain, spoiled, duplicitous child."
"And you are a bitter, frightened old woman!"
My voice echoed off the walls, so loud and enraged that I barely recognized it. My chest heaved, and my muscles tensed as angry tears blurred my vision.
Daiyu responded with silence, letting the fury in her gaze speak for her. The tiny cup in her hand trembled, fracturing the matching saucer underneath. The sharp crack of the porcelain seemed nearly as loud as my outburst. When she finally spoke, it was in a voice so soft and controlled that I knew inwardly she was white-hot with rage.
"You disappoint me with your childish tantrums and disrespect for authority. Perhaps the fault is mine for becoming too lax with your guidance. I thought you were ready for fewer restrictions, but I was wrong. There is a price to pay for disobedience, child. I must think about it. For now, you look like you need some rest. We will discuss things when you wake up."
Her attention focused on picking up the broken saucer as if it was the most monumental task in the world. I was dismissed and knew nothing I said would get a response from her. I turned and walked down the hallway, tucking the trophy under my arm. As I opened my bedroom door, Mouse stuck his head out of the opposite room.
"You okay?"
"I'm fine."
"I heard you shouting." He looked miserable, as he usually did when me and Daiyu clashed.
"Yeah. Guess I lost my temper."
"It's gonna be okay, Merlin."
"I know. I'm just tired, that's all."
"After all we did? Of course you are."
I yawned, feeling drained. "I'm going to catch some sleep. You should too."
"Okay. And hey—"
"Yeah?"
"It was fun. I don't care what the Sister says."
I smiled. "Damn right it was."
I entered my room, set the trophy on the desk, and crashed onto the bed without even removing my clothes. I tried to stay mad at Daiyu, but holding on to the anger was too exhausting. Before I knew it, I was out cold, lost in a deep and dreamless sleep.
When I woke up, Mouse was gone.
"Where is he?"
Daiyu sat cross-legged in the backyard, dressed in an all-white Tai Chi uniform. Eyes closed, she inclined her head as if my shouted words were hard to hear.
"I sent him away."
My fists trembled at my sides. "Why?"
"Because he leans on you like a crutch. Unable to make sound decisions, unable to mature. His emotional attachment is his downfall. As it is yours. For two plants to grow, they must be spaced apart."
"You didn't need to punish him for my mistakes. You should be punishing me."
Her eyes opened, nearly golden in the sunlight. "I am punishing you."
She stood, assumed a neutral stance, and beckoned with one hand. "You have too much negative energy for logic to penetrate. Come — release it."
I responded to her sparring invitation by rushing forward, fists blurring in an all-out attack, Wing Chun style. Daiyu moved as if reading my mind, defending every whirring strike. Not bothering to counterattack, she spun away with the grace of a water dancer. Furious, I launched a flurry of spinning kicks, knee strikes, and close-quarter punches. Daiyu blocked and dodged, moving as if her bones were made of putty. Hooking my arms, she threw me over her back and onto the pebbled walkway. Placing one arm behind her back, she bent over to look at me.
"Your fury makes you predictable, young one. If I were your enemy, you would be dead by now."
I slammed a fist against the polished stones, vision blurring with tears. "You're not my enemy. You're supposed to be my mother. You're supposed to care about me."
Her eyebrows rose. "You don't think I care about you?"
"All you do is push me."
"I push you to be better."
"You just want to control me."
"I want to protect you."
"From what? Mouse caring about me? From me having a normal life?"
"You will never have a normal life." Daiyu bent down to carefully straighten a bent branch on the nearby rosebush. "You were born an aberration, a miracle, an unexplained phenomenon. You were never meant to exist, but you do. And because of that, you will always be a target."
"I'm not an aberration — I'm a person. Flesh and blood like anyone else. Not a robot. Someone with feelings, with needs. Not that you know anything about that."
For the first time, something flashed in her eyes — was it pain? Too quick to tell. She stilled her face quickly, assuming serenity like a mask. "So, you believe that I am devoid of feelings. That I don't show you the love and care that you feel you deserve. You know nothing, child."
I swallowed and said nothing, shocked by the raw emotion in her voice.
She sighed, raising her right hand in front of her face. "The Wraths of Ebonhall are forbidden to bear or sire children. Sterilization is a requirement for any who complete the trials. And as I told you before, your father was an Elite: also biologically incapable of producing children. Between the two of us, there should have been no chance of ever creating life."
Her eyes met mine. "Yet despite all that, in defiance of the impossible, you were conceived. Perhaps it was the experimental Aberrant modifications to his DNA. Perhaps it was a miracle. We'll never know. The Council of Ebonhall did not believe my report. They felt I had somehow deceived them, and demanded the pregnancy be terminated. I refused."
Placing her left hand on her right wrist, she gave it a sharp twist. I gasped when the hand snapped away from the wrist. She crouched and placed the prosthetic in front of me. "For my refusal, the masters saw no choice but to punish me by taking my killing hand. Again, they demanded I terminate the pregnancy. Again, I refused."
I winced when she lifted her hand to her face, stretched her eyelids open, and proceeded to pluck her eyeballs out one by one. Those she carefully placed on the smooth stones beside the artificial hand. "The price was heavy. The masters demanded the eyes that witnessed the bloodshed, and I complied. Only after that was I free to leave the Order. Such was the cost of carrying you into this world, Merlin. Such was the love I had for you even when unborn. Perhaps now you understand that there is nothing I won't do to keep you safe, and nothing I demand of you that I haven't done myself."
I stared at the cybernetic organs, frozen from shock. My lips trembled as I tried to find a response equivalent to the moment. There wasn't one, and I could only stammer in reply. "I … I didn't know. You never told me about…"
She stood, lids closed over the empty sockets, face proud and regal. "It is my burden, Merlin. Compared to the honor of raising you into a woman, the load is light."
"I'm sorry."
"You are nearly grown, and your wings itch for flight. All I ask is for you to wait until it is time to leave the nest. Will you trust my judgment?"
I nodded. "Yes, Daiyu."
Her lips hinted at a smile. "Then we will speak of this no more. And no need to worry about Mateo. He is with a trusted friend and will reunite with you when he learns to stand on his own."