“Eight…”
—Cars everywhere. Sadie’s normally quiet street had been clogged with cars when Sadie got home. She knew why when she pulled into her driveway and saw a girl in the burgundy uniform of her mother’s preferred valet service standing under a white umbrella.
Her stomach had dropped. Her parents were having a party. They must have forgotten that they’d said they would have a quiet dinner, just the three of them. Or forgotten entirely about her coming home.
“The hostess asks that guests enter through the front door and then make their way to the pool,” the valet said.
Sadie wondered which of her mother’s charities this was a fund-raiser for. Not that it mattered; she had no intention of going. She would go straight upstairs to her room and call Decca.
Ignoring the valet’s instructions and hearing nothing from the backyard, she turned left before reaching the stairs and followed a path lined with glossy-leafed lemon trees around the side of the house. The white globe lanterns her parent’s landscape architect had designed for outside entertaining were lit, and mirror-topped café tables had been arranged beneath the arbor that ran along the swimming pool. There was a small stage for a band at the far end of the pool, but no band on it. It was like a stage set, Sadie thought—PARTY: CASUAL, EVENING—everything straining in hushed readiness, but no guests. They must still have all been inside.
Between the house and the pool were three long rectangular tables covered with white cloths. One of them was set up as a bar, and the other two looked like they would hold a buffet. Each of them was decorated with an ice sculpture of a walnut.
The sculptures aren’t even very good, Sadie thought as she skirted the tables and made for the door. They looked more like brains than walnuts.
“SURPRISE!”
People burst from under tables, behind lemon trees, beneath the stage. Sadie took two steps backward and would have ended up in the pool if Pete hadn’t caught her.
“I’d say she was surprised,” her father said to her mother. “Guess she’s not made of stone after all.”
“Smile, darling,” her mother said when she leaned in for a kiss on the cheek. “Everybody likes the smiling girl.”
“Seven…”
Sadie remembered Decca appearing a quarter of an hour later, her dark skin glowing in all the candlelight. She’d thrown her arms around Sadie, and while they posed for pictures said through her teeth, “You’re completely miserable, aren’t you?”
“Is it that obvious?” Sadie asked, smiling.
“Only to me.” Decca got serious. “Do you want me to start a fire so everyone has to be evacuated?”
Sadie suddenly felt much better. “No.”
“Say ‘not yet,’” Decca told her. “It’s best to leave your options open.”
“Six…”
Sadie remembered Decca disappearing “to chat with that nice man at the bar” when Pete came up and slipped his arm around her.
“Come here, there’s something I want to show you,” he’d said, too loud, drawing her into the shadows next to the pool house and kissing her.
The air was warm and heavy with the citrus scent of the lemon trees. She’d reached up, twined her fingers in his hair, and pulled his mouth hard against hers. The kiss was deep, intense, and long. When they separated, Pete stared at her, breathless. “It’s nice to know you missed me.”
“Of course I did,” she told him.
“So how was spy camp? Learn all the secret handshakes? Get asked out by a lot of nerds?”
Before she could stop herself Sadie snapped, “It wasn’t like that.”
Pete gave her a wondering look. “I was kidding. Relax. I’m sure you were much too busy learning how to manipulate people without them knowing.”
Sadie tried to keep her tone light. “If I could do that, do you think we’d be having this conversation?”
He grinned at her. “How was it really? You look great, by the way.”
“It was amazing, Pete. Incredible.”
He tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “And you’re excited to start?”
“More than I’ve ever been for anything in my life,” she said. She’d known it was the wrong thing to say the minute the words were out, but she couldn’t take them back. She braced for his reaction.
But he surprised her. He said, “I’m so happy for you, babe. Of course, I’m going to miss you.”
She looked up at him gratefully. “I’m going to miss you too.” She touched his cheek. “A lot.”
“And miss kissing me?” he asked, his nose rubbing against hers.
“And miss kissing you,” she confirmed.
“Maybe we should do something about that.” His hand slid up her thigh under her skirt.
“Pete, there are people—”
His lips were at her ear. “Your parents are great hosts. No one is paying any attention to us. We could leave, and they wouldn’t notice.”
That was true. Apart from Decca and Pete and a few of her father’s partner’s kids, all the guests were her parents’ friends. “I’ve been going nonstop today, and I haven’t showered,” Sadie said, reaching down to halt the progress of his fingers up her thigh.
“So?” He pulled away slightly and gave her a mischievous smile. “I wouldn’t mind getting a little dirty.”
Sadie rolled her eyes. “That’s disgusting.”
He grinned at her, his adorable grin, then took her hand and pulled her toward the stairs to the house. “Come on, let’s not waste time.”
She planted her feet. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s our last night together for six weeks. I was thinking we should make it… memorable.”
No, she thought, her heart sinking. Not tonight.
“Five…”
Smile, darling, Sadie heard her mother’s voice in her head. “We agreed to wait until we felt ready,” she said. Her voice sounded high and a little panicked.
Pete didn’t seem to notice. “Until you felt ready,” he corrected, tucking her hair behind her ears. “We’ve waited for a year. Isn’t that enough? Come on, babe. I love you. You love me. What more do you want?”
She wanted to feel excited. She wanted to want it. And she didn’t. But she couldn’t tell Pete that. “I want it to be perfect.”
“Trust me, it will be. Stop worrying. You’re overthinking it,” Pete coaxed. “Sometimes I wish you were a little less cerebral.”
“There are plenty of airheads who would be happy to date you,” Sadie said coldly.
He smirked at her and tapped the tip of her nose. “That was a joke, babe. Relax. You don’t have to take everything so seriously.”
Over Pete’s shoulder Sadie saw Decca leaning against the side of the bar. She was telling a story, her hands cartwheeling in the air, the bartender captivated, laughing. As Sadie watched, Decca leaned toward him and whispered something in his ear, putting her hand on his chest. He took the hand and kissed it, and Decca tipped her head back and laughed.
Why couldn’t she feel what they did? Why was it so easy for everyone besides her? What was wrong with her?
Her eyes moved back to Pete, looking at her earnestly.
“Seriously, babe, what are you so afraid of? It’s me, Pete. Your boyfriend. Who you love. What do you think is going to happen?”
Nothing, she thought. I’m afraid of nothing—of feeling nothing, no connection, no passion, no heat.
She reached up to straighten the collar of his shirt. “It’s just—this is a big deal,” she said, calling up an argument that had worked in the past.