‘It’s some charity organisation. They send volunteers around to help you. Cleaning, helping out with the baby… She didn’t say it, but she mustn’t think I’m coping very well either, must she? Otherwise why would she leave it for me?’
‘Oh, I don’t know, Becks. Maybe that’s a good thing? I mean, if you think it will ease the pressure a bit?’ Lisa picked up the leaflet and read the information on there, before tapping the back of it. ‘It’s also got details of local mother and baby groups listed here. Maybe that’s more what she was advising. That you should get out more and meet up with other new mothers? Build yourself a bit of a support network? I mean, a messy house and a tired mother is hardly the sign of not being able to cope. In fact, I think it’s actually part of the job description.’ Seeing the look on Rebecca’s face, she could sense that her sister-in-law was holding something back from her.
‘What is it, Becks? There’s something else, isn’t there?’
Rebecca considered telling Lisa how she’d felt paranoid the whole way here to the café today. Turning every few minutes as she’d pushed Ella in the pram, convinced someone was following close behind her. Only every time she turned to look there was no one there.
She knew how crazy it would sound, saying that out loud. And maybe she was a bit crazy right now?
‘I’ve been diagnosed with postnatal depression.’
‘Oh, hunny! I’m sorry!’ Lisa said, even more annoyed at herself now for not making more time for Rebecca now. She needed help. No wonder she looked so tired. Now that Rebecca had said it, it was obvious this was what was going on. She could have kicked herself for not realising sooner.
‘Can I ask you something?’ Lisa said, cautiously, not wanting to say anything out of turn, but wanting to learn more about what she’d seen that day in the hospital delivery suite.
‘The scars on your arms? Have you…? Did you…?’
‘Oh God, no.’ Rebecca shook her head at what Lisa was implying, that she’d been hurting herself. ‘That was… before. Before Jamie. I was in a bad relationship. Mark… he did things…’ Rebecca paused.
‘This Mark, he hurt you?’
Rebecca shrugged her shoulders. Then pursing her mouth, she clearly stopped herself from saying anymore.
‘I don’t want to talk about any of that now. It’s not my life anymore. This is different.’
‘I’m so sorry, Becks. I had to ask. And I’m sorry that you’re going through this now. I had no idea,’ Lisa said, feeling sad that her friend had obviously been on the receiving end of an abusive relationship, but relieved that she’d moved on and left all that in the past. What she needed help with was now. She was reaching out to Lisa for help, and Lisa was going to make sure that she gave it to her. ‘You know you can talk to me, anytime. About anything.’
Rebecca nodded her head.
‘How’s Jamie been about it all? Can he take some time off work, to help you out a bit more?’
‘I haven’t told him.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I don’t even know where to start, Lisa. He already thinks I’m a failure, I can tell. For not coping, for forgetting everything. And he’s right. Some days, I can’t even think straight. I barely manage to get out of bed and look after Ella, let alone look after myself. And as much as your brother may love me, he didn’t sign up for that.’
‘Oh, Becks, stop beating yourself up, you are not a failure. You’re suffering with postnatal depression,’ Lisa said. ‘You need to tell him, he will understand. He will help you. You need to reach out and ask for help. You don’t have to do any of this alone. You know that don’t you?’
‘Oh, bugger. I better take this.’ Hearing her phone go off in her pocket, Lisa stood up and passed Ella back to Rebecca. ‘More office dramas. It’s a nightmare at the moment. We’re having to make some redundancies, and it’s just been decided that muggins here has the pleasure of breaking the horrendous bloody news to the staff we’re letting go.’
Lisa took the call, a frown on her face the entire conversation, before ending it a few minutes later.
‘I’m so sorry, babe, I’d love to stay and chat some more with you, but I’m going to have to go. Honestly, I don’t know how they survive without me there telling them all what to do.’
Taking one final swig of her cappuccino, Lisa stood up and hugged Rebecca tightly to her and peered down at Ella, who had finally given in fighting her tiredness and fallen asleep in Rebecca’s arms.
‘At least she’s sleeping now. She must have worn herself out, bless her. Anyone can see you’re doing a great job with Ella, look at her, Becks. Seriously, stop beating yourself up. And talk to that brother of mine, please. He’ll understand. I promise. Try to get some rest, yeah?’
‘Thank you.’ Rebecca nodded, kissing Lisa goodbye before placing Ella down gently in her pushchair, careful not to wake her.
Maybe Lisa was right.
Maybe reaching out and asking for a bit of help wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
It was decided. She’d go home and get some sleep and tonight she’d tell Jamie everything.
Making her way out of the café, shortly behind Lisa, Rebecca wished she’d been brave enough to open up to her friend and tell her the other things that were taunting her too.
How her mother had suffered from depression too, and how they’d all suffered in the hands of it.
Rebecca had to get better. For Ella’s sake.
She could never turn out like her.
Chapter Nine
‘What’s all this crying about, my little darling, your poor mummy must be frazzled listening to you. Can I get you a cup of coffee, Rebecca? You look like you could do with one.’ Maggie Fisher smiled down at Ella who lay in her pram crying hysterically, before placing her arm affectionately on Rebecca’s. ‘It’s bloody hard work sometimes, isn’t it?’
Rebecca nodded her head.
In her late fifties, Maggie was the backbone of Jamie’s company. He’d said it often enough. How the woman had been with him right from the very start. How her ideas and input in the company had been paramount to his success. And though her official title was the company receptionist, Maggie was far more than that.
The woman could run this place with her eyes closed. Jamie freely admitted that he’d be lost without her.
‘Jamie’s just in his office, darling, f… Finishing up in a meeting with his PA. He shouldn’t be much longer. Are you sure I can’t get you a drink? Some water at least? You look all hot and bothered, Rebecca.’
‘Some water would be good.’ Rebecca smiled but narrowed her eyes, convinced that she just caught a slight pause in Maggie’s sentence, an edge to her wording as she made excuses for Jamie.
Rebecca watched as Maggie made her way over to the water machine, her back to Rebecca now.
So that she wouldn’t have to look her in the eye?
Was Jamie up to no good?
Rebecca closed her eyes then, silently berating herself for doing it again. For acting paranoid and overthinking everything. For creating problems that weren’t really there.
Of course Jamie had meetings with his PA. He had meetings with a lot of people. Maggie wouldn’t cover for Jamie if he was doing anything he shouldn’t be doing. The woman was too honest for that. It was one of the things Rebecca liked the most about her, that she always spoke her mind. That, and the fact that she wasn’t scared to give Jamie a much needed reality check when it was called for, unlike the rest of his staff who constantly ran around the place sucking up to him and singing his praises, just to get their foot higher up on the ladder. Jamie was a self-made man. He’d pulled himself up from the bottom and created a recruitment empire that was doing exceptionally well.