‘About Rebecca?’ Kerry says, surprised by the genuine concern she can hear in the man’s voice.
Jamie nods, his eyes going to the front door again.
‘Don’t get me wrong, she’s a fantastic mother. I just worry that she might be doing too much.’
‘Too much?’ It was Kerry’s turn to look confused.
‘She’s barely put Ella down for five minutes since she’s been born. And if she does leave her in her crib, she’s constantly checking on her…’
Kerry nods and smiles, guessing that this was the real reason Jamie had come home early. He had concerns of his own. He’d wanted to speak to her too.
‘The other night, I found Rebecca sleeping on the floor of the nursery. She said she was worried about Ella’s breathing. She was a little bit snuffly but nothing to warrant that kind of worry…’
‘She’s just anxious, Jamie. And you’ll be pleased to hear that we did speak about this. In fact, it was Rebecca who brought it up. She worries that she’s not doing a good enough job, but as I said to her, she is. And worrying is to be expected. It’s perfectly natural for her to still be finding her way. But she’s doing just fine. Being a new mum is a huge responsibility and Rebecca just wants to do the best she can. It can take a while for some mothers to adjust to such a big change.’
‘Yes, of course,’ Jamie says, lost for words, as he stared down at the pavement, but Kerry could sense that there were words he wasn’t saying.
‘Is there something else?’ she asks, gently coaxing the man for whatever it was still bothering him. Only Jamie didn’t elaborate any further. He just continued to look at the floor.
Kerry guessed this was all a struggle for Jamie too. ‘Some new fathers can feel a bit pushed out at first. That’s normal too,’ she says, guessing rightly that things were stressful for all of them right now, Jamie being no exception.
‘In fact, sometimes men have it even harder when it comes to parenting. Because everything is geared up toward the mother, isn’t it? The pregnancy, the antenatal classes, the birth is all about the woman and the baby. Men barely get a look in.’ Kerry smiles, letting Jamie know she understands exactly where he’s coming from, that he’s important too.
‘It’s like Rebecca doesn’t even see me anymore. All she sees is Ella.’ The health visitor gives Jamie a knowing smile, and squeezing his arm, leans in.
‘She’s focused. And maybe for a little while you won’t be the centre of her time and attention. That’s another factor for you and your family to have to adjust to. But it doesn’t last forever. You just have to give things time. Especially with the first baby. They take over your whole life. You might feel as if you lose yourself for a bit, Rebecca might too. So, it’s important that you still make time for each other. Keep talking. Don’t shut each other out,’ Kerry says, putting Jamie’s mind to rest once and for all. ‘It’s a big change for you all. That little girl in there is doing just fine. And so is her mother. And like I said, if there’s anything I can help with, just give me a call.’
Jamie nodded his head, grateful to the woman for taking the time to hear him out.
He wanted so badly to believe what she was saying, that he was probably worrying over nothing and Rebecca was coping just fine.
But still Jamie couldn’t shake the feeling that something more serious was wrong and Rebecca’s fears and actions went way beyond that of a ‘normal’ new mum.
Chapter Four
‘Finally, I get you all to myself. Well, it’s never completely to myself anymore. Is it?’ Jamie says, knowing full well he shouldn’t be guilt tripping Rebecca, but the alcohol has loosened his tongue.
Not bothering to hide his sarcasm, he raises his brow as Rebecca places the baby monitor down in the centre of the coffee table, as if to prove the point that he’s making.
‘She’s not been herself today. I just want to keep an eye on her,’ Rebecca says, trying to avoid the same argument they’d been having for weeks now. She knew what Jamie was implying; that in the eight weeks since Ella had been born, she couldn’t seem to leave Ella out of her sight, not even for a minute.
Ignoring his glare, she eyes the baby monitor as she sits down on the sofa, chewing at her short, jagged nails, as her child stares back at her on the screen. She knows exactly what Jamie is thinking. Because she’s thinking it too.
‘I’m sure she’ll settle soon enough,’ Rebecca says, but that’s a lie, because despite being exhausted, Ella is still wide awake, wriggling and cooing alone in her cot, showing no signs of giving in to sleep anytime soon.
Rebecca can’t help but feel on edge again. It must be her, mustn’t it? She must be doing something wrong? Because she’s really trying her hardest to be a good mum to Ella, but nothing she does seems to be good enough. Ella is constantly fractious and unhappy.
‘At least she’s stopped crying…’ she says, more for her own benefit than anything else. The words sounding hollow even as she tries to keep positive. Ella had been grizzling all day, the dull constant sound grating on Rebecca’s nerves as she’d tried so desperately to block it out.
‘Well, sitting here staring at the monitor isn’t going to make her fall asleep any faster, Rebecca. You need to chill out a bit. She’s probably picking up on you constantly fretting about her.’
‘I’m not fretting, Jamie…’ Rebecca snaps, unable to stop herself, catching the fleeting look of annoyance on Jamie’s face and the deliberate edge to his tone before he purposely turns his attention back to the pile of paperwork he’d brought home from the office. He immerses himself back in his work, but he’d made his point.
‘And yet again, you’re lost in your work,’ Rebecca says, unable to stop herself.
She’d promised herself that tonight she wasn’t going to bite at any more of his cutting remarks, because she didn’t have the energy to argue with him. Not again. The two of them are going round and round in circles, bringing up the same old argument that they’d been having for weeks.
Rebecca bit her lip, the words he used the last time they’d fought still spiralling around her mind.
Obsessive and neurotic.
Wasn’t that what he’d called her, annoyed yet again that Rebecca was unable to leave her child alone for even a minute. That the real problem here wasn’t Ella at all, it was all her, he’d shouted.
It wasn’t supposed to be this way. She’d thought it would be easier, that Jamie would support her, not berate her at his every chance. He was the one who’d wanted Ella so badly. When she’d first told him she was pregnant, he’d said he would be hands on, that he’d help her. Yet sometimes she felt as if she was doing it all by herself.
Wrinkling her nose, she sees the wine glass on the table, the bottle beside it almost empty. She’d smelt the strong bitter smell of whisky on him earlier when he’d first walked through the front door. Bending his head towards Ella to greet her.
Rebecca had turned her head, the smell of whisky always repulsed her. Instantly propelling her back to her childhood. A time she tried her hardest to block from her memory completely.
Now he was drinking wine, which meant it wouldn’t take much to cause an argument and then they’d both go to bed in silence again. And tomorrow morning, Jamie would leave for the office early.
It was all right for Jamie, she thought bitterly. How easily he could just switch off from Ella. He could get lost in his work. He could leave each day and spend ten straight hours at the office. He could come home at night and drink until he passed out.