Kinko's again-photocopy yourself!
Karla noted that when photocopy machines first started to come out, people photocopied their bums. "Now, with computers, we photocopy our very being."
THURSDAY
Ethan was in business class and I was in coach. If it was Oop! paying, he'd be in the hold with all of the sedated pets.
Ethan vanished at the airport gate, and once in flight, the blue curtain came down and Ethan was gone until we arrived in Canada. I PowerBooked some code on ThinkC and so was able to remain productive. Batteries-the weight! They suck up gravity. They fellate the planet.
I got to thinking that nerds really like anything that smacks of teleportation: freeways; airport first-class lounges; hotel rooms with voice mail . . . anything that erases distance and makes travel invisible. Why don't airlines pick up on this?
Upon landing, standing in line at immigration in Toronto, Ethan asked me, "So, pal, how was life in the Egg Farm?" (referring to the chokingly full, cramped, and miserable realm of coach class; we can thank computers for perennially cramped planes). I said ''Lovely, thank you, Ethan. I took complimentary salt-and-pepper packets as souvenirs. I'll trade them for your Reuben Kincaid sleep goggles."
"Get real, pal."
At immigration, Ethan pulled out his passport and a whole whack of Iraqi banknotes tumbled onto the carpet in a dervish of cash-Susan had bought them at a San Francisco stamp store and stashed them in his passport as a prank. It was great; it was delayed reaction for the time two months ago that Ethan left an inflatable hemorrhoid doughnut on Susan's chair while some Motorola guy Susan had a crush on was visiting. Ethan looked at the doughnut, then at Mr. Motorola and said, "Oh-poor Susan. Such pain-you really can't imagine."
Back in Canada, Ethan was promptly whisked off to the cavity search room as / toddled off to catch my teensy connector flight to Waterloo. I had to pretend I didn't know him because I didn't want to visit THE ROOM either, thank you.
I was looking at the in-flight magazine, and at the end they had this map showing where the airline flies and it looked like a science-fiction map of how a virus transmits from one place to another. All these parabolic arches from city to city to city to city. If the Marburg virus ever does mutate and go airborne, we're DOOMED!
Canada: such a cold, cold country. In the plane I saw below me the blue moon's light on white snow; towers, poles, and lights and blinkings; a wide land that must be shouted across with electrons. And I got to thinking, towers are going to be obsolete, soon. All of these towers, dreaming of their own demise.
Out the hotel window, it was just miserable and there were these Zamboni scraping piles of the past winters' snows, all stacked up. It reminded me of those Antarctic ice-pack core samples where they drill into the ice and date the gases and pollens trapped back in time. Except outside my window there were two layers of soot, one of dog poo, another layer of soot, another layer of dog poo. God, winter is gross. I can't believe Eskimos just don't set themselves adrift on ice floes for the boredom of it all. Or move to Florida.
Karla sent me a fax saying IF YOU LIVED HERE YOU'd BE HOME RIGHT NOW. And I was so homesick. Watched CNN. Coded Oop!.
Thought: one day the word "gigabits" is going to seem as small as the word "dozen."
SATURDAY
Michael arranged for me to meet BarCode at a student union pub.
BarCode, given the possibility of making a flesh-to-flesh connection, admitted on-line that . . . it was, as Michael guessed, a student-so at least the 48-year-old-man-in-spaghetti-strap-diapers scenario was averted.
"Don't be so sure, Daniel," said Michael on the phone from California with not a touch of worry in his voice. "Mature students, you know. Well- we can only hope not. . ."
Waterloo's student pub is better than others I've seen. "The Bomb Shelter," with an all-black inside, a large bomb painted on the wall, big screen TV, video games, pool, and air hockey.
The outdoor temperature was about minus 272 degrees and the students wore thick, gender-disguising outfits to ward off the gales of liquid helium sweeping down from Hudson's Bay. I thought of how in-character it was of Michael to fall for someone's insides and not even know their outsides. I sat there in a seat next to the wall, drinking a few beers, wondering if whoever came by could be ... it.
I was getting all mushy and lonely and missing Karla when suddenly a hand grabbed my throat from behind and yanked me toward the wall, like an alien from Aliens. Fuck! Talk about terror. It was a small hand, but God, it was like steel, and a voice whispered to me, a girl's voice: "Talk to me, baby. I know who you aren't. So speak-gimme a sign, send me a code-let me know that you're you."
Oh man, I was meeting Catwoman . . . with an Official Chyx Wristband!
My head blanked. Only one word came into my head, Michael's code word for our meeting: "Cheese slices" I squeaked out from my snared vocal cords.
The hand loosened. I saw a bare arm. I saw a bar code tattoo below the vaccination bump. And then I saw BarCode, revealed at last, as she let go of her grip and climbed down off the railing and into my view: smaller than Karla, more muscular than Dusty, and dressed so tough that Susan looked like a southern belle in comparison: filthy down vest on top of an oily halter top; hot pants; gas station attendant's boots; haircut with a blunt Swiss Army knife; both eyes dripping with smudged mascara and melting snow ... all underneath an ancient hand-knitted Canadian-type jacket with trout knitted into the front and back. She was small and tight and the natural embodiment that everything Karla, Dusty, and Susan self-consciously were trying to turn themselves into. She was the most aggressive female I'd ever seen and so young-and man, she was so IN CHARGE.
She looked both ways. She looked me in the eyes. She said. "You're Kraft singles's friend?" She narrowed her gaze. "You're here to interview me? Why didn't Kraft come himself/herself?"
"It's, uh . . . himself. . . and I'll be honest with you right now-I'm here because he didn't think you'd like him if you saw him."
She smashed a bottle on the ground and scared the wits out of me. "Man, what sort of pussy does he think I am? . . . that I give a shit whatthe-fuck he looks like?" But then her demeanor changed. She got sweet for a second: "He's a he! He cares what I think about him?"
'"Kraft singles,' as you call him, is stubborn. You should know that."
She relaxed a bit. "You're telling me. Kraft is one stubborn motherfucking entity."
She giggled. "She." Pause. "He . . ."
"You mean," suddenly I was beginning to understand, "you didn't know who he was . . . what he was? I mean, sorry for being blunt, but you didn't know, either!"
"Don't make me feel like a wuss." She picked up an empty 7-Up can, crushed it flat on her knee and then got sweet again. "Is Kraft, ummm . . . like . . . married or anything?"
"No."
I could tell she was relieved and it was beginning to dawn on me that Michael wasn't the only one who had fallen for an entity.
"Do you want to see a picture, BarCode ... do you have another name?"
"Amy."
"Do you want to see a picture of Michael, Amy?"
Quietly: "You have one?"
"Yeah."
"His name is Michael?"
"Yeah."
"What's your name?"
"Dan."
"Can I see a picture, Dan?"
"Here." She greedily snatched the group picture taken at a barbecue at Mom and Dad's earlier on in the year. Nine of us were in the photo, but she spotted Michael right away. I think I had just transacted the most bizarre matchmaking transaction in the history of love.