But Rebecca couldn’t do that. She wouldn’t do that.
Ella was her priority now, and Rebecca was consumed by the overpowering feeling of needing to protect her daughter, almost as if it was beyond her control. Her natural maternal instincts had just taken over since Ella came along and the force of Rebecca’s love for her child had knocked her for six.
Rebecca couldn’t leave Ella alone. But that was her job, she told herself. Wasn’t that what a mother should do? Wasn’t that normal – to feel anguish and uncertainty? To constantly check on the child and make sure that she was okay?
Maybe her behaviour was a bit over the top, Rebecca told herself. Tiptoeing into her room at all hours of the day and night, just to watch Ella, so she could see that she was still physically breathing. Taking her temperature at least five times a day, paranoid that Ella might be too hot, or too cold. Or that she may become ill. Carrying Ella around everywhere she went. And if the baby wasn’t in the room with her, Rebecca didn’t leave the baby monitor out of her sight.
But she’d rather be overly cautious than not, because just the thought of something happening to Ella, of her not being there to shield her from harm, made her feel physically sick inside.
Ella coming along had changed everything for Rebecca.
‘I don’t want to keep fighting, Jamie…’ she said then, softly, hoping that he’d listen to her, that he’d understand. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but she just couldn’t find the words. What he saw as neurotic and paranoid was really just Rebecca trying to do her best by her child.
But she was failing miserably, it seemed. Her best wasn’t good enough.
Her fractious mood always seemed to put her on edge. Ella cried so much, and so often it was hard for Rebecca to believe deep down that her daughter was really okay.
‘I know you think I’m being too much, Jamie. But I just worry. I can’t help it. She cries so much…’ Rebecca admitted. ‘And I worry that what if I’m doing something wrong? That she’s not just crying because she was overtired or hungry. That her tears weren’t just because she was teething or sick? What if there was something really wrong with her?’
Placing down his laptop, Jamie lets out a long sigh. He was tired of all the arguing too.
‘Look, I’m just finishing up with some figures before the meeting tomorrow,’ he said, gathering all the loose bits of paper into a neat pile, his attention back on her. ‘She’s okay, Rebecca. Wide awake maybe, but she’s not in any distress, and she’s not crying now.’ He nodded over to the bottle of wine on the table. ‘Have a drink with me?’ Jamie insisted, getting up and getting another glass from the kitchen. ‘You look like you could do with one.’
About to refuse and say no, she stopped herself. This was an olive branch, she knew, Jamie’s way of making amends. Maybe he was right. She probably could do with a drink.
‘I shouldn’t,’ Rebecca said, pursing her lips. ‘Ella might start up again.’
‘So what? One drink won’t hurt you!’ Jamie tutted, clearly annoyed that Rebecca’s every decision, every thought was totally reliant on how it would affect Ella. ‘For Christ’s sake, Rebecca. It’s not a crime to relax for five minutes and have a glass of wine with your husband.’
She faltered, knowing the truth in what he was saying, and sitting down on the chair next to him, poured herself a glass of wine. She’d expressed enough milk for Ella’s next feed. Jamie was right, one drink wouldn’t hurt her.
Taking a large gulp, she immediately feels the familiar warmth spread through her. She hadn’t had a drink since she found out that she was pregnant. She’d missed this.
‘Sorry,’ she says, relenting. Jamie was right. They needed some time together. On their own, without Ella. To properly talk. ‘It’s been one of those days.’
‘It’s been one of those days a lot lately,’ Jamie spat, bitterly, rubbing his brow in frustration.
The past few weeks hadn’t been easy for either of them, Rebecca knew that. The confident, strong, sexy woman he’d married had quickly been replaced with this hot, neurotic mess she knew she’d become.
It was as if she’d changed completely, overnight. Rebecca no longer cared about her appearance, willingly trading in her usual make-up, regular blow dries, and designer clothes for a more comfortable tracksuit, no make-up, and a messy bun.
Jamie had commented that she’d lost herself, but she hadn’t at all. She’d found a new self. A self she hadn’t known was ever capable of existing. Being a mother was her only focus and she knew that’s what Jamie was really struggling with.
She hadn’t lost herself in the process, but she realised Jamie felt as if he’d lost his wife. That’s why he seemed so permanently angry with her, she knew it. That’s what Jamie was really struggling with. Since Ella had been born, Jamie had acted like she’d pushed him out, but if the truth be told, she was starting to resent him for acting so jealous of Ella, annoyed at the attention Rebecca gave their daughter, attention she used to give solely to him.
Some men struggled with that, according to an article she’d read in a baby magazine. Shortly after having their first child, when suddenly, the dynamics in a relationship rapidly change. Protesting at no longer being the centre of attention, they start to act like a petulant spoilt child.
‘We need to get back to how we were,’ Rebecca says, sliding her hand onto his. Desperate to make things right again between them. To fix this marriage and get them both back on track, to how things used to be. But even as she said the words, her daughter was on her mind. Ella deserved a loving family. She deserved parents who at least tried to get along.
‘It’s been a pretty stressful time around here lately,’ Rebecca says, trying to find her courage to tell him the truth about how she was feeling. How overwhelming everything had become. How she wasn’t coping… But just as she is building up the strength to speak, Jamie interrupts her.
‘Stressful? Oh, you could say that! Though it’s to be expected, I guess, with the team expanding. I’ve got more meetings in my diary than I have hours.’ He knocks back his glass of wine, before massaging the deep furrowed lines etched on his forehead.
‘Still, I shouldn’t complain. It’s almost done. This contract could take the company to the next level. And it will be, without a doubt, worth every ounce of hassle.’
Rebecca feigns a smile. He’d thought she was talking about him. Of course, he did. Yet again, it was all about Jamie. He had no idea that she was trying to reach out to him, to tell him how much she was struggling. How empty her days had become, roaming around this big old house on her own, for days at a time, with only a tiny baby for company. A baby that screamed and cried all day long.
Since Ella had arrived, everything had quickly unravelled around them and this wasn’t the life Jamie had promised her. Was it any wonder that she was starting to feel as if she was going out of her mind?
‘Anyway, how was your day?’ he asked her finally.
She nodded slowly, only the words she wanted to say were caught in the back of her throat. Suddenly she couldn’t bear to see the disappointment on his face, knowing how many times she’d repeated how difficult it was to spend all day with their daughter. So she danced around it.
‘Ella hasn’t really been herself the past few days. She’s been a bit cranky, you know? Crying a lot…’ She shrugged, playing down her concerns. Instantly she regretted her words as Jamie’s eyes glazed over.
‘Oh? She’s seems okay now?’ Jamie says, boredom in his tone as he eyed the monitor.
She knew what he was thinking. Ella, again. She is obsessed with the baby.