Now Who’s the Beggar?
When is the day of retribution, O, God?
Why do you delay justice?
A Parrot’s Predictions
When he arrived home at two thirty in the morning, he had already decided that he would sell the ‘automatic cart’ at whatever price. He believed that houses, horses, wives, means of conveyance, and precious stones brought either good or bad luck. He remembered how in 1953 he had got wounded in a motorcycle rickshaw accident and how afterwards he had gone to Bandar Road near the Municipal Corporation Building to an astrologer sitting alongside the road and how this man had got his trained parrot to pick out an envelope that revealed Basharat’s fortune to be that of one wife and three pilgrimages to Mecca. He said to himself, ‘I wish it was the opposite!’ (After all, only one pilgrimage is necessary in life. He was not greedy about the afterlife.) The astrologer made his horoscope and looked at the lines on his palms through a magnifying glass. He said, ‘Two-, three-, and four-wheeled vehicles will be dangerous for you.’ But he didn’t need to draw up a horoscope and use a magnifying glass to see this; all he had to do was look at the bandages on his hands and neck. Anyway, he had come to the conclusion that until a vehicle with one or five wheels was invented, he must make do with his legs. It seemed as though the real purpose of his buying this vehicle was to expedite the delivery of lumber to thieves (and the SHO), and, thanks be to God, that was accomplished without any delay or interference.
7.
The Bengal Tiger Left, and the Lion Came
In the morning, when Basharat informed Khalifa that his services were no longer needed, he made a big fuss. At first he asked how he would be able to live without the vehicle. Then he asked where he should go. Then he gave a speech not only on the far-reaching consequences of the unbreakable relationship between a master and servant but also on loyalty in general. The speech’s gist was that he felt for Basharat’s loss, that he realized he had caused it, and that he was ready to make up for it in the following fashion: Basharat should keep whatever wages were due for shaving him for that year and so consider his loss that much less. Basharat yelled at him, ‘Khalifa, you mean to tell me I was going to pay you 3,500 rupees a year to shave me?’ Khalifa very cheerfully again admitted his mistake, and he suggested the very foolish idea that they turn the vehicle into a mobile barbershop, which Basharat also rejected out of hand. Khalifa was getting so desperate that he proposed to serve as his driver for absolutely free, till the end of time, that is, until either the car gave out or he did, whichever came first. So, in other words, the persecution to which he had subjected Basharat would now be provided free of charge. Long story short, Khalifa kept suggesting one idiotic thing after another and so continued to rub salt into Basharat’s wounds.
When Basharat wouldn’t relent, Khalifa gave up. But he did pick up his razor. I mean, he made his last wish known that despite their break-up he should be allowed to come shave him. Basharat agreed upon one condition, and that was that if in the future he should have a means of conveyance, and that of any sort, then the bastard would not be allowed to drive it.
After a few days, Khalifa came with news. He said, ‘Sir, I got the idea that I should go by to look at the SHO’s construction site. And I couldn’t believe it. What did I see but that the stolen lumber was sitting right next to the bribe-lumber! Side by side! One lion snatched from another lion’s mouth our goods and then gulped them down! What difference does it make if a Bengal tiger or a Barbary lion stole it? If you don’t believe me, go see for yourself.’
Khalifa started to laugh. He had a bad habit of laughing uncontrollably and inappropriately about things he said. He would come up for air and then drown again in laughter. He laughed like other people sang. When he would breathe, he winked. One of his front teeth was missing, and when he tried to stop laughing, he really did look like a clown.
Truck for Sale
The vehicle stood unused for a month. No one offered to buy it, not even as a joke. In order to avoid any contemptuous overtones, I began referring to it as a ‘vehicle.’ Basharat had become over-sensitive. If someone called it a car, he thought they were poking fun at him; and if someone called it a truck, he thought they were insulting him. So he started calling it a ‘vehicle.’ He had lost all hope of selling it when suddenly he got offers on three consecutive days. The owner of the nearby cement company offered him thirteen rupees for the tarp that they had sometimes used to cover the vehicle. A donkey-cart driver offered twelve rupees for its four wheels. Basharat blew his top at the country idiot, ‘They go together. You think it runs without wheels?’ The man replied, ‘My lord, it won’t run with wheels either.’ The third offer was the best, as far as money was concerned. It came from a man who looked like a smuggler. He offered two hundred for the vehicle’s plates and tags.
After these insulting offers, Basharat put the tarp over it and resolved never again to buy a car. (When his economic situation and mood improved a little, he modified this to say that he would never buy a car from a dead white man’s widow, howsoever pretty she may be.) Mirza recommended that Basharat give it as a gift to one of his enemies. Basharat said, ‘You take it.’ After several days, he removed the tarp and had a calligrapher write on a piece of cardboard, ‘FOR SALE,’ which he put on the vehicle. After a couple days, the cardboard sign, as well as the car, were covered in the sawdust flying off the shop’s power-saw. Maulana Karamat Hussain, who was now called the firm’s ‘manager,’ wrote with his finger on the grimy windshield, ‘WELCOME’ and ‘TRUCK FOR SALE.’ You could see this from afar. Every day in the afternoon after washing for prayers, he would use a wet finger to outline these words. After praying at the mosque, he would hurry back to blow holy breath over the vehicle. He said, ‘With powerful incantations like this, within forty days, whatever gets the holy breath blown onto it will sell, or the blower will go blind.’ Several times a day he would pass two or three fingers in front of him to check to see if he hadn’t gone blind yet. On the way back from the mosque, he would hold his breath so that the holy breath should not leak onto something unintentionally.
8.
Haji Aurangzeb Khan, Lumber Merchant and Broker
Thin Gravy And Cracked Wheat Halva
The forty days of Maulana Karamat Hussain’s special prayer had not yet passed when Basharat became involved in another mix-up, and that was that Haji Aurangzeb Khan, Lumber Merchant and Broker, showed up from Peshawar demanding his money. The year before, Khan Sahib had sold to Basharat through a Punjabi lumber broker a load of ‘high-quality’ wood. But it turned out to be bad wood. In fact, it was that very lumber about whose stealing, recovery, and loss I just wrote. Basharat claimed that when it hadn’t sold after one year he’d sold it for 7,000 rupees. Khan Sahib replied, ‘Half was stolen. Half went to the police. How can you call that selling? There’s a real bad word in Pashto for this.’
According to Basharat’s reckoning, the goods were worth no more than 7,000 rupees. And, for the sake of principle, Haji Aurangzeb Khan wasn’t ready to accept one cent less, meaning, Basharat had to fork out the remaining 2573 rupees, 9 annas, and 3 paisas (which was equivalent to 15,000 rupees today). Khan Sahib said, ‘You were much too hasty. Quick work is Satan’s work. Sir, we’re talking about wood here, not a young daughter you’re trying to marry off.’