Rebecca took a steady breath and plastered a smile to her face.
‘It’s the hormones. Sorry. It’s all just been so overwhelming.’
‘Do you have a name for her yet?’ Lisa asked.
‘Well, we spoke about a few, but nothing definite as yet…’ Jamie trailed off, shaking his head.
‘Ella,’ Rebecca announced, looking at Jamie hopefully, her eyes pleading with him to agree. ‘I want to call her Ella.’
Jamie grinned, unable to refuse his wife anything after what she’d just been through.
‘Ella?’ he said, tentatively, as if testing how the name sounded out loud. As he handed his daughter back to his wife, he said, ‘It’s perfect. Welcome to the world, gorgeous Ella.’
Chapter Three
‘I don’t know if she’s eating enough? She can’t be, can she? If she doesn’t settle for very long after a feed?’ Rebecca asks the health visitor, hoping that the woman will be able to give her the magic answer so that she can settle Ella’s crying. ‘I’ve tried everything. I’ve fed her. Winded her. Changed her bum… she’s like this all the time. I don’t know how to settle her?’ Rebecca says, rocking Ella frantically in her arms, frustrated now because Ella is still fractious, and Rebecca was hoping to have her more settled for the health visitor’s visit this morning.
So far, her morning couldn’t have gone any worse. She’d been awake all night after having another bad dream, and the second she’d fallen asleep, Ella had woken and demanded her feed. Somehow, they’d both overslept, waking just minutes before the appointment. Rebecca had barely had time to make herself look presentable, let alone do all the chores that she’d promised herself would be done by the time the health visitor had arrived.
She’d wanted to show the health visitor that she knew what she was doing. That she was coping. Authority figures always set her on edge, and she wanted to prove to this woman that she was strong and capable. Even if right now she felt anything but. Her top was covered in baby sick, where Ella had brought up the last bit of her feed, the sickly milky smell lingering in the air, and the house looked like a bombsite. Not that Kerry Day mentioned that, of course.
‘Some babies are just naturally harder to settle, Rebecca. I’m sure it’s nothing to be concerned about,’ Kerry says kindly, trying to reassure Rebecca. She’d had similar conversations with umpteen new mothers this week. ‘What you’re going through is all part of the process. Ella is only a few weeks old… you’ll still be finding your feet. Here. Can I?’ Kerry asks, holding her arms out in an offer to take the baby from Rebecca, not only to give the woman a break from the incessant crying but also so she could give Ella a once over and double check that there wasn’t something more obvious they were both missing.
Taking Ella, Kerry cocoons the child in her arms, patting the child’s bottom rhythmically through her padded nappy, rocking her back and forth. All the while cooing at the tiny baby.
‘She’s such a pretty little thing, isn’t she. And look at all that lovely red hair. You must be so in love with her.’
Rebecca nods, then shakes her head in dismay as Ella starts to settle with the combination of the rocking motion and the health visitor’s soothing voice.
Instead of feeling relief that Ella is finally going to sleep, she feels stricken, worried that she is showing up her shortcomings as a mother. Trying to distract herself from saying anything, Rebecca bites at her nails, but she’s so fuelled by her own anger and bitterness that she can’t help herself.
‘Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Doesn’t she like me?’ She blurts the words out. Kerry sees the tears forming in her eyes, so she shakes her head with certainty.
‘Absolutely not, Rebecca.’ She gives Rebecca a small smile of reassurance. ‘This is all perfectly normal. You are stressed, Rebecca. Fretting and worrying so much about her, and babies can pick up on that kind of thing. She’s absolutely fine though, and I’m sure you’re doing a sterling job. You just need to have more faith in yourself.’
Rebecca bites her lip, part of her believing that the health visitor is trying to appease her. Lying to her to make her feel better. She probably thinks she’s an awful mum.
She’s doing it again, Rebecca realises, feeling angry with herself for letting the feeling of not being good enough overwhelm her. But she can’t help feel like a failure. Not when she’s been trying to comfort her daughter for the past half hour, but Ella seems more comfortable in the arms of a complete stranger than she does with her own mother.
‘Would you like me to lay her down in her crib, I think she’s ready to go off?’ Kerry says, keeping her voice low.
‘There’s no point putting her down, she’ll wake as soon as you do. Trust me,’ Rebecca replies with a shrug, but doubting her own prediction, because already Ella was settling. Already she was proving her wrong in front of the health visitor.
‘She needs her blankie on her face. I place it on her right cheek,’ Rebecca says, but before she reaches the Moses basket, she stops, surprised to see Ella’s eyes already closed. She’s fallen straight to sleep.
Rebecca stands there numbly, doubting her own motherhood skills once more. She feels suddenly redundant, as if Ella is doing this all on purpose today to make her look bad.
The atmosphere in the room is suddenly broken up by Jamie’s entrance. As usual he is dressed in a designer suit, his laptop case in his hand.
‘Hello, ladies,’ he says cheerily, not picking up on the tension, and greets the health visitor with a smile, before kissing Rebecca on the head.
‘You’re back early?’ Rebecca says, surprised to see him here at all during the day. He’d been so busy at work the past week that he’d barely made it home in time for dinner.
‘Well, I didn’t have anything scheduled in the diary, so I thought I could work from home this afternoon. I forgot you had the health visitor coming.’ Jamie gives an apologetic look to Kerry, not wanting to offend her.
Rebecca frowns. She’d always been able to read Jamie so well and she could tell something was troubling him. Only, she didn’t know what.
‘I was just saying to Rebecca how well Ella is doing. She’s a nice healthy weight. And a gorgeous wee thing.’ Kerry grins. ‘But I’ve been hearing she hasn’t been sleeping all too well, so while she’s down, I’m going to get off and leave you two to it. Hopefully you’ll get a bit of peace and quiet for a while.’ Kerry winks at Rebecca. ‘You’re both doing a great job, really. But if there’s anything you need, please don’t hesitate in giving me a call. Otherwise I’ll see you next month for Ella’s eight-week check.’
Rebecca mutters her thanks, putting on a fake smile, though she doubts Kerry’s efforts to get her child off to sleep would last very long. Ella will be awake and crying again soon, she’s certain of it.
‘Here, let me see you out,’ Jamie offers, walking Kerry to the front door.
Only when they reach the door, Jamie steps outside too, closing the door behind him.
‘Is everything all right?’ Kerry asks, catching the apprehensive look on Jamie’s face as he glances in the living room window to check that Rebecca is still there, and not trying to listen in to their conversation.
‘Well, actually, I was hoping that you’d be able to tell me that,’ Jamie replies, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. ‘I feel disloyal even just asking. I mean, I’m not checking up on her or anything.’ He shakes his head. ‘Shit, who am I kidding. I am. But I’m worried about her…’