A knock. Annoyed at the interruption, I flung open the hatch. Chief McAndrews stood waiting. “What is it, Chief?”
“I need to talk to you privately, sir.”
“Not now. I don’t want to be bothered.”
“It’s important.”
The gall of the man. I was Captain. “Another time. Go below.”
“No.” He pushed past and shut the hatch behind him. I was stunned. He said quietly, “You can’t go on like this, Nick.”
Hope stirred. “You’ve come to relieve me?”
He raised his eyebrows. “No. I’ve come to talk sense into you.”
“This is mutiny! I’ll have you hanged!”
“You’ll do as you see fit.” His voice was stony. “When I’m done.” He shoved out a chair. “Sit.”
Numb, I sat. He pulled up another chair.
“You’re walking the ship like death warmed over, and it gives everyone the willies. Why?”
I looked to the deck. “Because I can’t stand how badly I do my job. Because I hate myself.”
“Why is that?”
“I’ve done my best and failed. I was friends with you, once. I ended that. I brutalized Alexi, the cadets, even Derek.
Instead of inspiring the men, I threaten to hang them. Sometimes I do it. I caused Sandy’s death along with all the others.
I savaged the Pilot and I destroyed Vax. Do you need more? I’m ruining Philip Tyre and Ardwell Crossburn. I broke up the Treadwell family for my own amusement. I killed three men in the gig because I was too stupid to circle Telstarbefore mooring to her hull. And the worst is, it will go on.
Either I fail my oath to Lord God, or I continue making things worse!” My eyes stung.
He asked, as if puzzled, “Why must you do that to yourself?”
“Do what?”
“Cast everything you do in the worst possible light. Why do you never give yourself credit?”
I waved it away, with contempt. “For what?”
“You intuited a glitch in Darla and saved us from catastrophe.
You took us to Hope Nation on course and on schedule without commissioned officers. You had the guts to carry out Captain Malstrom’s executions, and steadied the crew for the long haul.
You saved us all at Miningcamp. Can’t you see it?”
“I killed Sandy! I killed Mr. Howard and the others! Can’t you see that?”
He shouted, “No! No one can, except you!”
I recoiled in shocked silence.
“God damn it, Nicky, you’re as good a Captain as Hibernia ever had! What in the bloody hell is the matter with you?”
“I’m not! A Captain leads! Look at Justin Haag--no one would dream of questioning him. I have to bully everyone! That’s why they dislike me so.”
“Who?”
“Vax, for one. Ever since I brutalized him in the wardroom!”
“Vax would die for you,” he said quietly.
“He can’t feel that way!” A tear found its way down my cheek.
“They all do. Derek--you made a man out of him and he reveres you. You can’t imagine how strongly he feels. Alexi idolizes you. He’d follow you anywhere.”
“But look what I did to him!”
“You didn’t do that!” the Chief thundered. “Philip Tyre did!”
I recoiled from his anger. “Philip, then. I set him up, and delivered him into Alexi’s hands.”
“He deserves it. Alexi’s taking revenge. So?”
“I could have stopped Philip, won him over.”
His meaty fist slammed the table. “Nobody could stop him! That’s why he was sent to you!”
I stopped cold, realizing the truth of that. Doubt began to eat at the edges of my disgust.
“Ricky Fuentes,” the Chief said. “He talks of you with stars in his eyes. Paula and Rafe. What made them want to leave their parents to sign up, you idiot? Not the Navy. You!”
His vehemence took away my breath. I swallowed.
“Why must you be perfect, Nicky?”
“That’s why we’re here!” I saw our drab, worn kitchen, Bible open on the rickety table, while Father waited.
“Can you be perfect?” the Chief demanded, as if from a distance.
“No, but we have to try!”
“Is trying ever good enough?”
His voice faded. Father glowered. Sullenly, I glared back. No matter how hard I tried, I could never please him, because I wasn’t perfect. Only Lord God could be perfect; only Lord God could be good enough. No matter what I did I couldn’t win his approval. Yes, I could be good. I could be excellent.
I could never be perfect.
“It’s not fair!” I cried in anguish to Father. He slapped me; my head snapped to the side. But it wasn’t fair. Lord God couldn’t expect perfection, no matter what Father sought of me. My chest tightened in helpless frustration. If God couldn’t expect it, why must I? Father’s visage glimmered; I began at long last to comprehend. I demanded perfection because Father would accept no less. I sought proofs of my own imperfection, as Father must.
My eyes opened. I was in my cabin, with Chief McAndrews. Father wasn’t aboard. Unless I brought him with me.
I looked at the Chief. “But I can’t lead. Take Vax. He refused to obey a lawful order. I had to destroy him.”
“Why did he disobey?”
“Because he was foolish. He wanted to get us back aboard.
He risked everyone to save a few.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know!” I said, tormented. “If I knew I could have stopped him!”
“Because he loves you.”
My breath caught in a sob.
“He knew what he was doing.” The Chief was remorseless. “He was willing to give up his career for you.
Perhaps his life as well.”
“But why, after all I did to him?” The rag and polish in the launch berth; before that, the brutal icy showers.
“You saved him from being a Philip Tyre. You were the only one who could do that. He loves you for it.”
My hateful words on the bridge echoed. “Oh, God.”
“Stop torturing yourself, Nick.”
“I’ve fouled up so badly!”
“Because you weren’t perfect.” His words hung in the air.
After a long while I forced my gaze to meet his. I took a long breath. “Yes. Because I wasn’t perfect.”
“But you’re a good Captain.”
I tried a smile. It wavered. “Am I?”
I could banish Father. I had banished Mr. Tuak, hadn’t I? “Yes, you’re a good Captain.”
I would miss Father. Perhaps I could learn to live without him.”I shoved a man out the airlock once,” I said.
“I gutted a man once,” he answered.
“My God, what for?”
“I won’t tell you.”
We were silent. Finally I asked, “What do I do about Vax?”
“Decide that yourself.”
I sighed. “It’s lonely. It’s always been so lonely.”
He stood, took a step forward. His hands darted toward me, then drew back hesitantly. “I’m going to touch you,”
he said, for the first time unsure.
I nodded dumbly. He rested his big, powerful hands on my shoulders. He squeezed. I began to cry. After a while I stopped. He sat back in his chair.
“Do you think,” I said after a time, afraid of his response, “do you think perhaps, sometimes, you might want to sit with me again? With your smoking pipe?”
“If you wish, sir.” His voice was quiet.
“I would like that.”
“We’re mated, sir,” Alexi reported.
“Very well.” I swiveled my chair. “When do they come up?” “I’d expect them anytime, sir,” Mr. Chantir said. “We called last night, if you remember.” Now that we were in Hope Station system, I had radioed ahead to Orbit Station, requesting an emergency conference aboard ship with General Tho, Governor Williams, and Captain Forbee.
“Mr. Tyre.”
The boy leaped from his seat, stood at parade-ground attention. “Yessir.” His blond hair was trimmed shorter than before. His hands and face were scrubbed pink.
“Go to the Commandant’s office and find out when they’11 arrive.”