Sighing, I realized I had no choice but to write back,
Nothing. Grandmere just wanted to take me to Chanel, so she made up the thing about my dad being sick.
God, Lilly wrote back. No wonder you're looking like you ate a sock again. Your grandmother sucks.
I could not agree more. If only Lilly knew the full extent of just how much.
Wednesday, January 20,
Sixth Period, Third-floor Stairwell
Emergency meeting of the followers of the Jane Eyre technique of boyfriend-handling. We are, of course, in peril of
discovery at any moment as we are skipping French in order to gather here in the stairwell leading to the roof (the door
to which is locked: Lilly says in the movie of my life, the kids got to go on the roof of their school all the time. Just another example of how art most certainly does not imitate life), so that we can lend succour to one of our sisters in suffering.
That's right. It turns out that I am not the only one for whom the semester is off to an inauspicious beginning. Not only did
Tina sprain her ankle on the ski slopes of Aspen -no, she also got a text message from Dave Farouq El-Abar on her new mobile phone in fifth period. It said, U NEVER CALLED BACK. AM TAKING JASMINE TO RANGERS GAME.
HAVE A NICE LIFE ;-)
I have never in my life seen anything so insensitive as that text message. I swear, my blood went cold as I read it.
'Sexist pig,' Lilly said, when she saw it. 'Don't even worry about it, Tina. You'll find somebody better.'
'I d-don't want someone b-better,' Tina sobbed. 'I only want D-Dave!'
It breaks my heart to see her in such pain - not just her emotional pain, either, because it was no joke trying to get up the third-floor staircase on her crutches. I have promised faithfully to sit with her while she works through her anguish (Lilly is
taking her through Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief: Denial - I can't believe he would do this to me; Bargaining — Maybe if I tell him I'll call him faithfully every night, he'll take me back; Anger -Jasmine is a cow who Frenches on the first
date; Depression - I'll never love another man again; Acceptance - Well, I guess he was kind of selfish). Of course, being
here with Tina, instead of in French class, means I am risking possible suspension, which is the penalty for skipping class
here at Albert Einstein.
But what is more important? My disciplinary record or my friend?
Besides, Lars is keeping lookout at the bottom of the stairs. If Mr Kreblutz, the chief custodian, comes along Lars is going
to whistle the Genovian national anthem and we'll flatten ourselves against the wall by the old gym mats (which are quite
smelly, by the way, and undoubtedly a fire hazard).
Although I am deeply saddened for her, I can't help feeling that Tina's situation has taught me a valuable lesson: that the
Jane Eyre technique of boyfriend-handling is not necessarily the most reliable method by which to hang on to your
boyfriend. I mean, the whole reason Dave dumped Tina is because she stopped calling him.
Except that, according to Grandmere, who did manage to hang onto a husband for forty years, the quickest way to turn
a guy off is to chase after him.
And certainly Lilly, who has the longest-running relationship of any of us, does not chase after Boris. Really, if anything,
he is the one doing the chasing. But that is probably because Lilly is too busy with her various lawsuits and projects to
pay much more than perfunctory attention to him.
Somewhere between the two of them - Grandmere and Lilly - must lie the truth to maintaining a successful relationship
with a man. Somehow I have got to get the hang of this, because I will tell you one thing: if I ever get a message from
Michael like the one Tina just got from Dave, I will fully be taking a swan dive off the Tappanzee Bridge. And I highly
doubt any cute coastguard officer is going to come along and fish me out - at least, not in one piece. The Tappanzee
Bridge is WAY higher than the Pont des Vierges.
Of course you know what this means - this whole thing with Tina and Dave, I mean. It means that I can't cancel my date
with Michael. No way, no how. I don't care if Monaco starts lobbing SCUD missiles at the Genovian House of Parliament:
I am not going to that black-and-white ball. Grandmere and the Contessa Trevanni are just going to have to learn how to
live with disappointment.
Because when it comes to our men, we Renaldo women don't mess around. We play for keeps. And we have the battle
scars to prove it.
Homework:
Algebra: probs at beginning of Ch 11, PLUS ??? Don't know, thanks to Grandmere
English: update journal (How I Spent My Winter Break -500 words) PLUS ??? Don't know, thanks to Grandmere
Biology: Read Chapter 13, PLUS ??? Don't know, thanks to Grandmere
Health and Safety: Chapter 1: You and Your Environment PLUS ??? Don't know, thanks to Grandmere
G & T: Figure out secret talent
French: Chapitre Dix PLUS Don't know, due to skipping!!!!
World Civ.: Chapter 13: Brave New World; bring in current event illustrating how technology can cost society
Wednesday, January 20,
limo on the Way Home from Grandmere's
I don't believe this.
Apparently it is not enough that Grandmere has to disrupt my entire school day with her spur-of-the-moment illicit
shopping trips. Oh, no. Apparently she won't be satisfied until she has destroyed my love life, too.
That's right, DESTROYED my love life.
It is clear to me now that this has been her goal all along. The simple fact of the matter is, Grandmere can't stand Michael.
Not, of course, because he's ever done anything to her. Never done anything to her except make her granddaughter
superbly, sublimely happy.
No, Grandmere doesn't like Michael because Michael is not royal.
How do I know this? Well, it became pretty obvious when I walked into her suite for my princess lesson today, and who should just be coming in from his tennis lesson at the New York Health and Racquet Club, swinging his racquet and looking
all Andre Agassi-ish? Oh, only Prince Rene.
'What are YOU doing here?' I demanded, in a manner that Grandmere later reproved me for (she said my question was unladylike in its accusatory tone, as if I suspected Rene of something underhanded, which, of course, I did, as he has
never shown any marked interest in the plight of Genovia's sea turtles and dolphins, which will soon be endangered, if