“Obviously he was wrong,” said Karl.
“But he seemed so sure about itand Emma seemed so sure. I can discount Emma, I guess. She’s frightened enough of meand jealous enough of meto want me dead. But Doro …”
“Do you have any intention of defying him?”
“None … now.” I stared down at the table. “I wouldn’t risk the people, the Pattern, even if I were willing to risk myself. I’m wondering, though …”
“Wondering what?”
“Well, remember when we started thiswhen I pulled in Christine and Jamie Hanson?”
“Yes.”
“And you and Doro and I tried to figure out why I was so eager to bring in more people. Doro finally decided that I needed them for the same reasons he needed them. For sustenance.”
Karl smiled faintly, which had to be a mark of how much he had relaxed and accepted his place in the Pattern. “Don’t you think fifteen hundred people might be enough to sustain you?”
I looked at him. “You don’t know how much I’d like to say yes to that.”
His smile vanished. “For the sake of the fifteen hundred, you’d better say yes to it.”
“Yeah. I just wish I could be sure that saying yes was enough.”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“I might be too much like Doro.” I sighed. “I’m supposed to be like him. He finally admitted that to Emma this morning. Have you ever seen him when he needs a change really badly?”
“No. But I know that’s not a safe time to be near him.”
“Right. If he’s really in trouble, he’s liable to lose controljust take whoever’s closest to him. Usually, though, he prevents himself from getting into that situation by changing often and keeping to healthy, young bodies. I seem to prefer young mindsnot
necessarily healthy.”
“But with so many young minds already here, there’s no reason for you to defy Doro and go after more.”
“There’s more of them out there, Karl. I’m afraid that might be reason enough. Now that I’m thinking about it …” I glanced at him. “You’ve felt how eager I am when I go after new peoplethe first ones two years ago, and the last ones this morning. I don’t like thinking about what my life will be like now that I can’t go after any more of them.”
He put one elbow on the table and rested his chin on his hand. “You know, in his way, I think Doro does love you.”
I stared at him in surprise. “What’s that got to do with anything?”
“Am I right?”
“He loves me. What passes for love with him.”
“Don’t belittle it. I think it’s the only lever you have that might move himmake him change his mind.”
“I’ve never in my life been able to change his mind once he’s made it up. His love … it lasts as long as I do what he tells me.”
“All right, then; you may not have any influence. But you’ll find out for sure, won’t you. You’ll try.”
I took a deep breath, nodded. “I’ll try anything within reason. But I don’t think anything less than my complete obedience will satisfy him. I’ve made him wary and uncomfortable. I’ve been moving too fast, and letting him see me too clearly.”
“It sounds as though you’re saying he’s afraid of you. And if you believe that, you’re deluding yourself. Dangerously.”
“No, not afraid. Cautious. He’s alive because he’s cautious. And I’m too powerful. Fifteen hundred people aren’t giving me any trouble at all. Whatever the Pattern is, I’m not likely to overload it soon. Doro isn’t worried that I can’t handle the thing I’m building. He’s worried that I can.”
Karl thought about that for a long moment. “If you’re right, if he is worried, it might not only be because you’re competing with him and taking his people.”
I looked at him questioningly.
“It might be because you could use those people against him. You can’t hurt him alone, but if you took strength from some of usor all of us …”
“He made a point of telling Emma that wouldn’t work.”
“Did he convince you?”
“He didn’t have to. I already knew better than to try anything like that with him.”
“You had no reason to risk trying it before now. Now … you might have to try something. Or let us try. There should be enough Patternists now for us to overwhelm him without your help.”
“No way.”
“It’s never been tried. You don’t know”
“I know. You couldn’t do it. Not even all fifteen hundred of you together, because, as far as he’s concerned, you wouldn’t really be together. He’d take you one at a time, but so fast you’d fall like dominoes. I know. Because that’s something I could do myself.”
He frowned. “That’s out, then. But I don’t understand why he’s so convinced that you couldn’t defeat him using our strength.”
“He said, ‘Strength alone isn’t enough to defeat me.’ And part of the reason he gave is
that I can’t change bodies. But that doesn’t hold up. I can kill his body with a thought, and
that same thought will force him to attack me on a mental level. My territory.”
“That sounds promising.”
“Yes, but he knows it as well as I do. That means he has some other reason for his confidence. The only thing I can think of is my own ignorance. I just don’t know how to take him. He’s not a Patternist, he’s not a mutehe’s bound to have some surprises for me. If I go after him, the chances are I’ll be dead before I can figure out how to kill him. He knows so much more than I do.”
“But he’s never faced anyone like you before. You’d be as new to him as he is to you.”
“But killing is a way of life to him, Karl. He’s damned good at it. And he has killed people who he thought were dangerous to him before. He claims I don’t even have the potential to be dangerous to him personally.”
“Do you imagine he’s never made a mistake?”
“He’s still alive.”
“No wonder. Look how good he is at scaring the hell out of his opponents before he faces them. If you accept him as all-knowing and invulnerable, you’d better be able to live without recruiting for as long as he says. Because you’ll be in no shape to face him. You’ll have already beaten yourself!”
We stared at each other for a long moment, and I could see that he was as worried as he sounded. “You know I’m not going to give him my life,” I said quietly. “Or the lives of my Patternists. If I have to fight him, it will be a battle, not a rout.”
“You’ll take strength from us.”
I winced, looked away. “Some of you at least.”
“The strongest of us. Beginning with me.”
I nodded. To protect them, I had to risk them. They could be killed even if I wasn’t. If I was desperate and rushed, as I probably would be, I might take too much of their strength. And I would be killing them. Not Doro. They were my people, and I would be killing them.
Doro stayed at Larkin House that night. We still kept his room ready for him though he didn’t use it much any more. He didn’t intend to use it that night. Instead he came across the hall to my room. I was sitting in the middle of my bed in the dark, thinking. He walked in without knocking.
He and I hadn’t made love for over a year, but he walked in as though there had been no break at all. Knowing him, I wasn’t surprised. He sat on the side of my bed, took off his shoes, and lay down beside me fully clothed. I was stark naked myself.
“I checked on a few of your searchers,” he said. “I see they’re starting for home.”
I didn’t say anything. I had mixed emotions about his just being there. I had promised Karl that I’d use my “lever,” try to change Doro’s mind. Now looked like a good time for that. But, since he was Doro, I wouldn’t get anything past him that I didn’t mean. If I was going to be able to reach him at all, it had to be with truth.