She almost said "marry me" but stopped herself in time, looking at him with angry suspicion. He knew very well what she had meant, and mocked her inwardly. However, he could see that there was nothing to be gained by withdrawal at this point and went on speaking with theatrical fervor: "I want a lover and partner with whom I can plunge headlong through life, a life filled with gaiety, prosperity, dignity, and happiness; not a life of household drudgery, pregnancy, children, and filth. I want a life for us like the film stars we were talking about earlier."
She opened her mouth in horrified amazement and an awful look darkened her eyes as her face went white with rage. Fury overcame her as she shouted, her back straight, "You are trying to corrupt me. What an evil, wicked seducer you are!"
He smiled sarcastically and said, "I am a man."
She interrupted, shouting, "You are not a man; you are a pimp!"
He laughed out loud, asking, "And are pimps not men too? Oh yes, my lovely young woman, they are real men but not like others, I agree. Will ordinary men ever give you anything but headaches? Why, pimps are stockbrokers of happiness! But in any case, don't forget that I love you. Please don't let anger finish our love. I'm inviting you to happiness, love, and dignity. If you were just a foolish girl I would have seduced you, but the fact is that I respect you and have preferred to be sincere and truthful with you. We are made from the same metal, you and I. God created us to love and work with one another. If we join forces, then love, wealth, and dignity will be ours, but if we part there will be hardship, poverty, and humiliation — for one of us, at any rate."
She remained staring at him, asking herself in confusion how anyone could possibly be like this. Her breast heaved with outrage. It was amazing how, hurt though she was, she still did not despise him and had not ceased loving him for a single moment. Her emotional stress became almost too much to bear, and she stood up in one quick violent movement, saying in angry indignation, "I am not the sort of girl you think."
Doing his best to seem upset, he sighed audibly, although his businessman's confidence was undiminished. Full of regret, he commented, "I can scarcely believe I could have been so disappointed in you. Oh God, are you one day to become one of those alley brides? Getting pregnant, having children, giving birth to children on the sidewalk, with flies everywhere, only beans to eat, your beauty fading away, and getting fat? No, no, I don't want to believe that."
"That's enough!" she shrieked, unable to control herself any longer. She moved toward the door and he got up and caught her, saying gently, "Not so fast!"
However, he did not block her way. Instead he opened the door for her and they went out together.
She had arrived full of joy and fearless, and now she was leaving miserable and confused. They stood in front of the building while a boy brought them a taxi; then they got in, each by a separate door. It drove away swiftly. She was quite lost in thought. Sitting silently, he glanced at her and thought it wiser not to break the silence. So the journey passed until the taxi arrived halfway down Mousky, where he ordered the driver to stop. She awoke at his voice and looked out. She moved as though to get out and he put his hand up to the door as if to open it for her, but hesitated and, turning toward her, kissed her shoulder, saying, "I'll be waiting for you tomorrow."
She drew away from the door, saying angrily, "Oh no!"
Opening the door, he repeated, "I'll be waiting for you tomorrow my darling, and you will come back to me."
Then, as she left the taxi, he said, "Don't forget tomorrow. We will start a wonderful new life. I love you… I love you more than life itself."
He watched her as she walked quickly away, a sardonic smile on his lips. He told himself, "Delicious, no doubt about it. I'm quite sure I'm not wrong about her. She has got a natural gift for it… She's a whore by instinct. She's going to be a really priceless pearl."
24
"Why were you late?" her mother asked Hamida.
"Oh, Zainab invited me over to her house and I went with her," she replied, quite unconcerned.
Her mother then told her the news that they were soon to attend the wedding of Mrs. Saniya Afify. She also announced that the lady was giving Hamida a dress so that she could attend the wedding reception. The girl did her best to appear delighted and sat for a whole hour listening to her mother's prattle. Then they had supper and retired to the bedroom. Hamida slept on an old sofa while her foster mother stretched out on a mattress on the floor.
The older woman was sound asleep in a few minutes, filling the room with her snores, while Hamida lay staring at the closed window, its shutters letting in a little light from the cafe below. She lay there, recalling all the events of the bewildering day, and she remembered every single word and action that had taken place. She relived it all over again, wondering how such fantastic adventures could have happened to her. Despite her state of confusion, she was happy and unafraid, her happiness fed by her satisfied vanity and her instinctive love for adventure. She remembered how, entering the alley, she had wished she had never seen the man, but this thought found no echo in her heart. The truth was that she had learned more about herself in that one day than she had known in her whole life.
It was as if that man had crossed her path deliberately to uncover what was buried inside her, spreading it all before her eyes as though reflected by a mirror. She had said, "No," when she left him, but she really had had no other choice. Anyway, what did her refusal mean exactly? Did it mean that she must keep hidden in her house waiting for the return of Abbas, the barber? Oh God, no! There was no longer any place for him in her life. His memory was erased and she would never let it return. All the barber could possibly give her was one of those wretched marriages and the inevitable pregnancies and children, giving birth to them on the sidewalks among the flies, and with all the other hateful ugliness of the picture she could see so clearly. Yes, she had no desire for motherhood as was the case with so many other girls she knew. In fact, the alley women were far from slandering her when they accused her of hardness and abnormality. What was she to do, then? Her heart beat fast and she bit so hard on her lips that they almost bled. She knew what she wanted and what her soul yearned for. Before today she was in a state of uncertainty, but now the veil was lifted and her goal stood before her clearly.
It seemed extraordinary that, lying there, she saw no serious difficulty in choosing the path she would follow. There was simply her dull past and an exciting future. The truth was that without realizing she had chosen her path. She had chosen this man when she was in his arms in his flat. Outwardly she was angry, while inwardly she danced with joy. Her face had gone pale with rage while her dreams and hopes breathed new life and happiness. Apart from this, she felt no scorn for him for a single instant; he had been, and still was, her life, her hope, her strength, and her happiness. Her hate had only been aroused by his self-confidence when he said, "You will come back to me!"
Yes, she would go back. But he would pay a high price for this conceit of his. Her love was neither worship nor submission, but rather a constant heated battle. How long she had suffocated in that house and in the alley! How she yearned for release into the light, to dignity and to power. Was there any other way of slipping the noose of the past except with this man who had lighted such a fire within her? But she would not go crawling to him, shouting, "I am your slave forever. Do with me what you will." Her love was not like this. Neither would she speed off to him like a bullet and yell, "I am your lady mistress; submit to me!" No, she had no wish either to be or to have a passive lover. She would go to him, her heart filled with hopes and desires, and say, "I have come with all my strength, so give me all of yours too. Let us fight until death. Give me the dignity and happiness I long for." It was thanks to him that her path was now clear. How she hoped she would never lose it again, even though she had bought it with her very life.