‘You were in the bath?’ Jamie said through gritted teeth, seeing the wrinkly, pink skin of Rebecca’s fingers, as if she’d lain in the water too long. Like she didn’t have a care in the world. Leaving poor Ella to scream the place down. ‘Did you not hear Ella crying?’ Jamie was unable to keep the accusation from his tone. ‘Because the rest of the bloody street could hear her!’
‘I’m sorry, no. I didn’t hear a thing? She must have just started. She was fine a few minutes ago,’ Rebecca lied, mortified that Jamie had come home early and caught her out, thinking about how she’d left the house in a such a state this morning. She’d planned on doing what she normally did lately and getting the house straight just before Jamie came home, so at least it looked as if she was coping. But this morning, Rebecca hadn’t done a thing. Remembering the soiled nappy she’d left on the living room floor along with her empty breakfast bowl.
She knew that Jamie would be judging her now. Questioning whether she could cope.
‘I was washing my hair. My head must have been under the water.’ Not technically a lie, she thought. Her head had been under the water. Intentionally, so she could block out all the noise. The water had helped, but the irony wasn’t lost on her – even before she’d got into the water, she felt as if she’d already been drowning. Trapped here in this house, listening to Ella’s cries all morning, she’d felt as if she was submerged… out of her depth.
‘She’s soaked through, Rebecca? How long did you leave her for?’ Jamie spat, furious that Rebecca had let Ella get into such a state. He paced the room, gathering the fresh nappy and baby grow he’d brought through from the nursery, before placing Ella down on the bed and changing her nappy.
‘Kerry’s downstairs,’ he hissed. Then, seeing the puzzled look on Rebecca’s face, he forced a whisper, ‘The health visitor! Christ knows how long she stood on the doorstep listening to Ella screaming the place down.’
Rebecca shook her head, confused.
‘You had an appointment? Ella’s eight-week check?’
‘No, that’s not today. It’s next week,’ Rebecca said with certainty, trying to gain back some control and at least look as if she knew what she was doing. Making her way over to the bed, she picked up her phone, scrolling through her calendar to show him the entry she’d made just a few days ago. Rebecca frowned as she saw the appointment scheduled in for today.
1 p.m. Kerry Day. Ella’s 8-week check.
‘Shit! I’m sure it said next week. I must have misread it…’ Rebecca said, embarrassed under Jamie’s watchful eye as she tried to make excuses. ‘I checked my diary this morning? There was nothing there, I thought we had nothing planned today?’
‘Clearly,’ Jamie muttered quietly; his expression full of disgust as he buttoned up Ella’s clean baby grow. ‘You seem to be making a habit of forgetting things lately.’
There it was again. That condescending tone. Jamie really did have no idea.
Biting her lip, scared of what might come out of her mouth if she dared to speak, Rebecca let Jamie’s words hang awkwardly in the air between them before he spoke again.
‘Well, you better get dressed and make yourself look half decent. Christ knows what she’s already written in her notes about us. And I need to get back to the office. I only came back to pick up some paperwork’ – Jamie paused – ‘unless, of course, you can’t manage?’
Rebecca winced at Jamie’s insinuation, part of her wanting to scream at him, to make him realise that yes, she was struggling. But why would she reach out to him when he always responded with such anger? Constantly putting her down and making digs at her, making out she wasn’t a good mother. As if she wasn’t trying. When the truth was, she was trying her damn hardest, all the time.
She hadn’t left Ella on her own because she was neglecting her.
She’d left Ella on her own for her own protection.
Because she was scared of what she might do if she was pushed to the edge.
‘Look, I’m sorry, Jamie. Really, I am. I must have forgot about the appointment, and as for Ella, I didn’t hear her. I was in the bath. I just needed a few minutes to get my head straight…’ she said, willing herself to be brave enough and ask him who Jenna was. Maybe then she’d get his attention. Maybe then he’d realise she had other things on her mind.
Only she didn’t get a chance. Instead, she was met with Jamie rolling his eyes at her.
‘And our daughter just needed her mother to change her soiled nappy. Jesus, Rebecca. You need to sort yourself out. You’re a fucking mess!’ Jamie said shaking his head, his parting words ringing in Rebecca’s ears as she stood and watched him scoop Ella up and take her downstairs.
Standing at the top of the stairs, she listened as Jamie walked back into the room, recognised the false joviality in his voice as he charmed the health visitor. Just like he charmed everyone else around him.
God, how he used to charm her.
Jamie could turn it on and off like a running tap.
But he was right. She needed to pull herself together, for the health visitor’s sake if nothing else. Doing as she was told, Rebecca quickly threw on some clothes while fighting back her tears, before going downstairs and trying to salvage the meeting as best as she could.
Chapter Eight
‘Are you all right, Becks? You don’t look so good.’ Placing the coffees down on the table, Lisa stared over at Rebecca with genuine concern as her sister-in-law stifled another yawn.
She’d guessed from the long text Rebecca had sent late last night, asking to meet for a coffee, that Rebecca wanted to talk to her about something.
Rebecca had tried to play it down and say that she just needed a friendly ear. Now, picking up on Rebecca’s dark mood and the exhausted look in her eyes, Lisa was almost certain that this wasn’t just a general catch-up.
‘I’m so sorry I haven’t been around so much this past week to stop by and see you guys. I mean, Christ! I live next door, I should be popping in and pestering you both for a hug with this one every five minutes.’ Lisa smiled over to her adorable niece and feeling guilty for not being around more than she had. ‘But I’ve barely had a minute to myself. Work’s been so manic that I’ve hardly had a chance to breathe. I wish I could help out more…’ she said, realising that Rebecca was struggling. It had evident the second she’d set eyes on her wrestling the buggy in through the narrow doorway of the coffee shop. Rebecca’s voice sounded fractious as she tried to soothe Ella’s cries that immediately filled the room, announcing their arrival.
Lisa had been shocked at the sight of Rebecca. Bedraggled, devoid of her usually heavy make-up, her complexion pale, and her expression withdrawn. She looked sickly, almost, nothing like the vivacious woman she’d been just a couple of weeks ago, when Lisa had last seen her. Unless of course, she’d just been putting on a front?
‘Is she okay? I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, but you look exhausted, Becks. Has Ella been keeping you up?’ Lisa said sympathetically.
Flustered and preoccupied since she’d sat down, Rebecca had barely looked Lisa in the eye. Instead, she constantly fussed over Ella, who in turn repeatedly rejected her mother’s every attempt to soothe her incessant cries.